Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi all! I have been off for awhile, but oh how I've missed this site and all the wonderful people on it!!!
I wish I could say that things are going great--that I've finally gotten myself together and am living on a beach somewhere, enjoying life. Alas, that is not the case. I am out--three weeks to be exact--but he doesn't really know I'm out. I know that sounds crazy, but the reality is that he is buying a house. (And yes, even though we are married, HE is buying the house. It is in his name only; he selected the house without any input from me, he is making the downpayment; and he never misses a chance to tell me that it is HIS home and my pets are not welcome there and neither is our youngest daughter with the current attitude issues she has.) Anyway, our lease was up the beginning of the month, but settlement was not until the end of this month, so I had the unprecedented opportunity to sneak to my sister's house, without having to "sneak" if that makes any sense. After all, we had to have a roof over our heads right. HE on the other hand has rented a hotel room at $600 per week and never misses a chance to tell me that he cannot help pay for food, etc for the kids as he cannot be spending any money before settlement (double standard anyone?!)
The day we were officially moving out got pretty ugly. He punched a wall; threw my dog up the steps; and basically told me he has "been done with me, I've just been too stupid to figure it out. That he hates me and hopes I have a nice life", then proceeded to take the car away and leave me to figure out how in the hell to move the rest of our things to storage (well mine and the children's things, as he got his stuff out). Since then, we have had two major fights over stupid things which have resulted in him taking the car away again, then turning around and crying to me that he has to do these things because he just doesn't think I really care about him. He is going through so much and his wife isn't even there for him. Then he wants to know why I tell him I don't want to move into the house with him. Seriously?!
I'm feeling pretty exhausted and crazy right now. I am going on vacation next week--going to visit family in Florida (which he is truly freaking out about!!) and I so desperately need this. I need to be away from the constant head games and being off balance. I need to get out of the reach of him for just a little while to get my bearings and try to figure out what my next steps are!
I know this is a rambling rant, but I'm seriously on the edge (of what, I couldn't say:-)) Just needed to touch base and say hello really. I'm just wondering when this gets easier to stomach and how do you truly go no contact when your lives are so completely entangled--children, but also the fact that the only car I now have is in his name?
I wish I could say that things are going great--that I've finally gotten myself together and am living on a beach somewhere, enjoying life. Alas, that is not the case. I am out--three weeks to be exact--but he doesn't really know I'm out. I know that sounds crazy, but the reality is that he is buying a house. (And yes, even though we are married, HE is buying the house. It is in his name only; he selected the house without any input from me, he is making the downpayment; and he never misses a chance to tell me that it is HIS home and my pets are not welcome there and neither is our youngest daughter with the current attitude issues she has.) Anyway, our lease was up the beginning of the month, but settlement was not until the end of this month, so I had the unprecedented opportunity to sneak to my sister's house, without having to "sneak" if that makes any sense. After all, we had to have a roof over our heads right. HE on the other hand has rented a hotel room at $600 per week and never misses a chance to tell me that he cannot help pay for food, etc for the kids as he cannot be spending any money before settlement (double standard anyone?!)
The day we were officially moving out got pretty ugly. He punched a wall; threw my dog up the steps; and basically told me he has "been done with me, I've just been too stupid to figure it out. That he hates me and hopes I have a nice life", then proceeded to take the car away and leave me to figure out how in the hell to move the rest of our things to storage (well mine and the children's things, as he got his stuff out). Since then, we have had two major fights over stupid things which have resulted in him taking the car away again, then turning around and crying to me that he has to do these things because he just doesn't think I really care about him. He is going through so much and his wife isn't even there for him. Then he wants to know why I tell him I don't want to move into the house with him. Seriously?!
I'm feeling pretty exhausted and crazy right now. I am going on vacation next week--going to visit family in Florida (which he is truly freaking out about!!) and I so desperately need this. I need to be away from the constant head games and being off balance. I need to get out of the reach of him for just a little while to get my bearings and try to figure out what my next steps are!
I know this is a rambling rant, but I'm seriously on the edge (of what, I couldn't say:-)) Just needed to touch base and say hello really. I'm just wondering when this gets easier to stomach and how do you truly go no contact when your lives are so completely entangled--children, but also the fact that the only car I now have is in his name?
You asked when it gets easier to stomach. As long as you are in contact with him and not in therapy with a qualified trauma/abuse recovery therapists, it probably won't.
The way to go as much No Contact as possible is to limit contact to ONLY email. That way you have a record of everything he says. Email him and tell him you will not respond to anything he says except for relevant child-related communication. Then stick to it. He will probably escalate, either as his 'I'm so sorry, sweet husband honeymoon facade' or his 'big bag wolf SOB' facade.
There are a couple of other things you can do to make things easier besides No Contact and therapy. 1. Go to the nearest women's shelter and have them help you make a SAFE plan to stay gone and get referrals to qualified therapists for you AND your kids and to attorneys.
Get an attorney to find out what you are legally entitled to and what you can do to protect you and your children. Be sure to mention that he got physically violent. (Yes punching a wall and throwing a pet upstairs is physical violence and it's a directly implied threat to you and your kids.)
Please limit your contact with him to emails only. Talking with him and/or seeing him in person will only serve to keep his toxic energy swirling around you and your kids.
~healing hugs~
I'm on the road and
only have a couple
minutes on line,
right now.
Just wanted to say
that I"m so glad
you're out and
that, while things
may be bumpy for
awhile, they will
get better.
Sending you hugs
and all my best
warmth and wishes
for sunnier days
ahead.
Take good care!
I'm sorry you are feeling on the edge, but it's no wonder. Everything you are describing here is abusive, including taking the car when you obviously need it to move your things.
This time away from him, staying with your sister is a gift. You can get away from him. You can do this.