Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
He moved out at the beginning of summer. I've done my best to be civil. Let him come over and see the kids. I've even let him have supper with us several times. Let him hangout at the house for our sons bday. He comes over basically at whatever time he wants every evening unannounced; although I requested that he text ahead. Wednesday he announced to the kids that he would be moving back home. And went into his rules and how it's going to be with him back home. Threatening to cut off Internet. Etc. I told him no he would not be moving back in. The marriage counselor advised that I not let him back in. She also advised that I file for divorce. And that he would only being getting worse not better. That he would never accept a mental diagnosis. So. I said no. You are not coming home. It's bed time. Leave or I will call the police to handle it. And locked him out.
Sooooo. Last night. He had the police come by. He made sure he waited till the kids were home. The police officer informed me that my husband has the right to break in if he choices. I already knew that. So. Husband has caused an emotional scene in front of the kids. I'm crying. My daughter is crying. My husband comes in the house and removes a couple door knobs to the outside of the house. So. I can't lock up the house. He takes the knobs and goes back to where he is living currently. Leaving me and the kids in a house I am unable to secure. And told me if I lock him out. He will break windows. I guess bring it on moron because the locksmith will be here any minute.
You might try sending him a letter, certified mail. In it, tell him that under no circumstance is he welcomed in your home. You are separated, divorce pending or in progress, he has maintained a separate residence since "June xx" and that you do not visit him at his new residence. You expect him to immediately stop visiting the marital house. Tell him his action of removing the exterior doorknobs made you feel very unsafe, and is affecting the emotional welfare of you and your daughter. If he wants to see the kids and they him, you bring them to him and pick them back up. Don't let him over to pick up stuff he left behind. Don't have him over to help fix anything. Insist that he stay away in the letter, and stay firm. Do it. Then, if he does come over and forces his way in, you have the letter clearly stating your wishes. Some states have domestic criminal trespassing, where one separated spouse tells the other to take a hike, they no longer are living together, then the other breaks in. The one who breaks in can get hauled off to jail. It might be worth investigating - probably a google search will tell you if it's valid in your state. If not, at least you have a letter which will look good to any lawyer and a judge.
Secondly, I'm a strong proponent of voice recording. I've done it a few times without stbx's knowledge, and have no intention of revealing this to him, unless absolutely necessary. It's my way of keeping my own cool (because I'm being recorded) and it enables me to play back and understand the circles he talks in. As long as one party knows about the recording (you) it's legal under federal law. Check your state, mine is the same. Your loose canon just might be his own worst enemy and give you needed ammunition to keep him away.
Has he ever threatened or abused you or the kids in any way? When stbx knocked the cat food bowl out of my hands while we were arguing, my lawyer said that was sufficient action to have him removed from the home. I didn't pursue, as it would only be a temporary measure, and I have to placate big baby stbx until some gruesome real estate transactions are complete.
I hope you are consulting with an attorney. If your own marriage counselor is recommending divorce, RUN to your nearest law office.
Unbeknownst to me, he also took apart the locking mechanism on a window so he was able to get in tonight. He came in and removed my newly replaced locks. I video taped him doing so. I was in the process of texting his parents the video and telling them he was scarring my children (to see if they could reason with him) when he decided that if I would promise to get an attorney next week he would replace my locks. That's. Right. He is forcing me to file. I made a video of him saying I had to sign a paper saying I would file before I could have my door knobs back. I also made a video of him saying he was no longer willing to go to counseling.
After that he was happy and giddy. Telling me how he was going to buy a house and wanting me to promise to give him the kids two times a month. We are in debt to our eyeballs. But he's going to buy another house. And. I am not agreeing to anything with him without an attorney. He must think I'm really stupid.
I think the letter thing works even if no legal action has taken place yet, but the video recordings? Brilliant! Please make copies, more than one, and give them to people who can be trusted to keep them safe, people he won't go bother. And send a copy to his parents, not for spite, but so they're aware. Hopefully they have some influence over him? Obviously no where in your home is safe. You might be showing the videos to the police, I doubt you even filing will keep him at bay for long.
And, uh, if he's so psyched to get the divorce, why didn't he do it himself? It really makes no difference at all who files first. He's playing a game, he's dangerous, he's irresponsible and he's the one who is stupid. Be firm in your actions, don't look back. Otherwise, he'll keep drawing you into his messed up world.
I knew 6 years ago that my marriage was trash. Stbx thought otherwise. It was a waiting game, I was going to wait 8 years till youngest was in college. I'm strong, I could suck it up, I thought. I didn't want to rock the boat and all that. I made it 6 years, which was the dumbest thing I've ever done, well second dumbest. It takes a lot of guts to finally file, and it can be hell going through the divorce process (especially with someone who doesn't get reality) but in the end, there is such relief. And peace. And who doesn't deserve that?
Most states won't let you just lock him out...but I don't think that he's allowed to make it so the house his children are living in can't be locked. At least call and find out.
I don't have a local woman's shelter per say. But I do have an appointment with an attorney on Wednesday. I saw her back in June. I have followed through with her advice. I will be showing her the videos and she already has lots of things on file. I'm certain the counselor is prepared to testify in my favor.
I'm worried how this will go and I hate change. But I can't take the crazy any longer.
most other "first-world"
countries, there's a
women's resource
center somewhere
within your state or
region.
If you p.m. me about
where you live, I'll try
to help you find yours.
on-going counseling
with the e.a. awareness
counselor?
Everyday is a new crazy email from him usually a voice memo.... Yesterday it was about how much he would pay towards the water bill ... Because yesterday my son mowed the lawn too short so he's not going to pay much for last months water bill. And he apologized for spoiling me. My car is held together by duct tape. But yeah ok I'm spoiled. Tonight it was all the things he wanted to tell the kids about the divorce (which I haven't even filed for.). First he wanted to start off with a disguised blame on me. He wanted to talk about what will happen when I remarry. And he wanted to close the discussion...with the kids...talking about how much money he thinks he will have to pay me. I told him no way. Told him he could come over and remind them that he loves them and tell them goodnight. Nothing more.
I'm tired of listening to his crazy but hopefully this helps me build a solid case against him.