I had to create a new account because the new site wouldn't accept my old user name/password or e-mail.  So here I am with a (slightly) new name!  I was formerly Daydreamer73.  I've missed my friends on here and can't seem to get used to this new format.  I will be inviting everyone I remember from before to be my friend and I hope you'll accept and then I can see what my "friends" are up to on here.  

Quick update. . .I am still separated from abusive husband (9+months!) and with every day that passes I am gaining self confidence back.  My family and the few friends I have all say I seem like the old "Daydreamer" (insert my real name).  I can feel the difference and I thank myself often for having the courage to do what I knew needed to be done, which was leave.  At 43, I'm just starting to feel like I can live life again.  I went through months of feeling insecure, sad (grief-stricken), angry, resentful, distrustful, and just plain dispirited.  But around the 6 month mark it was like magic, only it wasn't magic, it was the result of feeling all of those hard feelings and working through them with my therapist and by myself.  I started to feel better.  And then it snowballed, and not that my life is perfect by any means, I have a long way to go.  But I feel so much more peaceful and settled inside, knowing that I am living authentically every day being as honest as I can with my feelings and not having to pretend to be happy when someone is killing me emotionally.  

I've learned how to recognize when someone else is out of line, which I used to always blame myself for and internalize.  I've learned to not react emotionally when people are out of line, and how to protect myself from taking on other people's issues.  I've found the courage to stand up to my husband for what I believe in, such as better treatment of our kids.  I'm not afraid of him anymore because I've learned the emotional tools to protect myself from HIS sickness.  I'm not afraid to disappoint him because I don't have to live with his sulking and covert punishment.  I've got my older son in therapy and he's learning some of the same tools, and his therapist and I have worked together to help him express his feelings and feel comfortable in his own skin despite messages from his dad and grandparents that tell him it's not okay to be him.  

While I have told him that I still want a divorce and that the separation has only confirmed those feelings for me (he still wants to reconcile), I have not filed yet.  I'm working with my therapist on what needs to happen for me to go forward with that.  I feel certain that by this time next year, we'll be divorced or at least in the process with papers filed.  

For anyone still reading who is still with an abusive person.  Those were hands down the hardest years of my life.  I've lived with some form of emotional abuse for most of my life, and my husband was the most covert about it and I could never put my finger on why I felt so crappy about myself and our marriage.  Getting out of it has helped me get perspective on exactly what he did and said that was so damaging.  I knew he was killing my spirit, I just couldn't see how.  It was a terribly hard decision to make to leave, being financially dependent on him and with two kids ages 4 and 9.  So I'm not telling anyone they need to leave, because I know I had to make that decision on my own, with a lot of support on here and from counselors and a few family members.  But I will tell you that no matter the obstacles to your freedom, no matter how many times you hear that your misery is your own fault, getting out is the only way to save yourself from the misery of living with abuse.  I wish anyone on here peace and safety and self-love.