
Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

jimmysquirrel
Alright, i heard something interesting this past week... and i have mulled over it for a while... and i agree with it. It is, " we will not accept abuse from others that is greater than we abuse ourselves. As soon as that abuse gets greater than what we give ourselves, that is often when we draw the line and leave"
I got to thinking about it... and i think that there are some exceptions... but for the most part this rings very true to me.
Think about it. If a person calls themself stupid and chides themself at every percieved mistake... then what is the difference when someone else does it to them?
If someone hits you and you stay...why? It isn't out of love... love does not make a person do that. I have a theory...
There is an emotional pay-off when the abuser treats the abusee like shit.
You feel that you are scum... so when someone tells you that you are... it validates how you feel. For a person that feels worthless, having anything validated feels good.
And if you want to feel pain because you think you deserve it, when the person finally does hit you... it brings a relief almost.
I am still pondering this, and all aspects of it... but what does everyone else think? i would love to hear everyone's opinion on this.
james
I got to thinking about it... and i think that there are some exceptions... but for the most part this rings very true to me.
Think about it. If a person calls themself stupid and chides themself at every percieved mistake... then what is the difference when someone else does it to them?
If someone hits you and you stay...why? It isn't out of love... love does not make a person do that. I have a theory...
There is an emotional pay-off when the abuser treats the abusee like shit.
You feel that you are scum... so when someone tells you that you are... it validates how you feel. For a person that feels worthless, having anything validated feels good.
And if you want to feel pain because you think you deserve it, when the person finally does hit you... it brings a relief almost.
I am still pondering this, and all aspects of it... but what does everyone else think? i would love to hear everyone's opinion on this.
james
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All abuse is emotional, no matter how it manifests itself.
BUT BUT BUT what we do not realised, because we end up so stuck in the house, so stuck in the relationship and so stuck in illness and depression, anxiety and stress, is that there are ways out.
They lead you to poverty, one-room housing, shelters. But even that, is BETTER than living with an abuser. And it is a start. And the first step upwards.
I like that you're really trying to think this out. I don't think it's a stupid idea.. I just think some people have a hard time believing they are used to this behavior. We want to feel love and respected.
But that's just my two cents.
And... for further elaboration... this theory supports the idea of why an abuser works slowly, undermining a persons confidence in themselves... getting the abusee to treat themself worse than the abuser him/herself does.
Now, if one goes with this theory, then the abusee is twice-abused. both by the abuser, AND by themself.
And queenvalerie. i do want to say to you personally... i am sorry that the one you loved treated you this way. But thank you for replying to my post. To everyone who has, thank you.
I didn't deserve any of it period. He worked me into a mental place of incredibly low, low sense of self first.
He was a master manipulator. Once he got me where he could move onto his deeper agenda, he began to beat and verbally abuse me.
To escape this life, I had friends who helped me break-out of his spell and get brave enough to escape. Previous to this experience, I was a happy, outgoing educated woman making my life happen.
And well, this is a theory... it makes sense to me... but if it doesn't to you, just remember this. That this is the theory of an alcoholic(me, sober though i might be), so it's value is not necessarily something that you need to put stock in.
Does that make any sense at all to anyone but me?
and, do you see what i was talking about the abusee talking to themself worse than the abuser did?
That is the whole part of this that is getting me, because i know that when dealing with my father, i put myself down worse, magnified my problems more and called myself worse things than he ever did. And well, when i was away from him during the summer (visiting my mom), and my stepdad and mom weren't calling me these things, and were basically acting as counselors and getting my self-esteem up... well, i stopped talking to myslef like that, and when my dad started his regular routine, i didn't stand for it anymore because i didn't talk to myself like that anymore...
as for the unreachable goal... i know what you mean. I felt that all i had to do was to have him love me. if he showed up at my school functions, f we did things together, if he EVER said he loved me, then i would feel worthy. I based my self esteem on his opinion of me. So... yeah, i understand that... and now i have more to ponder!
although i do agree with you "we will not accept pain from others that is greater than that which we give ourselves" (ok i rephrased it), i think its true, if i continue to think i am worth nothing. i will in fact be worth nothing! i just think that its not neccesarily like you explained, people feel that way and stay in that situation for a lot of different reasons other than feeling "good"!