Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi Everyone, hope you all had a wonderful Easter.
I don't even know where to being........ Forgive me if I jump around, I will really try not to. ***SORRY FOR THE LENGTH***
For the last 1 to 2 weeks I have been doing my best to stay clear of my husband by going to the store, going out running, etc. and it seemed to be working pretty well in avoiding his constant badgering of me about why I won't put the effort into trying to fix the marriage.
Last Sunday (Palm Sunday) my husband and I were ushering at our church. I noticed on the bulletin that there was a church wide dinner on Holy Thursday and mentioned it as a possibility to him (thinking it would get me out of the house and not around him alone). He didn't say yes or no so I figured he wasn't totally interested.
On Friday 3/22 a bunch of friends were getting together for my really good friends birthday, (Holy Friday) but I had already planned this before the Holy Friday service schedule.
My husband seemed perfectly ok with me going to my friends birthday party. Well........ Wednesday night came along, (keep in mind, nothing more was mentioned about Holy Thursday), while going to bed I mentioned that I would be going the next night (Thursday) after work to get my nails done for the party Friday night, he said ok. And we went to bed.
Now keep in mind we have never been overly religious, but since my telling him I wanted out of the marriage, my husband has apparently become the next in line to become pope (Or so that is how I perceive his new found 1 million percent focus on god).
Thursday comes and we leave for work, nothing said. Later that afternoon my husband texts me asking if I was going to Holy Thursday service. I texted back and said I didn't think that we were going and mentioned I was getting my nails done. (Another side note, I used to get my nails done, one of the few things I did for myself at a place close to my work but stopped over a month ago and started going to a place by my home which my husband knew). He texted back and said "Oh, I thought you were going close to your work at lunch, no biggie, I will take the kids. Then sends another text telling me that our 8 year old son wants to know the real meaning of Easter.
Well, now I feel bad, my friend told me not to and to just go and get my nails done and when I get home just ask my son how it was and what he learned.
Come to find out that there was no service for Holy Thursday it was only a dinner at the church, which I nor my husband realized. My husband then said he will be taking them to Good Friday service while I am at the birthday party, which didn't happen because Friday night he went to the neighbors house with the kids to hang out with them and their kids while I was at the party.
I told him Friday night that he needed to just accept my decision. I told him that I have been looking at places to live, I told him I talked to an attorney to get information about divorce. I told him that I found a great after school program where I would like to live for our son.
All weekend I heard about how I just need to try to work on the marriage, I just need to stop thinking about the negative, I need to just let the past go because that is never going to happen again, that I just need to let go and focus on the marriage, that everything is going to be great. He said that I need to give it a shot, that I haven't even done that. I told him that I gave him all kinds of shots in all the past years but he didn't do anything about it. He said that I didn't try hard enough. I told him I asked him to go to therapy and he said he didn't think we needed it (to which he said I should have forced him, made the appointment and forced him, then said days later that he didn't think we needed it because he thought we could read articles, etc.), I told him I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I yelled, I screamed and nothing, he said he didn't realize it. Then I told him, I read him articles, I sent him articles to read and he said I only sent them every once in a while. He said that his eyes are open now.
I had a splitting headache last night, we got home from my mom and dads from dinner and I just wanted to go to bed. I kissed my kids goodnight and went into my room, got into bed and my husband was elated..... He said "Oh this has to be a sign, Fireproof is on" (Fireproof is a christian movie about a women who falls out of love with her husband and he doesn't want to end the marriage and his dad tells him to follow this specific method and it will fix his marriage). He said again "This has to be a sign, this is the 6th time now that this movie has been in our face" which is true, but not 6 times. When I first recognized I wanted out I was confused and struggled and didn't know what I wanted and a friend of mine gave me the movie to watch (#1), then a friend of ours sent it to us when he heard we were having "problems" (#2), my husband was out having a beer an apparently talking to a stranger about our marriage problems and he recommended the movie (#3), and the movie was on last night (#4).
So he wakes me up this morning about 5:15am, first question out of his mouth "Did you put a retainer down with the attorney?", I said no, I told you that I was getting information. He said "ha" under his breath, then said and your looking for places to live. I said yes, because you are not accepting what I am telling you.
