The only way to stop what he is doing is to block him from your phone or change your number and not give it to him.

Its normal to be upset about leaving and him trying to suck you back in. It's also normal to worry that he will be the husband you wanted w/someone else. It's not gonna happen. They don't change. IF he was to be the husband you always wanted, he would be that husband NOW.

Please stop torturing yourself. As sucky as it sounds, it's important to let yourself grieve the loss of your marriage, your dreams for the future and even him in terms of what you had thought &/or hoped he was. Allow yourself to honor and feel your feelings. It's the only way to heal.

It's also crucial that you practice extreme self care. Take good care of you. And please consider getting counseling with a therapist who specializes in recovery from abuse & trauma.

I just dont understand why it hurts so much to lose him even after everything horrible that he did to me.

The reason breaking up
a relationship, even an
abusive relationship
hurts so much is because
our biology evolved to
ensure that we stay
bonded in a relationship,
EVEN if that relationship
ends up hurting us and
the children produced
from that relationship.

The part of the brain that
makes us feel good in the
early weeks of attachment
keeps sending us messages
to stay bonded ---- even when
staying bonded ends up
hurting us and any children
produced in that relationship.

But therapy and other
supportive resources
can help.

Not all counselors are
equally qualified. Just
like a medical doctor,
therapists have different
specialties. To deal with
breaking up and recovering
from an abusive relatiohship,
a counselor qualified in this
specialty will provide the
most effective help or
alternatively, a therapist
who specializes in
recovery from
post traumatic stress
(which includes
loss and extreme
grief), will probably
be the most likely
source of support.

More than likely its because of the trauma inflicted upon during the relationship. They know how to push certain buttons to elicit a certain response from us that creates longing, shame and/or guilt. And what you put in your OP is a perfect example (i.e. that you will have regrets). I remember the ex telling me he had talked to my family and they supposedly told him that they thought I was making a mistake by leaving him. That cut me to the quick, even tho I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my family would not have said that.

Another reason you are feeling this way could be due to trauma bonding and/or relationship addiction. I have recently learned about both in my training and it has occurred to me that being in an abusive relationship can actually contribute to a relationship addiction. I'm thinking about typing up a check list for both trauma bonding and relationship addictions. I wish there was a way to scan and post here.

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful. I remember feeling the same way. I also remember wondering if it was me and if he would treat someone else differently. I can tell you that I know for sure that it wasn't me and he hasn't treated others differently.

This is the worst feeling ever. I just want to be happy but I am so afraid of regrets.

I too have been emotionally manipulated.

I suppose the good news in my case is that he's given up on trying to get me back. In fact, he barely tried since he couldn't stand the possibility of more rejection.

But so what if your soon to be ex says he's changed? Too late. And when we look objectively at what he's telling you now, he hasn't changed and is not the catch you want or deserve. He already has the pattern in place to take you for granted. It's part of that cycle of abuse, remember? Where he does whatever he must to reconcile, then there's a honeymoon, then the awful parts return just when you were feeling good.

I'm recommending to you, as I'm recommending to me, to wish him the best in life and let go. You got to this point for a reason. Ignore his threats and begging. He'll find someone that will twist into a pretzel and lose herself. This is not what we want or deserve.

He will treat his "wife" exactly the way he treats you. I wanted my ex to find someone to remove his focus from me.

You're mourning the dream of growing old together and happily ever after. He's not capable to participating in that dream with you or anyone else.

I agree counseling is a good idea. I wouldn't be where I am today without the help of my psychologist.

no contact!

You know what else may help you, I don't mean to sound disgusting or anything but once your ok with knowing he will be with another woman, and get past that, you will probably lose interest. That's what I did. I came to terms that he is going to eventually be with another woman, that's how this all eventually plays out, they start looking for new supply. So, even if you stay I wouldn't put it past him to be looking for something new. They can't be alone, so while your doing separate counseling, he will probably go out looking knowing you will come back. I know it sounds bad but that is how these low lives think, and it usually plays out.

Mine kept threatening me telling me he is going to start going out and meeting new women, that's when I knew he wasn't lying, he was on his way to cheating, and I'm just not gonna be with a cheater, especially one that hits me.

I gather this from his comment of one day your gonna realize what you lost after it's gone. lol. I think you already know.

Gosh you deserve so much better. I'm sorry your going through this I know.

Trust me, there are better men out there! Also, with your intelligence, compassion, strength, insight you can provide yourself with more than he ever could, he'll just suck the life and potential right out of you-because everything is about him-and the second you do or think or have anything of worth that will be threatening to him as the superior creature he is (in his own mind) and he'll find a way to undermine it, and deflate it and sabotage it. There is no equality in a relationship with an abuser because if you are intelligent, or talented, or capable, whatever you are they think you BOTH can't be those things, and to them it means they are not any of those things-it's black and white to them-you or them-no shades of gray.

