Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi All!
I am feeling a little sick around the edges, so I have been laying low and not posting much. Although I come here to read daily.
After a run-in with the ex this past week, I was left shaken and confused- and more determined than ever to heal and move on with my life. I realized I had been waiting for him to come back, to beg and offer an apology. It is never going to happen, as he has re-written history so that I am a villian. I am supposed to apologize and grovel to him for things I never did! Not going to happen-ever!
Anyhow, after reading some threads on here about positive thinking and making new friends, I decided to join a book club. The book selection of the month is Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. I am not even 12 pages into the book and I can spot that the husband is a psychopath. It is cleverly written, the author is trying to get the audience inside of his head and to sympathize with him (at least at first- I have no idea what later chapters hold). And I could spot he was a psychopath from a mile off!!!
It was very disturbing because I could the ex in this man, so very clearly. Charming and good in bed. Intelligent and witty. Picking up the girl who felt out of place and lonely, but not looking for anything serious- not on her guard. Cold, shallow emotional affect. The pause between recognizing appropriate emotions and showing them. The learned ability to recognize and pretend normal behavior because that is how others are....
There were times when I was with my ex that would chill me down to the bone. I would realize he really had no idea why people acted a certain way- why you would hold your best friend's hand when her cat was put to sleep. Why I would be sad- empathy was lost on him and something he clearly never experienced.
The crazy thing is, I only ever recognized this through No Contact. His behaviors and shallow affect seemed normal after years of being with him. I would have never seen what grave danger I was in, or how horribly I had been treated, if I had not left or decided to work on myself.
Please, please I beg all of you who are out there trying to leave the person you have loved and who has brought you here ro this site. Go NC and really, really give yourself a chance to heal. It is hell, it is hard work, I am not going to lie to you.... But until you go NC, you will never realize the peril you are truly in.
You are all too precious to deserve anything less than the very best!!
I am feeling a little sick around the edges, so I have been laying low and not posting much. Although I come here to read daily.
After a run-in with the ex this past week, I was left shaken and confused- and more determined than ever to heal and move on with my life. I realized I had been waiting for him to come back, to beg and offer an apology. It is never going to happen, as he has re-written history so that I am a villian. I am supposed to apologize and grovel to him for things I never did! Not going to happen-ever!
Anyhow, after reading some threads on here about positive thinking and making new friends, I decided to join a book club. The book selection of the month is Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. I am not even 12 pages into the book and I can spot that the husband is a psychopath. It is cleverly written, the author is trying to get the audience inside of his head and to sympathize with him (at least at first- I have no idea what later chapters hold). And I could spot he was a psychopath from a mile off!!!
It was very disturbing because I could the ex in this man, so very clearly. Charming and good in bed. Intelligent and witty. Picking up the girl who felt out of place and lonely, but not looking for anything serious- not on her guard. Cold, shallow emotional affect. The pause between recognizing appropriate emotions and showing them. The learned ability to recognize and pretend normal behavior because that is how others are....
There were times when I was with my ex that would chill me down to the bone. I would realize he really had no idea why people acted a certain way- why you would hold your best friend's hand when her cat was put to sleep. Why I would be sad- empathy was lost on him and something he clearly never experienced.
The crazy thing is, I only ever recognized this through No Contact. His behaviors and shallow affect seemed normal after years of being with him. I would have never seen what grave danger I was in, or how horribly I had been treated, if I had not left or decided to work on myself.
Please, please I beg all of you who are out there trying to leave the person you have loved and who has brought you here ro this site. Go NC and really, really give yourself a chance to heal. It is hell, it is hard work, I am not going to lie to you.... But until you go NC, you will never realize the peril you are truly in.
You are all too precious to deserve anything less than the very best!!
And I will look for that book, it might help me too. Am sure I have heard the name before...
Hugs xx
I got the apology. With it comes the "I'm a changed man now!" Or the "I'm going getting help!"
The thing is with these abusers is that you'll always be left waiting for something. They seem to think that the only way to get you is to hook you and the only way to do so is to dangle you in some way.
That's why there is always a promise, always something your waiting for with them! Always a "I'm going to, I will prove it to you at some point" or just waiting for an apology.
The whole rewriting history, well as well as the tactic of "the hook" abusers also hate responsibility. He's obviously still in the "I'm the innocent one" mode!
I bet you'll hear from him again and he will be all apologising. So long as you remember that it won't be a real apology I think you can handle him now! (And I mean that in a way of unhooking yourself from him)
Apologies are MASSIVE let downs from abusers, you'll not find closure, self worth, respect, or dignity in them, everything contains a theme with abusers, it's the stentch of bullshit that is always in the air around them, nothing they do involves you, they come first in absolutely everything, even apologies. They apologies for themselves, they rewrite history for themselves, they always come from a selfish place! You could look for something but as you've realised, you'll never find it as he doesn't have it. He has zero empathy!
Xxxxx
Kaz, he did come back and apologize once before, and I suspect he will do it again. Although, I don't think it will be as grand. I shattered his image of himself over this past summer (and after his grand apology), when I refused to marry him or live with him- and when I decided to call him out on his abuse. He had already told his family, friends and co-workers that we were going to be married before even asking me!!! I stayed true to myself and demanded that he make the changes he vowed he would make and SHOW me he had changed- and guess what? It got WORSE.
You are right, the stench of bullshit follows him around like a bunch of flies buzzing over cowpies!!! And you are so right about being left to dangle... During my most recent run-in with him, he promised that he loved me and that he still wanted to spend his life with me, but that I had to prove I had changed first!!! Completely psycho.... He was trying to get into my pants, while also trying to get me to want to earn his approval. It did not work.
I told him to stuff it. I received a message yesterday from him sayingh still wanted to be friend's and that patience is a virtue (again code in his f-ed up world that if I wait for him and be a good little girl, he be my prince charming). Games!!! All of it! I don't know how I didn't see through it before. I guess I was blinded by love and needing to believe that he was the man I thought he was.
I was craving love and approval, without realizing I was the only one who could truly give myself those things- that my opinion about myself mattered most!
I am almost thankful to him for showing me my own parts inside of myself that needed to be loved, nurtured and approved of... :)
I have not read the book, but I think it may be too triggering for me right now.
It does seem that the more days I don't talk to him, the better I feel and I begin to see the truth of who he is.