Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Snooping on another site and confiscated this Probably has been posted before, but new folks might appreciate. .I personally find it very helpful. It dawned on me that even if he didn't abuse me he did not have "my back" and he certainly wasn't "on my team." See ya.....I miss the concept but I don't miss him.
Below is an excerpt from Lundy Bancroft's book, "Should I Stay or Should I Go" on what a healthy relationship looks like. Does any of this sound like what you have?
"If you expect to be well treated in a relationship, we're behind you 100 percent. Don't ever let anyone tell you that women have to settle for less. But good treatment doesn't mean being constantly catered to, and even the best relationship won't meet all of your needs. So what exactly is the bottom line? How much should you insist on? Here are the key elements:
* You must be treated with respect. No partner should call you names, make fun of you, roll his eyes at you in an argument, humiliate you, or mock you. Period. It doesn't matter if he's had a bad day or a bad decade, if he's drunk, if he's under tremendous financial stress, if he's furious at your, or if he feels that YOU were disrespecting HIM. There's simply no excuse for disrespect. There's always another option.
* You must feel safe. You should never have to worry that your partner will hurt you physically or sexually. If he behaves in ways that make you feel that an assault might be coming - even if it never actually does - or if he behaves in ways that lead you to have sexual contact with him that you don't want, you are not in a safe relationship. Safety can also disappear if you have to be concerned that he might cause you serious harm in ways that are not physical or sexual, such as if he threatens to reveal important secrets, tries to deliberately cause you financial harm, says he will take custody of the children away from you, or exhibits other kinds of cruelty.
* You should feel loved the great majority of the time. Every relationships has its periods when everything seems to turn into a squabble or where distance and disconnection take over and passion fades. But these times should be the exception, not the rule. And even during hard times, your partner should be capable of finding ways to get the message across to you that you are valued and appreciated. Although he might not be able to literally say, "I'm mad at you but I still love you," that message should come across. If the times when you feel loved are few and far between and if your partner completely changes his attitude toward you anytime things aren't going his way, you deserve better.
* Your relationship should create far more possibilities than it take away. Being involved in an intimate partnership requires some sacrifices on the part of both partners. (And even more if you have children.) But the relationship should also open many doors. For example, your partner's love and support should make it easier for you to take on new challenges in your life. The two of you should be encouraging each other to pursue your deepest dreams. The sharing of financial resources should put you in a more solid position than you were as a single person. Being there for each other should make raising children more fun. You should each be a source of new acquaintances and social connections for the other. In short, ask yourself, "Is my relationship broadening my horizons, or is it narrowing them?" You have a right to expect it to be the former, not the latter.
* You should have passion and intimacy. Not everyone craves physical passion and sexuality, but most people do, and if these matter to you, you have the right to expect them to be a lively part of your primary relationship. Partners who care about each other and are committed to their connection can find ways to keep sexual energy and excitement kindled year after year. The notion that the passing of time inevitably makes a man lose his desire for a woman is false, a product of immature views of relationships and sexuality. Equally false is the view that monogamy deadens sexual energy and that infidelity is the only way to keep passion alive. If you want a sexy, faithful relationship, you are only asking for what you have every right to expect.
* You should feel seen. Consider these questions. Does your partner really know you? Does he like you? (It's possible to feel that your partner loves you but doesn't really like you.) Does he understand your dreams and ambitions? Does he grasp what your deepest loves are - whether those are people, or places, or hobbies? Do you feel that he's on your team in life, that he's got your back? Does he value what you give to the world? Is he a good friend to you?
As you read through this list, you may be thinking, "Oh, I couldn't possibly find a partner with whom I could have all that." But this list describes the minimum a relationship should have, not pie in the sky. Expecting too little can keep you trapped in an unhealthy relationship. You will tend to keep second-guessing yourself, feeling that you are to blame for having unreasonable desires.
Expecting the movie romance can also be a trap. It can lead you to under-value the decent, responsible guy, and overvalue the destructive one; ironically, the least healthy partners are often the ones who can be the most dazzling and charming early in a relationship, and who can best convince you that Prince Charming has come."
http://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can---Should- -be/dp/042523889X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1362449998& sr=1-1&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+lundy+bancroft
Below is an excerpt from Lundy Bancroft's book, "Should I Stay or Should I Go" on what a healthy relationship looks like. Does any of this sound like what you have?
