Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Last night I went over to my ex H's family for dinner. We will call my ExH Sicko for right now.
Ok well I get there with my children, I haven't been there for several years, because of the hatred I feel for sicko. Well I sit down to eat, and my ex in laws came and asked me if I wanted to talk to sicko, so I agreed. I was nervous as heck, my palms end up sweating, my heart was racing, but as soon as I heard his voice, I was calm as could be.
All these strange thoughts went through my head as to what I was going to say to him before I talked to him. I was going to say every hateful thing in the world to him, but strangely I didn't. I talked of what the children were doing, and just filled him in on everything.
I still yet feel hate for this man for what he did to my daughter, all those years ago.
So as I was talking to him, I told him, you still sound the same, I don't know what he looks like, but I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't talk to him anymore, because all of a sudden I was going to share with him what My oldest daughter was doing, but she wants him dead. So I said I have to go now, and handed the phone to my middle daughter and she talked to him.
It was very difficult for me to leave, because I left my children there to camp. It was the first time in there life I left them there with my ex in laws. And I was very nervous, about it, I told my son please watch your sister, and don't let her out of your sight.
I have so many feeling locked inside me from this man, and all that he put my family through. My daughter is still yet going through a lot from the sex abuse she went through. I still yet have a lot to heal from my abuse from him. But I wanted to run out of there so fast, but I didn't I stayed and ate, and visited and caught up with my ex in laws, we laughed and enjoyed each others company.
Somehow I believe this is a step to healing for me and my children. I hope one day My oldest daughter would be able to confront him and get all the garbage she holds in her soul out. I hope that she faces her fears that still stay in her mind, and finds a peace that passes all understanding.
As for me I just went home and lay down and cried, and prayed for understanding, because my feelings weren't what I thought. There was so much I wanted to ask him, so many questions I needed answered, but because I was at his families house, I couldn't say anything.
I go to pick them up at 6 tonight. Just one night is enough for me. I can't leave them there too long. I would just go insane. But I hope they enjoy there evening with there dad's side of the family.
Letting my apron strings go, and letting some of that control go is very hard for me. I have protected and almost smothered my children so long, that I think emotionally I have hurt them. So last night was very difficult for me.
But the food was delicious!!!!!
Ok well I get there with my children, I haven't been there for several years, because of the hatred I feel for sicko. Well I sit down to eat, and my ex in laws came and asked me if I wanted to talk to sicko, so I agreed. I was nervous as heck, my palms end up sweating, my heart was racing, but as soon as I heard his voice, I was calm as could be.
All these strange thoughts went through my head as to what I was going to say to him before I talked to him. I was going to say every hateful thing in the world to him, but strangely I didn't. I talked of what the children were doing, and just filled him in on everything.
I still yet feel hate for this man for what he did to my daughter, all those years ago.
So as I was talking to him, I told him, you still sound the same, I don't know what he looks like, but I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't talk to him anymore, because all of a sudden I was going to share with him what My oldest daughter was doing, but she wants him dead. So I said I have to go now, and handed the phone to my middle daughter and she talked to him.
It was very difficult for me to leave, because I left my children there to camp. It was the first time in there life I left them there with my ex in laws. And I was very nervous, about it, I told my son please watch your sister, and don't let her out of your sight.
I have so many feeling locked inside me from this man, and all that he put my family through. My daughter is still yet going through a lot from the sex abuse she went through. I still yet have a lot to heal from my abuse from him. But I wanted to run out of there so fast, but I didn't I stayed and ate, and visited and caught up with my ex in laws, we laughed and enjoyed each others company.
Somehow I believe this is a step to healing for me and my children. I hope one day My oldest daughter would be able to confront him and get all the garbage she holds in her soul out. I hope that she faces her fears that still stay in her mind, and finds a peace that passes all understanding.
As for me I just went home and lay down and cried, and prayed for understanding, because my feelings weren't what I thought. There was so much I wanted to ask him, so many questions I needed answered, but because I was at his families house, I couldn't say anything.
I go to pick them up at 6 tonight. Just one night is enough for me. I can't leave them there too long. I would just go insane. But I hope they enjoy there evening with there dad's side of the family.
Letting my apron strings go, and letting some of that control go is very hard for me. I have protected and almost smothered my children so long, that I think emotionally I have hurt them. So last night was very difficult for me.
But the food was delicious!!!!!
The whole thing must have been horribly draining. I am so happy that things went as good as could be expected, or even better. I think you are right. This could be a huge step in healing.
I congratulate you, on a job well done.
sending support and hugs!!!!
It was emotionally draining @ gem. There was a release of some sort that I can't explain. Maybe its the fact that I have been taking care of them all these years by myself, and I may actually get some help from his family. Maybe I am dreaming or have that illusion, but one can hope right.
@ radrm I am sure they are going to be safe with there uncles. It wasn't there fault there brother was a sicko. Yeah and maybe he will start financially taking responsibility for his children. haha! that has to definately be an illusion.
How'd they do? Did they have fun? :)
Let the courts make him take care of his financial responsibilities...they can garnish his wages or toss him in jail for failure to pay.
This man sexually assaulted your daughter. Their granddaughter. The fact that they are trying to get you involved in their game to whitewash this is, IMHO, disgusting.
