Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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mamacoxx4 03/05/2013

So,meet with my lawyer today. I need to make some tough decisions. Right now my husband only has been granted supervised visitation..it hasn't started yet. She said without a doubt I will get sole custody. Lawyer for children 100% with me..even judge told her to tell me to forget everything they taught us in the parenting class we took..not to work with husband at all. My problem..2 out of my 3 children are terrified of him and said they will refuse to participate in the supervised visits..they are 9 and 11. Said they can take them to jail,they just won't go in the room. My 11 yr old told me last night she fears Dad will break in our house and kill us all one night..I've heard the same from our 19 yr old,neighbors, family..and of course I feel that way. All that being said, I have filed police reports,they have called and warned him..I finally have let him know I'm following through..even through the fears,I'm doing it. He does have a girlfriend..was cheating when he was still here so they have been together a while now..at least 9 months. I'm wondering if I should just offer to take no support at all..let him just walk away,but sign children over to me. He cares not 1 bit for kids..its all about control and his love of money. I have no idea how I would support us.been stay at home mom forever,but ..I'm sure the honeymoon period with his new GR should be over soon..will she become his new target?? I was married over 20 yrs. Do sociopaths ever let go? He wanted out..I don't know..as much input I can get would help.. all that being said, I hate to reward him for being abusive..walk away with all that matters to him..money

gem111 03/05/2013

I would do whatever it takes to get you the most peace in you and your children's life. If the kids are that terrified of him, I would do anything so they would have as little contact with him as possible.
I wish you lots of luck and sending hugs.

radrm 03/05/2013

I think you can go for child support and that does not mean he can have visitation. You and your kids need the help financially and it is half his responsibility too. Go for the support too but just make sure your safe and the protection order is used for any breach. I was afraid just like you when I left my sons father. I too had a restraining order, kick out order, and that restraining order covered my son too. The problem where I live is that you call 911 here and they put you on hold with elevator music. I got a support order but he hardly ever did pay it in the end anyhow. So you can get the order but it doesn't mean he won't find a way to weasel out of it and you can't really count on that income, at least I couldn't. Your kids are in school maybe you can find employment during school hours? I know its hard and seems impossible but with faith in God all things are possible. That is what helped me through those times that little hope there is a God and He is going to help me to do all these things I need to do. Thats why one day at a time is all we can do sometimes. It gets us to the next day pretty well. Hugs, I hope you and your kids are safe. I really felt scared for 15 years after I left my sons father and knew if he could he would kill me and maybe my son too but he died April 28th - 2 years ago and slowly that fear diminished but I still have moments where it seems real again. I feel sad your kids have to live in fear. What a way to live. I suggest you get counseling for them and yourself too. Good luck! Stay safe with your kids!

deleted_user 03/06/2013

I would discuss this with your lawyer. I know there are posters here who have forgiven the CS and have regretted it later. And like Rad said, even if he does not see the children he has a financial repsonsibility for them.

Having children I understand the importance of thee types of decisions. I generally do not advocate one way or another becuse all our situations are unique in their own right.

Maybe try to take the emotion out of the scenario and look at it. Then do what's in your collective best.

Peace to you,

Seawee

wvartgirl 03/06/2013

Definitely discuss it with your lawyer. I would ask for the child support and make sure your kids don't visit dad if they don't want to. You have the entire legal system on your side and that is Awesome. His child support can be garnished from his wages by the state so you don't have to rely on him writing the check and delivering it.

Also, this is just my two cents: I walked away from an abusive nearly 12 year marriage and settled for $3,000 in a lump sum alimony payment. If your STBX can afford alimony, ask for it, you deserve it.

I am 6+ years out of my abusive marriage. My sociopathic ex has been fired twice from two tenured University positions. He is currently unemployable because of his spotty resume. And he still creates as much chaos as possible as he has some custody time with his 15 year old son. He is still crazy, and blames everything on me. He has tried to poison our son, our friends, our family. Abusers never let go. Do all you can to cut ties with him, but don't let him off the hook financially.

That all being said the other side is this: I struggle in poverty to make ends meet, but...I live my life (mostly) in peace and freedom and to me that is priceless.

Best of luck to you in your new life free from abuse, and thank you for being such an awesome mom. :-)

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