When a person changes, everything about them changes. They no longer do the things that they used to do. Their actions line up with their words. To use a biblical prespective on it, Jesus said you will know them by their fruits (actions that produce good fruit).

When someone changes they admit, they hold themselves accountable, and they are truly sorry for pain they caused.

Changes also comes in baby steps. The best indicator of change is to listen to the actions, not the words.

""""""""""""" It seems weired when I hear my sibblings say that my dad is diffrent when I can see that he is not.""""""""""""""""""


The most likely explanation is that
your siblings are deep in denial and
are "seeing' what they wish they would
be seeing. But the reality is closer to
what you're seeing. . . that he's no
different.

The only way abusers change
is for the worse.


As painful as it is, it's better
overall, to NOT be deep in
denial.

I don't believe abusers are capable of change and I agree with Ilene, they tend to get worse.

My late father abused and manipulated his family right up to his death. If I were to say this to my siblings, however, they'd tell you that I was over-sensistive, exaggerating and that their reality was different to my own. Even reminding one of my siblings of how she and I, as small children, were removed from our beds and taken to a neighbours house (because my father had been so abusive to my mother the police were called) was met with excuses. You can't reason with denial...

I agree they only change for the worse, people have to want to change but because they see nothing wrong with their behavior they have no reason to change

Trust what YOU see. You don't see change. It doesn't matter what your siblings say. I'm highly skeptical of an abuser ever having the capacity to change. But if I were to consider the possibility, it would have to be a change that was substantial and obvious and longstanding enough that there would be no need to question it. If you're questioning the supposed change that you don't see any evidence of, well, I think you have your answer.

Abusers rarely change and I think they are all in denial.

My husband comes from a family were there was incest. My husband was one of the victims. When he finally got up the courage to tell, his f'd up parents were livid that he would mess up the family this way. They sided with his brother the abuser, his father came to our house and started strangling my husband and told him to never ever speak of this again or he would kill him. We have never spoken to them again, however, each of his sisters fell right into denial and if you would see them on facebook they are the perfect family.

Denial is a very powerful tool to keep you from having to deal with reality. My husband would havefell right into it if I would have gone along with it......

All that really matters is what you believe. Even if he had changed, maybe his abuse was too harsh for forgiveness or reconciliation. It really doesn't even matter if he's changed or not and chances are that he hasn't. your siblings may want to believe that to excuse their being in contact with him or they may be attempting to get you to recontact him or to forgive him, but you don't have to do either. Sometimes people want to believe it so bad that they see what they want not reality. Trust your own judgement and your own instinct. you know what is best for you regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Sometimes I wish they would leave me alone and not say anything at all. I don'e want to hear how he is so much better then when I lived there. They forget all that I had to do to keep them from getting the abuse. They really never saw how bad it really was.

Guy,

Trust me, they saw it. It was there. They may have used denial as a coping skill. We all use that when we want the pain to stop. Do not wait for your siblings to validate you. You know it happened. Get your validation from someone who understands. My siblings do not want to talk about the things that went on in our home either. But I know they happened. I just choose to learn about it and heal my life now. Some people do not want to "face their giants". You have. Now you can walk away knowing that you have done so.

My siblings say this about my dad too. There is a big difference betwee me and my siblings however, they have not come to see my father for the person he really is. They are still caught under is thumb, believing his broken promises, being stuck in the cycle of abuse and still getting hurt. It's very sad and I hope they see the truth someday.

They see the cycle but won't get out of it. I have removed myself from the situation and no longer have contact with the man. It took a while and I do still love him, which is even a harder battle in the head.

I know he has not changed. Any signs of change are always short lived, the honeymoon period. its a hard thing.