"If you expect to be well treated in a relationship, we're behind you 100 percent. Don't ever let anyone tell you that women have to settle for less. But good treatment doesn't mean being constantly catered to, and even the best relationship won't meet all of your needs. So what exactly is the bottom line? How much should you insist on? Here are the key elements:
* You must be treated with respect. No partner should call you names, make fun of you, roll his eyes at you in an argument, humiliate you, or mock you. Period. It doesn't matter if he's had a bad day or a bad decade, if he's drunk, if he's under tremendous financial stress, if he's furious at your, or if he feels that YOU were disrespecting HIM. There's simply no excuse for disrespect. There's always another option.
* You must feel safe. You should never have to worry that your partner will hurt you physically or sexually. If he behaves in ways that make you feel that an assault might be coming - even if it never actually does - or if he behaves in ways that lead you to have sexual contact with him that you don't want, you are not in a safe relationship. Safety can also disappear if you have to be concerned that he might cause you serious harm in ways that are not physical or sexual, such as if he threatens to reveal important secrets, tries to deliberately cause you financial harm, says he will take custody of the children away from you, or exhibits other kinds of cruelty.
* You should feel loved the great majority of the time. Every relationships has its periods when everything seems to turn into a squabble or where distance and disconnection take over and passion fades. But these times should be the exception, not the rule. And even during hard times, your partner should be capable of finding ways to get the message across to you that you are valued and appreciated. Although he might not be able to literally say, "I'm mad at you but I still love you," that message should come across. If the times when you feel loved are few and far between and if your partner completely changes his attitude toward you anytime things aren't going his way, you deserve better.
* Your relationship should create far more possibilities than it take away. Being involved in an intimate partnership requires some sacrifices on the part of both partners. (And even more if you have children.) But the relationship should also open many doors. For example, your partner's love and support should make it easier for you to take on new challenges in your life. The two of you should be encouraging each other to pursue your deepest dreams. The sharing of financial resources should put you in a more solid position than you were as a single person. Being there for each other should make raising children more fun. You should each be a source of new acquaintances and social connections for the other. In short, ask yourself, "Is my relationship broadening my horizons, or is it narrowing them?" You have a right to expect it to be the former, not the latter.
* You should have passion and intimacy. Not everyone craves physical passion and sexuality, but most people do, and if these matter to you, you have the right to expect them to be a lively part of your primary relationship. Partners who care about each other and are committed to their connection can find ways to keep sexual energy and excitement kindled year after year. The notion that the passing of time inevitably makes a man lose his desire for a woman is false, a product of immature views of relationships and sexuality. Equally false is the view that monogamy deadens sexual energy and that infidelity is the only way to keep passion alive. If you want a sexy, faithful relationship, you are only asking for what you have every right to expect.
* You should feel seen. Consider these questions. Does your partner really know you? Does he like you? (It's possible to feel that your partner loves you but doesn't really like you.) Does he understand your dreams and ambitions? Does he grasp what your deepest loves are - whether those are people, or places, or hobbies? Do you feel that he's on your team in life, that he's got your back? Does he value what you give to the world? Is he a good friend to you?
As you read through this list, you may be thinking, "Oh, I couldn't possibly find a partner with whom I could have all that." But this list describes the minimum a relationship should have, not pie in the sky. Expecting too little can keep you trapped in an unhealthy relationship. You will tend to keep second-guessing yourself, feeling that you are to blame for having unreasonable desires.
Expecting the movie romance can also be a trap. It can lead you to under-value the decent, responsible guy, and overvalue the destructive one; ironically, the least healthy partners are often the ones who can be the most dazzling and charming early in a relationship, and who can best convince you that Prince Charming has come."
http://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can---Should- -be/dp/042523889X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1362449998& sr=1-1&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+lundy+bancroft
Thanks and hugs xx
The limiting feeling and the feeling that she doesn't even like who I am really hit home the most. Ouch.
I realize in hindsight that I was conditioned to lower the bar again and again.
Glad to know all this the second time around.
That's simply not tolerable. We all deserve what's listed and much more!! While I'm am sad that I had to find this site, at the same time I am happy and relieved. And I'm so glad that most of us on here were able or are working to get out of our icky, sick, twisted relationships.
Let's all raise our bars.