What you are describing here is really important, because it defines the emotional abuse term.
You sound like a good, accountable, loving person and when he says that you are the abuser it is so outrageous that you absorb it and look into it.
I am struggling myself to let go of my abuser's perception of me that he is happy to share with his environment and not let him drive me crazy which is what he wants.
My idea is to repeat what he said like that:""you say that I am abusive"...just reflect him, don't absorb. And when there is something you are not sure about yourself , ask someone you trust to help you with an observation.

tulip, I am so sorry you are having to do with this. The reason this happens is because he is toxic. My best analogy is this:

If there was a door marked plague, there would be ONLY one reason why I would walk thru it. That would be because my kids were on the other side. BUT, I would FIRST get every inoculation and/or vaccine possible. That's because, the plague is deadly and I am no match for it w/o the necessary precautions. And even then I wouldn't be totally safe.

This is why we say No Contact and get therapy. Of course, the No Contact isn't always possible.

He has in fact, brainwashed you. That is a common effect of abuse. Again, that is why many of us suggest therapy with someone who truly understands the dynamics of abuse, trauma & PTSD. That is also why we say go total NO CONTACT. The longer you aren't exposed to his horrible toxicity, the more the abuse fog will clear. That's when therapy and extreme self care really helps.

Yes, you can and will be free as soon as you are able to go No Contact and begin to TRUST YOUR INNER KNOWING above all others. Deep down you KNOW you are not what he says. it's really hard to get those awful words out of his head.

Any time you cannot get away from his words, have some affirmations you can say to yourself WHILE he's spewing his toxic sh*t.

Examples of affirmations are:
I AM a wonderful loving kind caring (etc) mother.
I AM a good person.
I AM love and I AM loved.

Even if you don't believe them at the moment, affirmations MUST be written/said as if they already exist. Look at yourself in the mirror and repeat 100 times a day if you have to. You can reprogram your brain to ignore his words and pay attention to your loving self.

Other things you can do are:

Create an 'energetic' bubble around yourself. Visualize his words and all of his toxic energy bouncing off that bubble and back onto him. Everything he says is a REFLECTION of HIMSELF and NOT you!

And if you want a lighter moment,
Picture him naked, wearing only a bra and thong. That ought to take the sting out anything he says.

~healing hugs~

Those are good and helpful suggestions, thank you!

It's really hard to go NC when you've got kids :/ I can go weeks without speaking to him, but sometimes we need to communicate about money or visitation or someone's sporting event or whatever, and that opens it up. Just recently we met and had coffee to talk about filing for divorce, and it was a disaster. So it's not frequent, but I don't think it can be avoided.

There was a lot I used to like and admire about this man. I mean I loved him at one point. I used to trust him to have our best interests at heart. And he is SO charming, he could charm the skin off a snake. I think that is part of what makes it so easy to slip into believing him. So even when he says things I know are totally untrue, it's like they hook into my brain, and start to think about them and seriously consider them as possible facts. Could he be right? Hmmm. That's when I get into trouble.

My therapist also suggested affirmations but I feel like maybe I don't understand how they work completely. You just think of something nice to say about yourself and repeat it over and over every day? Am I missing a step or is that really all there is to it?

I understand that, when kids are involved, it does make it more difficult. There are some things you can do to minimize the affect of the contact. First and foremost, keep the contact to emails. That way you don't have to listen to his voice.

You can start by emailing him saying you will no longer discuss or respond to anything that doesn't directly affect the kids. Then, when he escalates his attacks on you (and he will), you don't respond. If you have to, have a trusted friend or family member read the emails first and just give you specifics regarding the kids.

Abusers need to be 'fed.' That's why they 'bait' you. The only way to stop your part of it is to stop responding. If he continues, I would contact my attorney, send him/her copies & have the attorney respond on your behalf.

As for the affirmations. It's pretty simple. You can use index cards, post it notes, etc. with one affirmation on each. Write things that you want to hear. ALL have to be in POSITIVE language. For example, if you say "I am not afraid." that is not positive. Instead, say something like "I AM safe."

It really helps to say them to yourself while looking in a mirror. But I warn you, when you first start, it will more than likely be emotional. Another thing you can do is get a stuffed animal or a doll and hold it in your arms as if it were a baby or small child. Say the affirmations to it. That is nurturing your own inner child.

The thing about affirmations is they negate the negative because its really hard to have a positive and negative thought at the same time.

It takes time and practice. Saying an affirmation every once in a while will not do much to help.

If you have questions, feel free to message me.
~Hugs~

Thanks so much! Having something concrete I can do is really wonderful.

hi tulip. a rational person doesn't go into angry rants. I'm sorry that you still have to listen to these even though you are not together anymore. it's no wonder that you start doubting yourself. he is yelling and for me that would be scary. you don't deserve that.

mytruecolors gives great advice and ways to handle issues. i want to offer support.

when i was in a women's trauma program, i learned that we can be triggered by things. i had PTSD and sometimes i feel like i still do, but i know it's better. however, it's understandable that considering what you went through you are going to feel like that at times.

i think that in time you will be free, especially if you don't have to have contact with him. i purposely would not listen to my ex's voice messages bcz i knew how horrible they would be. their voices are triggering.

healing and gentle hugs (((((((tulip76))))))))

Thanks Elena. My therapist has diagnosed me with PTSD but I never feel like that diagnosis is correct. My daily life doesn't seem very affected by it, and for the most part I do just fine, so who knows. But I do know what you mean - the triggering is awful. :( For me, his emails are the worst, seeing them in my inbox. I know if he has taken the time to write me he is angry, so it got to where I was scared to check my work email. I ended up just making a folder, labeling it 'Jerk,' and dumping all his emails in there unopened. Just because he writes to me doesn't mean I have to read them (but then they're nicely saved to go over with my attorney for court.)

Thank you for the support. I wish you a Happy Easter, if you celebrate it!