Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Just spent 2 hours arguing with her.
She said she felt threatened when I asserted myself. But she wanted me to learn to assert myself. Just not with her.
When asked why, she responded - sadly, and honestly - that when she hears me assert myself to her, she's afraid that I'm just being selfish, that I haven't thought things through carefully, that I don't consider anyone's needs other than my own, and don't really take any time to consider if what I want is a good thing, morally speaking.
The next hour was more of the same.
She doesn't think I a selfish man, just that I'm being selfish these days - I used to be very generous and giving, and she hopes that when I heal, I'll be that way again. But I'm not selfish.
She doesn't really like who I am these days, and doesn't think I do, either. I'm always sad, and angry, and I don't really want to stay sad and angry forever, do I?
I'm not a bad father, I just would rather win, even if the kids were put at risk by my choice.
I'm a very intelligent man, I'm just not very good at multitasking, so she can't be sure that I'm really considering all the aspects carefully.
I stood my ground, and argued back - she stayed calm and focused throughout. After parroting herself back to her, she even said 'wait - I'm getting confused.'
She told me she wants openness and honesty (but criticizing her is unfairly attacking her), and that we needed to focus on spending pleasant time with each other. Like conversations about what the kids are doing (who she has 6 1/2 days a week) and what we're watching on tv (I don't have cable, and spend my free time online places like here, studying abuse and other relationship theory.) And it frustrates her to see me ignoring her and not paying any attention to the relationship.
I kept my head during the exchange. I told her as I left that I needed her to spend significant time considering who I was right now, and that I was not likely to change back. And that, like a person who is on a diet needs to be aware of the attitudes people around them have towards food, so too did I need to be aware of the attitudes people around me as I rebuild my self-image. And if she wanted to keep being around me, she'd better figure out to have a positive one!
Now crashing in dispair, and tending a few more stripes, naturally. Contepmlating getting a lawyer's info tomorrow. I should have done it the first day I felt God's will was divorce.
She said she felt threatened when I asserted myself. But she wanted me to learn to assert myself. Just not with her.
When asked why, she responded - sadly, and honestly - that when she hears me assert myself to her, she's afraid that I'm just being selfish, that I haven't thought things through carefully, that I don't consider anyone's needs other than my own, and don't really take any time to consider if what I want is a good thing, morally speaking.
The next hour was more of the same.
She doesn't think I a selfish man, just that I'm being selfish these days - I used to be very generous and giving, and she hopes that when I heal, I'll be that way again. But I'm not selfish.
She doesn't really like who I am these days, and doesn't think I do, either. I'm always sad, and angry, and I don't really want to stay sad and angry forever, do I?
I'm not a bad father, I just would rather win, even if the kids were put at risk by my choice.
I'm a very intelligent man, I'm just not very good at multitasking, so she can't be sure that I'm really considering all the aspects carefully.
I stood my ground, and argued back - she stayed calm and focused throughout. After parroting herself back to her, she even said 'wait - I'm getting confused.'
She told me she wants openness and honesty (but criticizing her is unfairly attacking her), and that we needed to focus on spending pleasant time with each other. Like conversations about what the kids are doing (who she has 6 1/2 days a week) and what we're watching on tv (I don't have cable, and spend my free time online places like here, studying abuse and other relationship theory.) And it frustrates her to see me ignoring her and not paying any attention to the relationship.
I kept my head during the exchange. I told her as I left that I needed her to spend significant time considering who I was right now, and that I was not likely to change back. And that, like a person who is on a diet needs to be aware of the attitudes people around them have towards food, so too did I need to be aware of the attitudes people around me as I rebuild my self-image. And if she wanted to keep being around me, she'd better figure out to have a positive one!
Now crashing in dispair, and tending a few more stripes, naturally. Contepmlating getting a lawyer's info tomorrow. I should have done it the first day I felt God's will was divorce.
I don't have the wisdom that the rest of the people (including you) on this board have so i will leave the advice up to them, but please know that I get it. I live it too....and I know how crazy it is.
I am going to the lawyer tomorrow...
I got the info and did a consult in April and although initially I was told there would be a small consult fee, there was not. Most lawyers do not truly charge a consult fee in a real situation.
Go and get the info and then think about what you want to do. Then if it t takes nearly 6 months (as I did) to figure out if you want to take another step---that is okay too.... it does give a sense of empowerment to get the info.
Last night she offered me everything I've been asking for. A heartfelt apology, undoing the lies, setting the record stright, offering to talk to the hotline, start the process of learning to stop abusing.
It's either a massive change of heart and a miracle, or a graceful swandive into the honeymoon phase. I think I scared her. Made her realize that this course of action will result in her losing me. So the answer is a new course of action - and the two look exactly the same to the outside eye. I'm praying that if it is a trap, she tips her hand early enough that I don't let my guard down.
The truth was harsh and it is unbelievable to me that a person can show total lack of concern of interest in the person that they married......It is the most bizarre concept I have been part of....
I hope she shows you something different. I hope she sees the value of you as a person and can be respectful, kind, compassionate to you as an individual and to the both of you that made you a couple from the beginning....
It is so sad when people don't look beyond the immediate of self....
I feel like I'm approaching endgame.
She did talk to the folks at the hotline. She invited me to have a mutual conversation with them sometime. I'd be willing to, provided that they're used to spotting abusers. If anyone is, they should be.
She hasn't tried to apologize at all. I told myself I'd look into divorce if she tried to hook me with the apology. Didn't consider what no apology would mean.
The last couple of days have been a combination of the silent treatment, and 'I feel you're really defensive right now, and it's making me uncomfortable. Can I help?' Which is kind of triggering a little alarm somewhere, but I'm enjoying the silent treatment too much to worry about it.
I also know that divorce will get hairy - especially around the child care. I'm the only one who works, she takes care of the kids (and half the neighborhood kids) all day. I bring home the bacon, she eats it - metaphorically speaking. Had a friend advise me to make sure to consider how tired she is of putting the kids to bed and getting them up all by herself. I responded - in a bit of heat - "Well, if she didn't want to run the risk of living the life of a single mother, she should have considered that more carefully BEFORE working so hard to make me her puppet." "Come on - her puppet?" "She had her hand so far up my backside, she could twiddle her fingers and tickle the back of my eyeballs!"
Some people just don't get how complete and destructive the personality erasing process can be.
Started rehearsals for a new show, focusing on what kind of person I actually am. Focusing on new, fragile friendships. Trying not to get mired in grief that there's just no way of fixing the ones that are gone. Somewhere, there are more people who are capable of being just as kind and supportive and loving. And I'll know who to portect them from when and if I do find them.
Gah - also, I'M trying to notice when I am erasing myself from my own writing and speaking styles. "I started rehearsals for a new show. I'M focusing on new, fragile, relationships. I'M trying not to. get mired down..." Little details make big results.