First of all, you should NEVER have to trade your body for ANYTHING, especially not for him to treat your children right.

One sad truth that you have to come to terms with, is that you cannot change him. Nothing YOU can do will fix it, because he does it because he WANTS to. It gives him the desired reaction and keeps him in control. There were times when I characterized my ex-h as treating his family like the worst example you ever saw of the abusive football coach. He would degrade us, because he felt it made us try harder. He would ridicule us to "make us tough." It was horrible. Even after I left him, he continued with the kids, so unless he gets a grip on the fact that his behavior is downright wrong AND abusive, there is no hope for change.

How old are your kids and what is this doing to them? Are they living in fear of him? Are they walking on the same egg shells you are around him? Do you find them hiding from him, which by the way, will only enrage him more? If he truly will not stop until you degrade yourself, what is this telling your children about how you should treat your spouse and your kids?

I know that these are hard questions to face the answers to, and your only option my be to get yourself and your children to the safety of a shelter or somewhere out of earshot. Your dh sounds like my ex-h, and even the years of single parenting were worth being away from that type of abuse day in and day out.

revpatty is absolutly right! On all counts. I speak from very personal and recent experiences of wht this can do to the kids. Mine are both in therapy and it is so heartbreaking to have a 5 year old hit himself and threaten to cut parts of himself off and a 9 year old living in fear that his dad will break in and kill him! And that is them getting better! Trust me it was even worse! The impact of it all onthe kids is horrifying. And the pain you go through is worse yet caus eall you wasn tto do is protect them. You should really try to get a plan together to leave him and get out and get an order of protection.Start taping him yelling and screaming at you all to help you also. But really try to get away as soon as you can if not for yourself but for your children. I am thinking the best for you and your family!!

Oh dear, I dont know what else to say given that revpatty and upstateNY have hit the nail right on the head. I only hope that you are able to put your needs and your children's needs first and have the strength to do so.

My children are 5 and 10 year old boys and the oldest has a very large anger problem and treats me with no respect. My dh asked him tonight why he acts like that to me and if he(DH) ever treated me like that. My son came back with the comment of " Yes, when you hit the door and the cabinet". I can see the beginnings of the cycle continuing in them. We had a disagreement a week ago and he implied that I would loose everything including my kids. His daughter who is 20, doesn't like to come to the house when her dad is here and her boyfriend wants to set dh straight. I am too scared to leave.

First of all, you CANNOT lose everything if you leave him. Assuming that you live in the US, the laws in virtually every state protect a wife from becoming destitute. Upstate is right. If you record his rages and present it to the court, there is no way that he will win the children. Virtually states automatically award children to the mothers unless there is an obvious and overwhelming reason not to (for example recent arrests, a CPS findng of abuse or neglect, etc.) or unless there is an extended and costly court battle. He is saying these things just to scare you. Nearly everyone here who has escaped an abusive marraige has heard the same thing, and when they face the reality of what it really takes to "get everything" or win custody of the children, most of them backpedal really really fast.

You might also want to talk to your step-daughter and his boyfriend. They may be willing to help you if you decide to leave by telling the courts what they see in the home. This would help you get an order of protection (which I am certain you are going to need) and possibly can assist in him getting supervised visitation of the children.

Very small and powerful digital recorders are relatively cheap, and can be hidden in your pocket and used discretely. Right now, it might be the very best investment you could make.

For your children's sake, you need to get out of there. That is not an environment you need to raise a child in. If you allow them to stay, that could cause irreparable (forgive me making up words) damage. I say get out of there and get out of there now.

Please listen to all the advice you've got here. We understand where you are because we have been there.

His own daughter won't come around and that should be a HUGE sign to you that this has nothing to do with you. You can't control him with words, with sex or with anything else you think you can manage him with. He is abusing you because he is an abuser and he won't stop because he doesn't want to.

Grab your kids, grab your clothes and run for your life. Call a shelter or DV hotline and get your self to a safe place. They can help with counseling for all of you and even legal services. Please, please, start protecting yourself and your kids.

If you are still in the same situation, I don't know, because this post was dated almost a year ago. But you must stop cutting completely, or he could try to use that against you, and make a case regarding your stability or instability.
Don't forget, being an elder, most likely he has connections, and will use his power, if he still is an elder? Don't know whether that actually came out in the open or not?

You got alot of advice, but now it's a whole year later, and it doesn't appear that your on here that much, so it's hard to tell what happened in that whole year!

I'm sorry for your circumstances! Will pray for strength for you and protection for you and the kids!!