Hi jojo ---

It's a TYPICAL reaction.

Connect with agency resources.

Develop a SAFETY plan.

Then develop an EXIT plan.

Launch both plans.

He will never hear you.
He will never change ---- except to escalate the the assualts.

Save your sanity and your life.

Good luck.

Ilene

I wa in long distance relationship with mental abuser for 8 years part of that time living together,i must have left over 10 times and foolishly was persauded back with kindness, last June i packed while he was in work never been back since, best decision i ever made, life is fantastic without him in it, so peaceful. He then stalked me for 3 months through texts,calls,e-mails,cars,letters all posted to my neighbours in the end had to send solicitors letter he stopped, started again sending cards,christmas card until last week still trying to woo me back, now he's got message he's turned evil nasty again,
Concentrate your mind on horrible things he did to you and when hes begging and pleading think of these things and it will keep you strong, also get counselling through your domestic violence unit who help you in complete confidence, i would have got away from him bout 3 years ago if i'd found this site, inspirational stories on here have helped me work out what he'd really been doing to me, my mind was in such an emotional state while with him i couldn't see clearly, only looking back at it has made me see how he worked his evil magic to get me back every time,

I'm where you are now Jojo. In my state we have to remain seperated for 1 complete year, and he isn't leaving, so I've retained an attorney to make him leave while still providing benefits for the 3 kids we have. A court date hasn't been set. Husband hasn't even been served with papers {hopefully within the next 2 weeks}, so he's still walking around abusing me every opportunity he gets, but in my mind, I'm thinking, I'm glad I mailed the check off to the attorney already and now I'm just waiting. I'm sure as soon as he gets the papers and gets a whiff of my attorney {he's a hard-core, mean-ass attorny}, he'll be in the begging stage or the vengence stage; neither of them scare me. All I have to do is look into my daughter's eyes and remember that doing this benefits all of us and getting back togehter benefits no one but him. Of course my kids need a father, and I believe, no I KNOW that he will continue to be a father to them {he's really got no one else to love him, so he won't end those tides}, but being seperated won't make him a non-abuser, but at least the kids won't have to watch him abuse Mommie.

Yep. Did that for 7 yrs. Every time I tried to leave him he would do everything to win me back (honeymoon stage of the abuse cycle). It was to the point where we lived under the same roof but never saw each other, and he slept on the couch ever night for months and somehow still considered us a couple. I repeated several times that we're broken up. He'd be like "I thought we were gonna try to work on us?" Uh... When was the "trying"...I must've missed it....? So when he finally realized I was serious, he quickly moved on to the next victim. And was still trying to win me back while trying to lure her into the trap. Sick.

why should he leave and not you.
you want to get on with your life will get going.
Obtaining divorce atty and an apt is quite simple and it doesnt take both souces to do either. next excuse being ????
maybe he getting mixed signals.

Again it is so simple to obtain an atty and an apt and have 2nd uility service installed w/o having to pay deposits. Theres charitys and Salvation Army store where a person can obtain furniture and clothing and there are storgage units to start moveing your person items to befor you pick up your suit case & lap top to go to your own place.
Thur courts sale the dam house and spilt the money in property settlement.
Next excuse being????

Jojo, Do you have young kids? Is that the reason you don't want to leave?

Because if you don't have young kids, then if you really want to get away from him you will have to leave. This usually doesn't mean that you will lose any of your rights, but go see an atty and find out the specifics for your state. And do it without letting him know.

Keep your cards close to your chest. Don't let him know what you are doing.

Leaving an abuser is not an easy path. My ex would have never left. I knew my son wouldn't come with me at the time (he was 15 then). But I knew that I had to get out of there and make a safe, calm place for my son.

Some people leave, go through the court system, and the court helps them to get their home back. You need an atty to answer these questions for you.

But in the end....there are no "things" that are worth giving yourself up for, that are worth risking your kids emotional stability for. If he won't leave, get out, get out safely. And don't look back.

