I am so sorry for you, Confused.
You will remain, sad, confused, hurt, etc, etc, etc as long as you continue to remain with him. It is your choice. Most of us have tried to get you to want to live without abuse. For me, I just can't help you and I am so sorry. The last thing I will say one more time is if your abuser knows you are going to leave or you want to leave he will DO or SAY ANYTHING to get you back under control again. That is what he is giving you now---LIP SERVICE.
I wish you the best at whatever you do.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you Gem! I don't know if I am just grasping at straws for a happy ending that just seems to be floating further and further away and of course second guessing every move I make.

I am sorry and I don't mean to sound like a broken record. I do want to live an abuse free life, it is just that this is a new tactic that hasn't surfaced before and didn't know if this was another tactic.

I hate that I was so strong and ready to move on and had a setback. I really appreciate your support.

Confused, I am sorry your going through such turmoil. It really has to be your choice to stay or to go. Each of us has been in our own situation and we can only offer support and understanding, perhaps identify with a situation when one arises, but the personal choice of each person will be thier own, be it staying in the relationship, going back to the relationship, maintaining contact with that person or keeping no contact. Whatever you decide, this board is here for support and information. I can say this from my experience with marriage to an a man that did not love me and would not work, to an engagment with a man that professed to love me but cheated on me, to a series of failed relationships to alcoholics and addicts afterwards...they all had one thing in common. When YOU are ready to leave, they will say or do anything to gain control..when they have control, the abuse is back to square one. I am currently alone, but I am not being abused. To my knowledge, none of these men have changed. Again, that is my experience. Not all were alcoholics or addicts, but all had one thing in common, all put themselves first and foremost in the relationship and I believe they always will. I wish you strength, peace and luck with whichever path you decide to pursue.

Probably a desperate ploy rather than a genuine help for himself. If he was genuinely trying to help himself, he probably would have had an idea for many years prior that something was wrong, and he would feel incredible guilt or shame about it. It should not take him long to get to this point to seek help.

The woman I am with now is many steps ahead in asking for help for herself, wihtout any prodding from me. She knew she had issues before meeting me. She hoped she could get insurance and get into therapy before the issues surfaced with me. And now before I can even address things that are hurting me, she comes to me because she already knows her behavior is wrong. She admits to overreating, to projecting, to abusing.

Him buying a book is a first step. Reading it is a bigger step. Understanding it is even bigger, and actually seeking help through a therapist is what is ultimately required before you or any other woman should ever consider him as a partner.

I just want to say, I like what azkevin has written. He has to want to help himself, not just buy a book. I am currently seeing a therapist, have a few self-help books I have read and re read, I am choosing to try to work on myself before getting involved with someone else as I have my own issues from childhood abuse and being abused. A person has to admit they have a part in things, I feel. A relationship is about two people, working together. Both taking accountability. From what I have read of your posts, it really sounds like your partner does not really take accountability or want to work on himself. Just my opinion. :/

I think when they're being 'nice' it's harder to deal with than when they're being mean. It's so confusing!!! Sad to read about all you're going through.

I can tell you a few things I've learned:

First of all, have you read "Why Does He Do That?" If you haven't please do! It's like user's manual for understanding abusers. And he has a chapter about abusers and change. I think it will help you a lot.

Second, I've learned that it is possible for abusers to change, but it is very rare, and it takes a lot of hard work on the abuser's part.

Third, my counselor told me "The benchmark for change is 2 years." Meaning, if he does all the hard work to change, you'll have to wait 2 years to see if he stays that way.

Fourth, there is no rush to make a decision. You can make a decision now, or later, or much later... it's totally up to YOU! =D And, say you decide to leave, even divorce, and then he really does change, you can always get back together. Nothing has to be permanent.

You get to decide!! =D

He probably will not change but none of us know for sure. He is probably feeling scared right now but that doesn't change what you've been through or what you deserve. Its hard but you need to start putting your feelings and needs ahead of his...he and you have always put his feelings first and now its your turn. At the very least you need time and space away from him to clear your head and be able to think rationally. You don't have to run out and file for divorce and make the final decision today. Is there some way you can separate for now to give yourself some time? Your husband sounds a lot like mine and you a lot like me. I made mine move out but he didn't give me a moments peace no matter how much I begged him too so eventually I just lost it and told him that's it you can't give me any time or space and that's all I'm asking for from you. I just want a divorce. Of course I kind of screamed it at the time. :-) But see about seperating somehow to give you some space to think. Even if he just has to go stay with family or a friend for a while.

Thanks again everyone! You all have great information and again I'm thankful for you all! I am really trying to stay positive and continue praying for guidance, strength and continued clarity amongst other things.

I'm truly grateful for all of you!!!!

He wants you to not walk away from him because he's buying a book! Out of interest have u asked him which book he has found ?

Also has he actually already bought the book and had a read of it already?

If he was really serious of change, without u having to say anything he would have already read the book!

These are just words, just an incentive for u to stay with him!

I see no actual action being taken.

