Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm having a really rough time lately. Stress seems to be getting to me and it seems to be triggering my PTSD more frequently/intensely than usual. (If you're wondering why I'm posting this here instead of in the PTSD support group, it's because my PTSD relates mostly to the abuse I've been through.)
This subject is a bit difficult for me to talk or write about though, since thinking about it can trigger stabbing pains in my head and bouts of dizziness. So bear with me if any of this starts to get a little difficult to follow. My journal entries cover a good deal of back story if you need to know.
Anyways, I'm going through another rough patch lately. I'm a little uncomfortable being near or interacting with women (due to the issues I've been writing about in my journal), and feminists are one of the bigger triggers for me.
I don't have anything against feminists. I agree with the belief that there needs to be gender equality. It's just that feminists just happen to make me feel particularly like I'll be attacked or verbally/emotionally abused simply for existing and being male.
Stress from finals in college and job hunting has been triggering my PTSD and one of the subjects forced into my mind by flashbacks and anxiety are about all the feminists who are so hostile towards men.
It makes me feel on edge and defenseless when these thoughts force themselves into my head. At times it can manifest as that feeling of dread that an abuser is about to pounce on you, except that vibe is coming from half the people around you when you're in public.
Doesn't matter how illogical the fear is in the rational part of my mind, because it's what I've come to expect as a real possibility based on so many past interactions with women while growing up. There's always that fear that women can abuse me and their actions would be deemed "acceptable" by society. Especially with all of the laws and social norms that are biased against men.
I just feel like some random woman I pass could turn out to be another hateful/abusive individual and start attacking me over any number of random trivial reasons, and there wouldn't be anything I could do to defend myself.
I'm not sure if my ramblings are even going to make sense to anyone here. Like I said before, my head is kind of a mess right now. I'll try to post more on this and clarify things once my head has cleared up some more again.
This subject is a bit difficult for me to talk or write about though, since thinking about it can trigger stabbing pains in my head and bouts of dizziness. So bear with me if any of this starts to get a little difficult to follow. My journal entries cover a good deal of back story if you need to know.
Anyways, I'm going through another rough patch lately. I'm a little uncomfortable being near or interacting with women (due to the issues I've been writing about in my journal), and feminists are one of the bigger triggers for me.
I don't have anything against feminists. I agree with the belief that there needs to be gender equality. It's just that feminists just happen to make me feel particularly like I'll be attacked or verbally/emotionally abused simply for existing and being male.
Stress from finals in college and job hunting has been triggering my PTSD and one of the subjects forced into my mind by flashbacks and anxiety are about all the feminists who are so hostile towards men.
It makes me feel on edge and defenseless when these thoughts force themselves into my head. At times it can manifest as that feeling of dread that an abuser is about to pounce on you, except that vibe is coming from half the people around you when you're in public.
Doesn't matter how illogical the fear is in the rational part of my mind, because it's what I've come to expect as a real possibility based on so many past interactions with women while growing up. There's always that fear that women can abuse me and their actions would be deemed "acceptable" by society. Especially with all of the laws and social norms that are biased against men.
I just feel like some random woman I pass could turn out to be another hateful/abusive individual and start attacking me over any number of random trivial reasons, and there wouldn't be anything I could do to defend myself.
I'm not sure if my ramblings are even going to make sense to anyone here. Like I said before, my head is kind of a mess right now. I'll try to post more on this and clarify things once my head has cleared up some more again.
I`d just like to say that I think I get where you are coming from. I am a woman, and my abuse has been from both men and women. I am a person who believes that abusers and victims can be found within any gender or cultural group, and in any possible combination of people from those groups.
I certainly do not support the promotion of genders or groups with a view to making certain ones have unfair advantages with regard to laws, etc. The way I see it is, people can be abusive to other people, and that`s it. That`s the truth, whether society likes it or not.
I can understand any wariness that is due to past experience. I have had the same sometimes over both men and women, and may I say that destructive feminism scares me too. I have had some pretty scary female bosses and authority figures, whom I was glad to behave the complete opposite to during a stint as a boss myself.
What is really admirable is that you are aware of your feelings and how they affect you, and that you are coming to a place like this for help and speaking out. I do hope you find what you need here.
