Your feelings are normal! Please let them be! They do not need to determine your actions though. If you believe No Contact is the proper solution please stick with that. It's ok to feel one thing and do another.

When I feel this way it helps me to read about traumatic bonding.
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

ooooo said it right. Your feelings are so normal for what you've been through. It doesn't matter that you are the one that pulled the plug (but I am so glad you did). It still hurts big time. I did the same. After a while I realized it wasn't "him" I was missing, it was the dream, it was what he represented.

Have you ever tried Bach's Rescue Remedy. It's an herbal drop you can put in your drink or under your tongue. I found it very helpful in easing my heightened emotions.

Big hugs. One minute at a time. You can do this. In reality, you've already taken the hardest step....making the wise decision to leave him and following through.

Stay strong!

Yep, totally normal. Traumatic bonding is really true. You can also look up 'cognitive dissonance' if you like. It's holding two conflicting ideas simultaneously, and is what happens to virtually every person post-relationship with a psychopath. The two ideas are that you want to contact the person and get them back, and that you know they are bad for you and you should stay away.

Ask away - it's what we are here for :) Hope this helps, and great to see you around on here again! Loads of hugs xxx

It might be helpful to make a distinction between your actual feelings for him and the other things you might be missing or feeling anxious about like is described in trauma binding issues. I think as victims we can fall in love with the relationship, not always the person since an abuser doesn't often show his true self.

I know I struggle with grieving my dream and the relationship I made it out to be in my mind. Like I will see things that remind me of a vacation we took or couples showing PDA and I will feel this ache in my heart but when I further reflect it isn't the real him I miss but the alternate reality I made in my mind. Before we had knowledge of what was going on we could convince ourselves anything was possible but now reality sets in....

I guess I just can't wrap my mind around why I can't let it go all together? I know in my heart it is not the emotion of love as I have loved before, in my marriage and was with him 13 years. I still keep his pictures in my home and he is never far from my mind, my ex husband. I just seem to go through the motions with anyone since, if that makes sense? It is almost as if I have never healed from my divorce?
So this last relationship, which was only 3 years and more off than on, full of lies and headgames, emotional and mental manipulation, and only the honeymoon period in the very beginning should not even be worth thinking about?
I have stayed NC with this person for as long as 8-9 months, why only after 1 month am I wavering?
Granted being inside, snow, holidays alone, all that time to think has not helped, but I really thought I had a stronger mind then this.

ooooo, I am going to read your link, thank you so much.

ltwist, I will try to find that herbal drop you recommended. I wish I had insurance currently, I would try to make a drs appmt as my nerves are on edge, I was up and down all last night, with a migraine and throwing up.

I wish we had the power to sweep thoughts out of our heads. :(

Sorry I posted before I seen your replies Rockin and Godis....He was an absolute charmer in the beginning. In talking to his mother after the times I have gotten the strength to break it off, she has said he has hurt so many women. I have even said to her, " I just don't understand, he is really not all that good looking?" Then I felt bad, and apologized..and she said, I get what you mean, He is charming though and he knows how to con."
He is the only man to ever have taken me to a play. To have even offered to take me on trips. In the very beginning he even talked of us going to Ireland, my dream trip.
It's like he can find what you want or need most and promise it to you in a way that makes you believe he will make it happen.
Another thing he promised me was a barn for my horse, any type I wanted, the con....if this "deal" came through.
He always has a project, a deal, a con.
Needless to say, no barn, No trip to Ireland, and the honeymoons got shorter and shorter.

I'm no professional, but what you are describing sounds like feelings that simply need to come out and run free. Constraining feelings doesn't make them go away and in therapy people go through this long drawn out release period (to my understanding). So the more you can let your feelings "just be" the sooner they will leave, I believe. I've tried this and it works for me!

Awesome advice from my counselor: "You don't need to have feelings about your feelings."

When I did have a therapist, we never quite got to him or really any of the abusive men I have dated. It honestly took a few of the sessions to even be able to open up to look her in the eye and talk about anything.
Behind the anonoymity of the computer, I can discuss things.
I finally started journaling and taking my stuff in for her to read. Then our sessions ended.
I know I can get past this, I have gotten past much more abusive men, men that have thrown me down driveways, beat me till I should of checked into a hospital. It's just like I am stuck.

I think the promise in the beginning is so strong, the dreams so amazing of what could be that they linger, the honeymoon was so amazing and memorable.

I read somewhere that when our mind stores happy memories it puts them whole in one place but when painful memories are stored in our brain they are fragmented. I am not a medical person but this article (sorry I cannot remember the source) made a lot of sense to me as like you I seem to remember the good times, the honeymoon so well. Yet the bad times were very bad!

Maybe the dream you had is like a warning? That you are healing from this person but that you need to keep vigilant to it, stay no contact and keep yourself from the hurt.

We will never go back to the start when the honeymoon was beautiful, if you re-unite with him you will pick up where you left off and the abuse will continue and get worse.

Joanie I am glad you are posting about your feelings. You've had a lot of great insights from everyone already. The one thing I would add is that Domestic Violence shelters all have counselors and they are free of charge. So far, for me they have been the most knowledgeable and offered the most support to me on this issue. You don't have to be in an emergency situation where you're in physical danger to go meet with one. I'm not sure where you live, but there is a lot of talk on here about finding a counselor with specialized training in abuse and recovery from abuse, and in my area, the only ones I can find are at the shelter. xx

Thank you for your replies Strength and Day.
Actually in the dream he was lying to me, and at the same time making the moves on me. It was like my mind was saying no, don't trust him, you know darn well he lies, but my body not so much. Which is odd as I am honestly not all that attracted to him. :/
I think too many snowstorms and too much alone time, I feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, like I ought to be typing away at a typewriter..
" All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull Boy."
Yeah, I need to get a life, for sure.

Day, I would love to find some free or low cost counseling. I live in a pretty small town so most likely not an option. I have been looking and the closest one I found that looks to possibly specialize in abuse is about 45 minutes or more from me and as I work weekdays Mon-fri, not sure how I would schedule yet, we do Saturdays as well in summer. Her prices range from $100.00 as session 1 hr to more.
I will have to stay strong for now.

I agree with everyone else. These feelings however frustrating are totally normal.

I left my ex in September and I was still dreaming about him in December. It made it worse due to the holidays. The dreams and thoughts will go away just very slowly. I still think about him a lot but I found I haven't dreamt about him. Also I felt like there was progress in my dreams about him. Right after the break up I kept having dreams he missed me or he would sincerely apologize for his actions. Then my dreams became us fighting and yelling at each other just like how it was in reality. I think it just takes our subconscious longer to catch up with our conscious realities. You know he's no good for you but your dreams haven't got that message yet.

I was wondering if he would contact me also. I found that blocking him helped me to regain power in that situation. If i blocked his number I'd never know if he tried to call but the point was I already said "No! You cannot call me!" before he got the chance. The jerk decided to email me, trying to blame me for some nonsense but i just didn't reply and blocked that address altogether.

If it's possible try to shift your thoughts away from him not being accepting of you. You are a wonderful person. You are capable of real love and he isn't. So though you are hurt, one day your thoughts will change to:

I don't want that bum to contact me,I'm glad he's smart enough to leave me be.

He may not be contacting me but that's because he knows he can't abuse me anymore because I won't allow it.

I deserve respect and he didn't give me that so good riddance to that garbage!

Thank you so very much Twilight. I just commented on your journal. The new one. So happy for you. Phone going dead but so grateful for everybody here. Hugs

Twilight, good advice .

Joanie, hang in there and be strong!

Twilight I took your advice. Thank you.

Serenity, thank you for your support.