Yeah, know the feeling, it's really annoying. I had someone from a social group I was part of with my ex do the same thing - years later, we saw each other, he asked what happened, I told him about the violence, and all he could say was something about what a shame it was that he's not still part of the group. Like ... wtf?

But the way I look at it is that HE's the one with a problem if he thinks it's a shame he no longer socialises with a violently abusive man. In your case, I also think that because these guys often do put on such a good show to the outside world, it can be hard for people to instantly believe how wrong they are, and so instantly come out with disbelief. But very often the same person whose immediate response is "that can't be true (because it conflicts with what I thought I knew)" will also be the same person who reflects, goes back to the group and says "you'll never believe this, but x was abusing his own kids, he was convicted and everything".

So while the initial reaction was horrible for you, it comes from the fact that the information you gave just was opposite of what the person believed they knew. It doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't believe you - only that she couldn't process the information in that moment.

For the record, I agree with your therapist that what matters is that YOU know the truth. But I also know how much it hurts so, for what it's worth, it may well be that your old acquaintance (and that social circle) is now aware of how wrong they were about your ex.

Even the "nice guy" can be an evil monster behind closed doors. Just wait she will reaching out eventually. a tiger doesn't lose his stripes. He can't hide the real him forever.

I don't think it would have been a fight... I think she was just honestly shocked- not that she thought you were lying.

Did you get her contact info? Can you reach out to her since you broke the silence?

If you ever DO meet her or others again and you drop that on them, you can just say, "I know, right? Can you imagine how much of a shock it was for me???" I bet their next reaction would be (if they are quality people) is, "Well, I'm here if you ever want to talk about it."

Hugs.

I have gotten that look a lot, too. It's like the person is a bit angry at you for ruining their little fantasy. (And I have had people say, "Now, why would he do that?" as if I'm just making it up for fun.) Ugh. Now I just say, yes, he's really a great guy to talk to, I liked him too for a very long time, but in the end, he couldn't be nice to *US*.

i got to a point i could care less if he became president of the united states and everyone loved him and thought i was crazy

jesus knows

and the more he stays on this earth "unscathed" the more comfort i get that god is waiting to give it to him full speed

thats where my comfort lies, I know what he did, and so does God and thats all that should matter xx00

I love all these responses.

What a wise community!

I was married (for a long
time), to a tall, handsome,
often funny, high-earning
executive who was seen
in the world as the prince
of all things wonderful.

He reserved his cruelty
for his interactions
with ME.

I remember sitting
at a picnic table at
a company function,
eating a hamburger
when one of his
office staff sat down
beside me and said:

I just had to come over
and tell you what a
patient, caring, totally
fabulous boss your
husband is.

I nearly choked
on the hamburger.

When I divorced him
I'm sure all who knew
him were convinced
that I was a stupid,
ungrateful bitch.

But the good news
was that I was
FREE of him
(not to mention
that he was ordered
to pay me many
years of alimony).

The slickest abusers
are magnificently
skilled at presenting
a glittering facade
to the world, which
makes their dirty
deeds behind
closed doors
so much
harder to
believe.

Our victory is achieved
when we RECLAIM
our soul, spirit,
happiness
and
well-lived life.

What others believe
and ultimately
what happens
to the abuser
will fade in
importance
and even
in how much
you think about
the abuser or
who believes what,
as you move along
your path of healing
and recovery.

My ex is somewhere
in Southern California
now, living with a woman
who is his match in
abuse and cruelty.
Good for them!
They're a pair
and I wish for
them both
everything
they both
deserve.

Me? I'm
living a life
I might have
dreamed of
but wouldn't
have believed
could ever
materialize,
in which I do
the work that
I'm good at, I'm
fit and strong,
I'm often happy,
I continue to learn
and grow, and my
memories of those
years of cruelty are
fading into the mists
of long ago.

tulip -----

Whatever anyone may
believe they know about
him. . . . . (and really. . . .
the fact that he was
legally convicted and
is under a restraining
order tells all the tale
that's required). . . . .

may make you sad
right now, and feeling
angry,
but please don't let
it keep you sad and
angry
because they
just DON'T KNOW.

(On this topic, I recommend
that you find and watch the
Jodie Foster/Matthew McConaughey
movie, "Contact." It's about life
beyond earth, but the real theme
is that we're entitled to believe
our own experience,
even if we're the
only one.)

Make sure to take
good care of yourself.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing and
happiness.

abusers are usually charming for everyone else tulip. I think it's a good thing to tell others if you feel up to it. but, I'm sorry that it left you feeling "gutted". I don't think everyone understands what if feels like to go through abuse and can't empathize. I think you were brave to even say hi to her..i probably would have made a mad dash for the car.

Thanks so much for understanding!

I think I am particularly sensitive on this issue because people close to me that I depended on for support, including my family, chose to believe and support him when the kids and I were brave enough to speak up. I carry a lot of pain and feelings of betrayal around still. Working on it, working on it...

You all make very good points, and it helps to talk this through! I especially like the interpretation of the response as simply surprise, not disbelief. That's probably true, so that is how I will view it from now on. I also needed the reminder that I am living the wonderful, happy, peaceful life that I chose. That's a great thing, so why bog myself down with this evil from the past? I can let it go. I can focus on continuing to move forward.

Thanks for being there for me!