Hope your head clears soon! Hugs xxx
I would really like to eventually overcome this problem of mine and be able to meet and date someone who won't turn out to be an abuser. Unfortunately, there are just so many fears that I would need to overcome for that to happen.
Part of the reason I feel so on the defensive around women is that there are so many risks to watch out for due to some of the more aggressive feminists out there. There are all sorts of absurd laws that they are able to abuse men with.
The fact that I don't often hear or read about those types of laws being used isn't much comfort either, since there is still the knowledge that those laws exist and are sometimes used to abuse men.
Is there a "safe" environment in which you can socialize with women, but maintain boundaries? Such as a volunteer organization, church group, etc? Something in which you wouldn't be expected to procure a "date" but just ease back into being able to learn to trust again?
Be gentle with yourself.
Ehope
At present I guess the only real "safe" environment I have to go to are the meetings of an animation club on campus that I joined. The group is usually fairly small in size and only meets for 2 hours each week though.
You didn't explain what you meant by that. I don't pretend to know your entire situation but the above seems, I don't know, a bit dramatic?
Everything you describe is a classic pressure-cooker situation: a very anxious, very persecuted person that, given the right set of circumstances, is rife to explode, and not in a good way. I find much of what you've shared very worrisome. When people that feel that they have nothing to lose, they sometimes do dangerous and desperate acts.
I say all the above with the highest respect to your experiences. You really need to make it a priority to see a psychiatrist or at least a therapist. You don't want to be that person that gets overwhelmed with life and carries a gun into work or some other terrible act. If you think you have problems now, you have no idea how bad "bad" can be.
You mentioned that your brother has autism. You also stated that people shunned you in high school. I suspect from what you shared that you also have autism-spectrum qualities as well. The inability to accurately read people's non-verbal cues is one of those qualities, which is why you were often confused by responses from others. Kids are cruel and they instinctively pick up on the slightest weakness and pounce. My gut tells me this could be part of what you are experiencing.
But, you can't do this one alone. And while we can be supportive on online sites such as this and give constructive feedback and advice, it's still not a substitute for professional help.
Everyone deserves to be understood and be loved. There is no reason you can't reach that level of peace, but you have to be willing to take the first step.
If I were living someplace on my own (so I could keep visits to therapists/doctors a secret from my family) and had enough income to afford it I would be seeing a therapist. Unfortunately, I am not yet in a situation where that is feasible. Hopefully my situation will improve enough that it will be feasible in the near future, but until then I need to do what I can to keep my mind healthy.
Right now though, my focus is on getting what support I can here and keeping it together until I am able to safely get therapy and treatment.
The other night, my GF was speaking of a friend who is getting divorced. She advised this "friend" to just go out and find a guy to sleep with. The underlying implication was that men are okay with casual sex, so it should be fine for this woman to do this. I reminded my GF, that men want committed relationships, too, and draw meaning from sex, and if this woman went out and just found a guy because she was horny and never saw him again, she may very well be hurting a good person. I felt weird having to explain this, because of the numerous times my GF has complained of previous men/boyfriends using her just for sex. A double standard.
But keep in mind, these are just a stereotypes, and the vast majority of men and women are good people with good values. And not all "feminists" are out to get you. I really hope you can get to see a therapist soon, because these are the kinds of issues a therapist is uniquely qualified to help you with.
I don't know how this is going to play out with them.
The ultimate resolution of this situation is one likely that neither you, your mother nor brother will like. But guess what? We don't always get what we want. We learned this unfortunate rule of the universe in kindergarten. If he stays with your parents, at some point social services will likely become involved and he will be deemed an adult or child at risk. If he lives with you, you are likely to become even more emotionally drained and unhappy than you are already. And if social services becomes involved, your mother is likely to be outed and held to task as the emotional abuser that you have described. I'm honestly sorry to tell you this.
I noted that you have not commented much on your own personal challenges, and that you are very externally focused. But I will say that I have often found that people are likely to say that they are categorically unable to do something when it's not so much that they can't, but won't, for whatever reason. As a wise person said, "if you do what you always do, you'll get what you've always got."
This doesn't mean that we deserve what we are getting, but simply that we haven't realized that the pain of staying in the same situation is greater than the pain of change.
I wish you peace and happiness.
Ehope