When someone wants to change it should have nothing to do with what they gain. You can't change just so u can gain a prize at the end otherwise that's not real change is it.

Also lets look at the fact that he's abusive. It strikes me as typical that an abuser would gain through change! Hey but I guess if its not worth it for him, if there's nothing in it for him then what's the point!

It's still a selfish act, still all about what's best for him, all about how he gets to have his cake and eat it!

It sounds sincere, but I can see straight throu this one!

Ask him which book is it, what others has he researched? What does he know about emotional abuse already?
What other ideas has he had about change? What does he know through research about the victim? How is their world effect by being on the receiving end of abuse?
Does he know the basics of abuse? What about the cycle of abuse?

If he can't answer anything significant I can tell you that he's either done little research or just gone on amazon and typed in "emotional abuse" in the book section and read some reviews.

In nearly all the places you can research on abuse there will always be a section regarding "hovering" or something relating to the abuser trying the "honeymoon" phase to reel the victim back in.

It would strike me that someone who thinks he can change into a non abusive person just by research and book reading would not do what he could to change already seeing as thou he's done his research and break his cycle of hovering u in. He would know this if he has researched abuse, clearly he hasn't a clue.

I see zero evidence of someone who has knowledge in this field. It's basic information and it's available on various websites!

It's always put simply on those websites so if he really got it he would know that he should be seeking help for himself that doesn't include you!

But instead he's being a typical selfish abuser and wants u to bend over backwards and keep him in a relationship where your miserable and abused and he's able to continue to be abusive.

If he truly understood abuse and change he would tell u that u should seperate until he is not abusive because he would want to treat u as an equal

And u could suggest this but bare in mind that unless he really really wants to and gets it, you'll just be dangling, waiting for him to make changes and then your life is on hold for another couple of years with little to nil guarantee that he will stop being abusive.

My ex rang me again two days ago. He's changed, he's not abusive anymore. He's now living in his own house. Yes he's been sleeping there already and he's changes his diet, etc etc bullshit bullshit !

What he doesn't know is that I have investigated and I can confirm that the day before he rang me his daughter had put on fb that she was sick of her mum and "dad!!" Making too much noise in the morning whilst she was trying to sleep!

But yeah, he's changed, he's moved into his new house on his own, even been sleeping there!

Words words, lies and bullshit. He's not changed, he's still saying the same old crap. Yeah he's never told me that he has moved out before only that he was planning to (a 14 year long plan) and yes he's never admitted to being aggressive and abusive but now because he says so he's no longer aggressive or abusive!

All just words, no actual real actions. All just words of what could possibly be but is quite simple NOT!

Personally with my ex he can say all he likes, I don't believe his words anymore.

When u stop the desire within you to believe that his words are real "his actions meet his words" you'll be able to tell him "nice try!!"

Great point kaz. These men are amazing manipulative liars. Their whole lives and personalities revolve around their lies. We have such a hard time realizing and accepting it because we are normal and have empathy for others and have morals and feelings. Its almost impossible for a normal person with a normal mind to grasp how that type of "human" thinks. Its beyond our realm because we could never treat other humans or animals for that matter, the way they do. The only thing that matters in their world is self and getting what they want. Everyone else is just seen as something to use to achieve that. I think the huge majority of abusers are sociopaths and/or psychopaths. A normal human just cannot grasp that type of thinking.

In other words we keep believing their lies that they want to change because in our minds if we were hurting others the way they do we would want to stop. They don't care. They literally DO NOT care about anyone but themselves. Pretty hard for a normal empathetic person to wrap their brains around the way these creatures think. They know that and do everything they can to take advantage of it.

(It's me, khrysalis.)

Abusers HATE to lose their victims.

They hate, Hate, HATE it.

They hate it more than
anything else in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When an abuser feels he (or she)
is about to lose their victim
he (or she) feels the same way
an addict feels when
someone steals their next fix.

Confused -----

At the bottom of your original post
you wrote asking if you can believe him?

No.
NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



So, I've said it many times before
and lots of others have already
said it in this thread:

An abuser about to lose
his (or her) victim will
say (or do) ANYTHING

---- let me repeat that -----

ANYTHING

to prevent the victim
from escaping.


You will cry and suffer
and cry again and
suffer constantly
and hurt and cry
and suffer and
hurt
UNTIL

you ESCAPE.


I'll add something to
what kevin had written.

If they buy a book, if
they read the book,
if they go to a therapist,
if they stay with the therapist

(and all of these so far, are
really big "ifs") . . . . . . .

even if they do all these things
and even if they actually WORK
on all these things, and even if
they actually work on making
the hard changes required. . . .

they would have to be
significantly NON-abusive
for 18 months to two years
before you could have ANY
hope glimmer of hope that
they've really become a
functional partner.

The odds of this happening?


Probably about the same
as winning Powerball.
Actually, maybe less possible
than winning Powerball.

Please. . . .

take care of YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kazb, Ilene, krhysalis you are all wonderful as is everyone else on here.

Thank you thank you thank you. Your words if encouragement help keep me grounded to reality of abuse.

Thank you!!!!