I had this problem too. We do it because "fixing" others takes the focus off of us. It keeps us from looking at our own issues. Try to make a conscious effort to write down some real truths about yourself and your behavior. Here were some of mine.

1. I am just as at fault, if not more for being in an abusive relationship.

2. I don't care if I have no say or sense of identity, as long as he loves me I will be okay.

3. When he wants me my life has value, when he does not, it doesn't.

Tell yourself the truth about why you stay!! That is what I had to do. It hurt but now I am free.

Thanks for the reply Kai23. It seems sometimes the truth is the hardest thing to face but what we need to face the most. :(

I really need to work on valueing myself more. Honestly it should not matter what issues he has, we all have issues. I was just diagnosed with ADD, does that give me a reason to hurt others, be it emotionally or otherwise?

I stayed with my husband because he was sexually abused.

Five years into my marriage, while I was pregnant with my second child, my husband ramped up his abuse of me BIG TIME. I had everything arranged to move into my brother's basement apartment right after the baby was born. A few weeks before I was getting ready to leave he drops this bombshell.

"Supposedly" he was going to get help and heal from this. His entire family turned their backs on him, since it was a family member who admittedly did it.

I stuck around because I read all the books on it, thought he would seek therapy and heal, wake up and realize the pain he causes me and the kids, and what kind of person abandons the person they love in their time of need.

Since he never had any intentions of getting help for his abusive past, told me he is over it many,many,many times, without any help from therapy, thinks nothing of taking his pain out on me and the kids, I wish I would have left when I planned. He never appreciated my support anyway.

Now I realize that no matter what you went through in life it does not give anyone the right to treat someone else with such disregard. Hell I grew up in an abusive household and I don't do that.

He uses that as his get out of jail free card. Problem is I am so over it and plan on leaving .

Wow, kai, that is a great response. Really, truly great.

As for me - I stayed longer than I should have because:

1) my ex's substance abuse. I thought if I toughed it out I would inspire her to sober up.
2) my ex's stories of having rotten boyfriends and ex husband, and a father that was emotionally absent during her childhood. In a way I pitied her and thought that she deserved to be in a loving relationship with a guy who is loyal and stable.

But my motivation for #1 and 2 was in large part (especially toward the end) do to wanting my ex to become a stable mother for her son. There were a few times where I was ready to call it quits, but words from her son implied that he did not want me to go.

I stayed because I was tricked. I truly believed that the man I had fallen in love with was the real man, but who he became was the real man. I just couldn't accept it. I had true memories of us, of him that were real and I just didn't know how to accept that the abuse wouldn't stop or go away.

I had found that I was researching MORE on my abusers than myself..it was crazy. I had one that basically drank himself to sleep when he got in from work and would literally fall asleep with a beer between his legs on the couch. He was what you would call a functioning alcoholic. He also liked pain pills when he could get them. :( He would use guilt, either with his fibro (of which I had no medical proof) Or guilt from his children being sick or sad that I had left the relationship, sometimes sending me videos or photos of them, or actually telling me they were sick and needed me.

The latest abuser was less manipulative, he did not drink but about 3 weeks into the relationship, I found out he smoked pot. That was the least of my worries. He also had a cabinet full of pain meds and meds for his ADD, Tourettes, OCD and had done amphetimene's for years but had been off of them for a time.
I focused on what he could not help ( the medical issues) and looked them up, trying to focus on how to help him , how to be more patient, how to warn him on certain medications, etc.
I actually even caught how Lamicital was blurring his vision.
He self medicated alot. :(

Unfortunately, he chooses to do unprescribed recreational drugs and had tried to go cold turkey off pot, but I think he has not been able to do it.
While the caring and compassionate side of me honestly cares about his welfare, I have to look out for me first. He has hurt me twice, not so much physically, but mentally and emotionally.
I stayed alot longer than I would have with him had he not had all the medical issues, and I gave him more chances because of all the medical issues. He also hinted at childhood abuses. :(

Thing is, I suffer from childhood abuse, including sexual. I have suffered from physical and emotional abuse. I have diagnosed depression and anxiety, recently diagnosed ADD. Yet I do not harm others because of this. I may be harmful to myself at times, but I have never intentionally harmed others.

I am sorry for anyone that has suffered abuse of any sort. I truly feel that if you have felt such hurt, it would seem YOU would not want to inflict it on others?! Just my thoughts...

I stayed in part because of his stories of horrendous abuse he witnessed as a child, as well as his alcoholism. He only ever hit me when he was drunk, so I kidded myself that alcohol was the problem. I also kidded myself that I could "fix" him (as I kidded myself that I could "fix" a previous bf, who wasn't an alcoholic and wasn't violent, but who had childhood abuse issues, which "excused" his treating me like crap).

I agree with kai that "fixing" others takes the focus off us. I also think that, in my case, I never felt worthy of love so I thought (not consciously) that if I managed to "fix" someone, he would be so grateful that he'd never leave me - it never occurred to me that gratitude is not the same as love, it was the next best thing and as good as I thought I'd ever manage. I think I also hoped that, if I fixed him, that would fix me.

But I know now that we can never fix anyone else, we can only try to fix ourselves - and nobody else can fix us, either. I also know that we are all lovable for who we are, not for what we can do for someone else. And that our value comes from within, not from what someone else thinks of us. A diamond is no less a diamond because some fool treats it as cut glass.