He was VERY cold, very mean (only in his tone and body language). He went into my sons room a while later to get him up for school. I went in my sons room and kissed him on the head (he was still sleeping), I looked at my husband and said "I'm sorry", he looked at me with this cold mean look and said "sorry to who?, me? the kids? sorry for what? breaking up this family?". I broke into tears and walked out. He followed me and started the whole thing over again about how I needed to try, how I need to realize, etc. etc. etc. He eluded multiple times that I was taking the easy way out, I said to him, "easy way?", "You think me uprooting the kids and myself to get out of something I don't want is easy?, Staying in this marriage would be the easy thing. He said "well, it will be hard work to work on the marriage, I am not saying you leaving would be hard, yadda yadda yadda".
I cried my whole way to work. I am a mess today.
He called me shortly after I got to work and said I was abandoning the family, because I chose to get my nails done, because I ran over in time when we had a camping outting and said that it has been more noticeable over the last couple of weeks.
I am so emotional and know I am still doing the right thing but he is playing with my head and it is really really starting to get to me and confuse me and make me second guess what I am doing........ Making me think I am a bad mom (Although when I say it to him he says that is not what he is doing, of course), making me feel selfish (He actually told me I was being selfish).
Sorry for the length!
THANK YOU!
I don't even know where to being........ Forgive me if I jump around, I will really try not to. ***SORRY FOR THE LENGTH***
For the last 1 to 2 weeks I have been doing my best to stay clear of my husband by going to the store, going out running, etc. and it seemed to be working pretty well in avoiding his constant badgering of me about why I won't put the effort into trying to fix the marriage.
Last Sunday (Palm Sunday) my husband and I were ushering at our church. I noticed on the bulletin that there was a church wide dinner on Holy Thursday and mentioned it as a possibility to him (thinking it would get me out of the house and not around him alone). He didn't say yes or no so I figured he wasn't totally interested.
On Friday 3/22 a bunch of friends were getting together for my really good friends birthday, (Holy Friday) but I had already planned this before the Holy Friday service schedule.
My husband seemed perfectly ok with me going to my friends birthday party. Well........ Wednesday night came along, (keep in mind, nothing more was mentioned about Holy Thursday), while going to bed I mentioned that I would be going the next night (Thursday) after work to get my nails done for the party Friday night, he said ok. And we went to bed.
Now keep in mind we have never been overly religious, but since my telling him I wanted out of the marriage, my husband has apparently become the next in line to become pope (Or so that is how I perceive his new found 1 million percent focus on god).
Thursday comes and we leave for work, nothing said. Later that afternoon my husband texts me asking if I was going to Holy Thursday service. I texted back and said I didn't think that we were going and mentioned I was getting my nails done. (Another side note, I used to get my nails done, one of the few things I did for myself at a place close to my work but stopped over a month ago and started going to a place by my home which my husband knew). He texted back and said "Oh, I thought you were going close to your work at lunch, no biggie, I will take the kids. Then sends another text telling me that our 8 year old son wants to know the real meaning of Easter.
Well, now I feel bad, my friend told me not to and to just go and get my nails done and when I get home just ask my son how it was and what he learned.
Come to find out that there was no service for Holy Thursday it was only a dinner at the church, which I nor my husband realized. My husband then said he will be taking them to Good Friday service while I am at the birthday party, which didn't happen because Friday night he went to the neighbors house with the kids to hang out with them and their kids while I was at the party.
I told him Friday night that he needed to just accept my decision. I told him that I have been looking at places to live, I told him I talked to an attorney to get information about divorce. I told him that I found a great after school program where I would like to live for our son.
All weekend I heard about how I just need to try to work on the marriage, I just need to stop thinking about the negative, I need to just let the past go because that is never going to happen again, that I just need to let go and focus on the marriage, that everything is going to be great. He said that I need to give it a shot, that I haven't even done that. I told him that I gave him all kinds of shots in all the past years but he didn't do anything about it. He said that I didn't try hard enough. I told him I asked him to go to therapy and he said he didn't think we needed it (to which he said I should have forced him, made the appointment and forced him, then said days later that he didn't think we needed it because he thought we could read articles, etc.), I told him I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I yelled, I screamed and nothing, he said he didn't realize it. Then I told him, I read him articles, I sent him articles to read and he said I only sent them every once in a while. He said that his eyes are open now.