If i was your daughter, i'd be doubting your loyalty towards me right about now...
None of this sounds good to me, is all. Just sayin'...
GL!
just his brothers and there families are there are at the dinner. His parents live in mexico.
I understand where the anger is coming from. If all was right in my world and things were not so complicated in my world, I would feel the same way.
Except you see, my daughter who is 18 now, it was her and her siblings wish that they be in contact with there uncles. I fought 7 yrs to not have this happen, but my son is now 15, and my daughter is 12. I have told them of there fathers crime, and I talked with the uncles, and I have made peace with them and continue to set boundaries.
This is the first time in 7 years that I have made contact with them. I believe with all my heart that they now believe my daughters story.
There was a time when I thought this was not going to happen at all. I fought against it, and dug my heels in.
But my daughter, she is a survivor of a different sort. *big smile* she has a bigger heart and a more forgiving heart than me. It was her wish that they talk to there other side of the family. She arranged it all on her own, without my input and told me in no uncertain terms that my children need to know there fathers side of the family. And last year it was her that took them over there. *proud mama* She told me "mom, I am doing this for them, they need to know there uncles, I am just as afraid as you are, but I see them hurting and wanting to see there uncles and I talk to my uncles and aunties yet, and my cousins and they want to see us, even though you think you are doing right mom, I think its wrong and tonight I am taking my brother and sister over to see there family whether you like it or not. I see them crying for there uncles, and I can't take it anymore"
I was sitting in my room crying when they left, I worried that whole night, I took my self into the kitchen and begin to cook and clean. that is my grounding there in the kitchen. When they returned, my kids had this smile on there face, and the laughter that came out of there heart, not guts I say heart. because every mother knows what I am talking about. My daughter was quiet and smiling, but I could see the torment in her, I just enjoyed my middle childrens happiness for the moment and so did she. But I could still see she was tormented inside. I waited until my middle children settled into there own lil worlds then I went to her and held her hand and hugged her to me and wanted to tell her I told her so, but I didn't. I just sat and held her, she told me of all the things that bothered her and said she was never so happy to see her siblings happy, but it retraumatized her, I was so sad that she had to endure it, I was so sad that she put herself through such pain. But it was her choice, and as stubborn as my daughter is when she says she is going to do something, there is no stopping her, and especially because she considers my children hers because she raised them, with me, during the abuse. She has say over them she believes.
My world is different from others, any one in abuse knows this. Your children are not yours, they belong to them, they belong to the abuser. The eldest usually becomes the caretaker of the the younger ones, the second mother. Because the spouse, me I became his slave, I had to run around him all day and night and tend to him while my daughter was taking care and protecting her younger siblings. So from 6 years old until she was 18 she took care of her younger siblings. He was put in jail when she was 11, but I had a hard time getting her to see I was there mother and she could trust me with them.
She now lives 100 miles away from me. She has a wonderful man, and is becoming a beautiful young lady always has been.
She was happy that they got to see there uncles. She still has a long way to go, abuse has made her who she is today and will always be there. I have tried to get her to talk about her abuse, but she refuses, said she is tired of talking about it. She got that hollywood syndrome, where everyone wanted her to tell her story and she would, and was in front of cameras, in newspapers, and always in front of audiences, and she just got tired of it. So other than when she is going through a bad time, she hardly talks of it.
But I truly believe what I did was right and it was very hard to talk to the man that has caused us so much pain, It was very hard not to spew venom into his ears, but I maintained a normal tone with him.
So yeah like I said if all was right in my world, my children would have lived in abuse free worlds. But I live in a complicated world and where my children are concerned there safety is my first priority, but I have to let go sometimes and let them spread there wings, and see if they can fly. I believe I have raised them enough to where they can fly back to my nest of safety and they know it.
They came back home last night and I heard that same heartfelt laughter again, it warmed my heart and made me happy to see happiness in them.
I still have a lot of demons to chase out of my closet. I believe that through out life we only can try and fail, or try and succeed. If we try and fail, then we have learned a lesson. If we try and succeed we are on a new journey. Right now am unsure of the journey I am taking, but each day, I try, fail or succeed, I am trying. My children are very amazing people, they are so resilient and such teachers to me.
I'm sure each of us has people like this in our lives. I hope I shed some light on why I made the decisions I made. Each of us would probably go about it a different way, and I am sure what I am doing is right for me.
so thank you all for your input and support, it means the world to me. Without you all here on this board, I would have surely been 6 feet under, because when I came here, I was desperately seeking help for me and my daughter. I didn't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Now I see light. Thank you.
I somehow knew there was a lot more to your story.
It was nice you shared it with us and I am so happy everything went well, at least for the middle kids.
Your oldest must truly be awesome.
You did a terrific job with them!!!
sending support and hugs, for you and your kids!!!!
I didn't have that much hope 3 yrs back. I thought for sure she was going to end up in jail or prison with how angry she was. But she is taking a good road now. I am really relieved.
Because one of my close friends went through the similar thing. two of her children are in prison now for murder. I am so sorry she has to endure this with her children, that she has lost her children to the system. But I see that she is a survivor also. And I hope that they take this opportunity to heal and turn there lives around and don't continue to be institutionalized by the system.