Regarding regrets.....I wasted 15 years of my life, then another 6 dealing with abuse after my divorce because we shared a daughter. The best years of my life trying to make him happy, make him stop, be good enough, negotiate, placate, pacify, be supportive enough, patient enough, caring enough, say the right thing, rationalize with him, waiting, hoping, believing, repressing anger, sacrificing, fearful, anxious, not sleeping, feeling numb, feeling desperate, waiting for the other shoe to drop, watching for signs, feeling ashamed, feeling guilty, and so many other things I can't think of right now.

I regret the heck out of all that time, all that wasted effort, wasted energy. I can't get that time back-that is permanent loss. And on top of it I should have known better-I tried to leave several times, and after that resolved myself to my lot-also completely unnecessary on my part. After years, and years and years of effort and work I put into that relationship-I can't think of anyone I dislike enough to fix him up with-otherwise I would so he might leave me alone once and for all. Those are the regrets you'll have to look forward to if you go back. How to those compare to the regrets you'll have if you don't go back?

and I'd like to add to Can74deals comments, which were very spot on, I must say, you also have to think of the years you'll spending recovering. The longer you stay the harder it will be for you to recover.
Spending 15 years and then 6 as cant74deal said does seem like so much time to waste when you don't have to. I too wasted 10 in my first, 3 and my 2nd and this one was 2 so I'm getting better. lol.

But seriously, your post says your 33, you have got so much life ahead of you. And don't think there is no end in sight. I'm not gonna tell you there are plenty of men out there who will want you, because really who cares, we have to protect ourselves and each other from these beasts who prey on our good nature. And "who cares" because being in a relationship with a man doesn't define us as women. We are too dependent on them if we are allowing them to consume our lives as they do.

Briefly, what I put up with on a daily basis was all too consuming. I had to be readily available to him exhausting all my energies because he wanted every ounce of my attention. I couldn't even really pay attention to my own kids, he got in the middle, in the way. My cellphone had to be answered within 3 rings, i had to answer every text, I remember I was at a job interview and he kept calling and I had forgotten to turn off my phone, I was almost done with the interview and I was certain I had gotten it until I answered the phone all i could hear, and I'm sure the interviewer could hear it too was, HOW COME YOU DIDN'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE" yelling at me as if I had a timecard to punch for him, needless to say I didn't get that job, and I lost another job for him calling me and harrassing me at that place. I had to be there for his family whenever they called It wasn't a good idea to ignore them, I stood my ground so much, that I felt like I was fighting an army. I was the only one fighting for myself. And why all in the name of what I thought was love????

That's not love, that's control, manipulation and any woman that would fight against that is a bitch. That's what they want you to believe. Mine called me one every time we had a fight cuz I stood my ground. Now he is begging and groveling to come back to me. I say 'TOO LITTLE TOO LATE' and it won't matter because he'll be back to calling me a bitch again soon, it's jekyl/hyde personality. Really back and forth and ass backwards if you ask me.

So really think about what you are subjecting yourself too. I had Deli tell me so many times, her persistence pissed me off but she was right the whole time, she saw through all my bs, it took someone strong like her to really pound it in my head.

And I am hoping we don't have to go that route with you. lol. But we will be here for you this is a great community of very strong women. We are strong because we got out, and we know what your struggle is, just keep coming back, if your anything like me all these words written here are gonna ring true in your head, I went back and read over and over and over again what people were telling me and I was like, No they don't know him like I do, they are all the same their not really any different. An abuser is an abuser. If a man hits a woman, treats her with no respect, calls her names, puts her down, expects things from her more than what she can do like going above and beyond, it's abuse. You need to get out and stay out, it's the only way your going to recover. It may take some time, but I would rather take 6 months than live in this hell for the rest of my life. It never ends, trust me.

Thank you everyone... I am not considering taking him back, I just need to work on being able to let go.

I know when you have kids it is harder to go No Contact. What I did eventually is have all communication go through email through my parents. At first me ex was happy to do it-because he thought it would be an opportunity to make me look bad and get my parents on his side-which he totally tried. Then his really nasty emails he'd still send to me alone. I just forwarded those puppies to my parents as well. It actually got me more support because they saw for the first time what I was dealing with.

You are mourning, you have a heart and it's been broken. What you are going through is normal, and it's okay, and it takes time to heal. There is nothing wrong with you because you have these worries and difficulties. There is no time frame for healing, it's an individual process. What helped me is remembering why I was doing what I was doing, and remembering what brought me there. And taking care of myself.

I really like what rainbow69 said too

Totally understandable ......but.....DO NOT LET HIM SET THE HOOK! Stay strong...