I had a splitting headache last night, we got home from my mom and dads from dinner and I just wanted to go to bed. I kissed my kids goodnight and went into my room, got into bed and my husband was elated..... He said "Oh this has to be a sign, Fireproof is on" (Fireproof is a christian movie about a women who falls out of love with her husband and he doesn't want to end the marriage and his dad tells him to follow this specific method and it will fix his marriage). He said again "This has to be a sign, this is the 6th time now that this movie has been in our face" which is true, but not 6 times. When I first recognized I wanted out I was confused and struggled and didn't know what I wanted and a friend of mine gave me the movie to watch (#1), then a friend of ours sent it to us when he heard we were having "problems" (#2), my husband was out having a beer an apparently talking to a stranger about our marriage problems and he recommended the movie (#3), and the movie was on last night (#4).
So he wakes me up this morning about 5:15am, first question out of his mouth "Did you put a retainer down with the attorney?", I said no, I told you that I was getting information. He said "ha" under his breath, then said and your looking for places to live. I said yes, because you are not accepting what I am telling you.
He was VERY cold, very mean (only in his tone and body language). He went into my sons room a while later to get him up for school. I went in my sons room and kissed him on the head (he was still sleeping), I looked at my husband and said "I'm sorry", he looked at me with this cold mean look and said "sorry to who?, me? the kids? sorry for what? breaking up this family?". I broke into tears and walked out. He followed me and started the whole thing over again about how I needed to try, how I need to realize, etc. etc. etc. He eluded multiple times that I was taking the easy way out, I said to him, "easy way?", "You think me uprooting the kids and myself to get out of something I don't want is easy?, Staying in this marriage would be the easy thing. He said "well, it will be hard work to work on the marriage, I am not saying you leaving would be hard, yadda yadda yadda".
I cried my whole way to work. I am a mess today.
He called me shortly after I got to work and said I was abandoning the family, because I chose to get my nails done, because I ran over in time when we had a camping outting and said that it has been more noticeable over the last couple of weeks.
I am so emotional and know I am still doing the right thing but he is playing with my head and it is really really starting to get to me and confuse me and make me second guess what I am doing........ Making me think I am a bad mom (Although when I say it to him he says that is not what he is doing, of course), making me feel selfish (He actually told me I was being selfish).
Sorry for the length!
THANK YOU!
My soon to be ex has tried it all. Even threatening me with identity theft for signing checks until he realized he signed MY name, too. Trust me. It is not easy. Tell him to STOP baiting, blaming, criticizing, accusing, and laying on the guilt.
Does he ever leave the house to take care of his needs? Well, isn't HE abandoning the family? Really, it will get this petty. Sounds as if he will be setting you up for failure. Make plans you can't attend because you were never told *he will lie* and in front of audiences you will be drawn and quartered as the selfish one for not attending.
You will not be given important messages. He will hurry and divert any pay to his own private accounts. He will get a P. O. box and his mail will go there. He will be on the cell phone all the time. If you enter the room - he will quickly exit. It is insanity. But worth it. To me. For my sanity.
You have a right to enjoy your life too. While being a mom. Who made him the expert on what a bad mom is?
Trust me - you will be the ONLY one that is a BAD wife, a BAD mother, a BAD whatever. He is PERFECT. Look up narcissists. I married one. Now after so many years of awful I AM GETTING OUT.
God does NOT want you to be living in hell with a person that only loves himself.
Be sure to find out if there is therapy for you or the kids thru the courts. It can help. Don't let him put the kids in the middle. Begin keeping a journal - like what you posted here. Run this separation like a business that you want to thrive. Be shrewd. Be aware. WRITE IT DOWN!!
And ask him repeatedly "remember I have a nail appt tomorrow. Is there anything else planned that you haven't told me?" He is going to get very crafty and you NEED to be very explicit about plans, schedules, dates, etc. Try to be on the phone with someone so they can hear you ask him! Yes, I know. Crazy. But wait until you see what he is capable of. Don't look back. Suddenly all the gooshy love he USED to give is now GONE. It's a competition. And he wants to WIN at all COSTS.
Catch him before he can make you out to be the baddie. Cover your tushie.
Good luck. (I first separated in August, 2012. Two weeks until the deposition, the pretrial and all that. I am so excited I could dance in the street) :) Hold on - good things are going to happen, but there's some not so great things that will, too!!