There are reasons I want him to leave. First he wanted the house so I had an offer on another house, which they accepted. Then he decided he didn't want the house so I pulled my offer. The house we own is in my name alone. If I leave I really can't get an apartment because I am hooked in to house payment that he can't afford on his own. If he doesn't pay because I am gone there goes my credit. It was his decision to not keep the house after 4+ weeks of saying he did want it. arrrgghh. Material stuff doesn't matter but if he would have went with the refi on the house I would have been out by now and not look back. You can buy SO much cheaper than rent right now. Does that all make sense? So now I am trying to refi and to get him his equity is a royal pain in the behind.
In the mean time I have been pleasant to him. I am not a mean spirited person at all. I get the highest score on my review every year in my company for coworker interaction and vendor interaction. My boss tells me this...I am the "team player", "model employee", "gets along with every one", the "sunshine in the place". SO you see I don't go around hurting anyone, which makes this task very hard. I do not demand my way or force people to do what I want. You love them, they respect you. Except for the husband. He can't keep a job, works for himself now, has left several Churches due to conflict, he has NO friends, the list goes on and on.
I have been trying to work this out and getting an attorney very shortly. I have my own checking now and my own credit card. I work 50 hours a week and when I get off work offices are closed. I have scheduled days off just to make phone calls and meet an attorney. I have an escape plan. I have support. I do have a 14 year old at home. We go to seperate Churches, we sleep seperately.
Admiral I know you are pushing me for the good but you can see I am walking and thinking in the correct direction. Just frustrated that he doesn't get it...or chooses not to get it.
This will become a catagory 5 hurricane shortly. The bottom line for the stalling? The truth is fear. Fear of him.

i'm going through the same thing with with my boyfriend..just get the papers and MAKE him know you ARE serious! good luck!

Hey Jojo42.
Hope your wk went well and wish that you have a peaceful wk end.
Jo jo, I personally would obtain an atty followed by no contact order and an eviction order and have the papers served on him.
being that house is solely in your name he is trustpassing and/are has not paid his rent - oh lets say his % of uilitys for 5 mo's which he allowed to detail your car, clean the house and cook dinner nightly in exchange for uilitys.
I dought that you will be required to give him a writen eviction notice but your atty will know and being that in a sence you fear for your physical safety I dought that courts will alot him 1 wk up to 30ty days in which to vacate.

Your not his mother nor social worker nor pdoc etc... your his landlord - translate his cruch - meal ticket. If he old enough to eat then he's old enough to stumble and stand on his own 2 feet.
He sounds like he needs to see a therapest and he has more than one issue to confront and deal with ---its not your place to try to get him to do what he should of already done for hisself and hopefully will adventually come to do.

If you have sick days built up take a few to obtain an atty and remove bum out of your home.
I hope your home is not consitered by law as being marital property.
I personal would not give him pocket change let alone anything else without it going thought my atty office - what better proof of recite of transaction than your atty offc. with a bank check not personal check( bank check that bank itself writes to -whoever :)

For the welfare of child and as a safety precaughtion - you may or may not opt to have child to see a therapes throughtout divorce, property & child support hearings.

On DS there is support group regarding divorce. some are already divorce and some are in the process ...

When you get leach off your back & out of your bilfold you'll be free to exhale.

Oh ya, when your ready for hinm to remove his personal items, call the police and after the police arrive so that he can get his belongings, well, I would stand by ft door with the officers while he pack - unless you already did so for him and al he needed to get is his tools.

Walmart have door locks & obtain an answering mach for dad calls.
Child can call his dad bk without having to answer the house ph./change cell no's

Will Jojo, at this point I dont know what else to say only that your strong and can get thur this w your mind intactoff to recliner I go for now.

Hi Jojo, I had the same issue as you early 2 years ago, so I understand your predicament completely. The only difference was I STUPIDLY allowed his name on the house deeds..but not on a 50/50 split.

Because the house is in your name only, you should seek an eviction order. You could also give him a set time (say 3 weeks) to leave the house and pack up his belongings, after which time you could change the locks.

Throughout all of this please, look after yourself and your son.....and from what I read, it looks like its nearly over.....then you can breathe a heavy sigh of relief.

Take care
xx

abfab has a good idea, there. Evict Him. Change the Locks.
Prepare your heart and emotions for this. Harden your heart and close off your feelings for him when you do this.
I had to do this when I left my husband. I still had love for him, physically, he was my ideal. I just thought he was the best looking, best smelling man I had ever met. I had to rip myself away from him because of the abuse, and I had to shut off my heart when he was crying and trying to get me back.
They flip to their charming, nice face when they see they are losing control. It's a pattern. Please don't fall for it, and get the strength to toss this guy out of your life.