The only way to avoid these confusing bs conversations is to not have them. Don't bother to tell him what you are up to (lawyer, house hunting etc) - he'll figure that out when you are gone and he gets divorce papers. Don't bother pointing out to him that you did try in the past, because there is NOTHING you could have done that would have been "enough". Nothing. Notice you say you did this, that and the other - and yet it's still all YOUR fault because you didn't prevent him being abusive. Where's his sense of responsibility? How can the future with him possibly be any different while you are still being held 100% responsible for his past actions?
My ex was twice the size I was, and blamed all of our problems on his alcoholism (which was also not his fault). And so, when he was finally charged with assaulting me, he actually had the gall to say he was going to have me charged with aiding and abetting, because I didn't prevent him drinking. When I said I had tried EVERYTHING to stop him drinking - I researched AA groups (he wouldn't go because he's atheist and refuses to go to something that mentions "God" or anything like it); counsellors (he didn't want to go); rehab (didn't need it) and on and on, plus begging him not to buy any alcohol, blah blah blah. And the one time I acted and hid his alcohol, he threatened to throw our then 6 month old son off the balcony to the concrete below if I didn't tell him where I'd hidden it. And then tells me I'm responsible for his drinking because I didn't stop him.
Yours is doing the very same thing - blaming you for his abuse of you because you didn't actually stop him. Like you could have.
You DID try. You know you did. He broke this and the fact it can't be fixed now is not your fault. He's like someone who has picked up a teapot and smashed it on the floor in a million pieces, and he's now trying to convince you that all you need to do (not that YOU need to) is glue the handle back on and it'll be good as new. And that, against all the evidence to the contrary, he'll never break it again. You are not at fault for refusing to pick up the glue.
It is mind boggling, the things he comes up with! Lately he has been hinting I have a drug problem. OMG. I have been organic since 2005 and gluten free since 09. I don't take any drugs of any type - not even Tylenol *what it can do to kidneys stopped that one quick like.
He is bringing up the time I saw a doctor about my weight issues and was put on a mild diuretic and appetite suppressing prescribed medicine. That was before I dated him!??!! Odd.
Be prepared. Crazy doesn't even begin to identify his actions. His thoughts. His accusations. Know it. Nod and walk away. He is trying to pull you into a confrontation. This is what these psychos feed upon. As soon as you are left weak, shaking, barely breathing he will walk away triumphant. His work there is done and you can just suffer.
Take care. Ease up on the carbs. Exercise!! The one thing that drives them crazy is that you can carry on without them quite well.
But that is when the slander campaign with family/friends - guys at the barber shop (yes - mine polled 11 people at the barber shop with our sordid separation details) against you.
It is so painful. So hard to comprehend. You will feel so alone and helpless. Calming organic teas. Deep breaths. A run in the park. Whatever it takes to keep your sanity and health in a safeway.
(((((hugs)))))
It seemed things escalated some after you told him you were looking for a house. I'm thinking maybe you should keep things like looking for a house or anything about a lawyer to yourself. If you want to be badgered less, try and only talk about the kids and the weather. Don't mention anything that you know will set him off again, if you don't want him in your face talking about fixing the marriage.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
It is quite comical because I would always tell him that all he cared about was my weight, he would him and hah around the subject and half heartedly say "NO", but I knew. Well after he guilted me into a tummy tuck and liposuction (which I am now reaping the benefits from) and running and feeling good he is all over me, but tells me it was never my weight, until he said to me yesterday "Are you trying to pay me back for saying negative and mean things to me?" I said "why would you say that?", he said "because you lost all the weight and its like now your trying to pay me back because you look good and you won't let me have you".
So in the end, as I suspected all along, he is a superficial narcacistic sociapathic a$$hole and really didn't change!!!!!!
Thank you Gem, you are right!!! The only reason I brought it up was because since I was ignoring him and staying away my therapist thought it would be a good idea to start trying to prep him on the upcoming events, however in light of his reaction I will not and my therapist as well does not want me to entertain it anymore.
Has he ever admitted that wanting you to lose weight "For Him" and look good "For Him" Is plain crazy??
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thanks again. :)
Be careful. I know he's not violent, but just be careful - he's not "needed" to be violent before either. But he's starting to lose control and to really understand that he's losing control - and that can make these crazies go even crazier.