If you figure it out, I would love to know. My X did the same thing, but then he was abusive and an alcoholic. He once told me though, that when I got too close, he always felt like pushing back. Like what I was doing for him wasn't real, or that he didn't deserve it.
I'm curious, how are you if she has a bad day or is bitchy to you for no apparent reason? Do you take it on the chin too?

She has told me everything from I was very supportive to not supportive at all. The thing is she is almost always right whenever there is an argument, and has apologized when she was wrong. Even when I totally 100% think she is wrong, I rethink it and tell her she really was right. I make determinations too fast on things that should require more thought. She is very smart on a lot of things and I am too quick to discount her (pattern). I have that same thing where it seems it wasn't real and I push back. Did your X ever find out why he does that? I forgot to write in my first post that when ever I give HER a gift, no matter how small, she is delighted and appreciative. She is real classy even if she doesn't care for the present.

Your question...

"What is it about her open heart and vulnerability that compels me to stomp all over her emotionally? "

...puts the blame for YOUR actions squarely on her and therefore...

It totally NEGATES anything you said about you taking responsibility for your actions.

The ONLY way you will change is when YOU CHOOSE / DECIDE TO. It doesn't have anything to do with her.

In addition, you have also put out parameters that basically keeps you from being open to therapy, which is what you need.

And I don't believe that you have a loving relationship, at least not on your part. Love is an ACTION VERB and your actions, by your own definition, don't match the words 'loving relationship.'

It your actions really killed you inside you would would have changed your behavior.

Please do yourself and her the most loving thing possible. Find a qualified therapist and get help for yourself. Because the ONLY person who KNOWS why you do what you do is YOU.

To My TrueColors:
It is all me. Nothing to do with her. Therapy is definitely a part of this and is a tool to help myself.
Thanks for the insight.

Just an afterthought, I do believe that a person can be in a loving relationship, but sometimes do unloving things. We're fallible human beings. I am here humbly, to find out why I do unloving things, and to get advice on how to change MY behavior.

I recommend that you see a therapist about this. At least, you recognize your own behavior.

It really doesn't matter why. What matters is that you change. You might just teach yourself not to say those things when you feel like saying them. Maybe stop and think before you speak and practice it often. Sometimes just changing your own behavior with a conscious effort changes your attitudes.

Also when you feel you did and or said something that does not reflect what you meant to do or say, apologize. Then make a point of never doing it again. That's the difficult part. Anyone can say they are sorry. Not everyone has the courage and strength of character to change bad habits for a better life.

All the best.

First of all, I applaud you for your awareness of this problem and your desire to make changes. What you're admitting to is not an easy thing to own up to. I'm no shrink, but you sound classically counter-dependent. (Google it...) It basically means being afraid to let anyone close and it IS based in your childhood so if you want to get to the bottom of it, you WILL have to "go Freudian," sorry! Therapy is probably the way to go, but you could start by doing some reading on your own. I'd recommend "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. And here on another DS board is a post "from the counter-dependent's point of view" that you may like to read: http://tinyurl.com/ovk6ztm
Good luck. It's great that you see this as a problem and want to change. You CAN change, but it'll take a fair bit of soul-searching to find out why you have these emotional responses.

My X told me the following reasons why he did this:
He pushes me away for fear of getting close
I do too much and it makes him feel bad, for not doing as much
He doesn't like holidays because they bring up bad memories
I'm not really doing it for him, just to make me look good
His X was a really stupid woman & he was threatened by being with a smart woman

I think he went through a lot of trauma/abuse as a child and now uses verbal and emotional abuse to exert his dominance & control over his woman. I think he is majorly messed up. He is also alcoholic. I think his need for dominance worked out great for him with my low self-esteem and my need to feel loved & avoid confrontation. (Big Strong Man & Mild Meek Woman. Yuck!)

I'm glad you are getting therapy for this. What you are doing is abusive.

Greetings zrostratum -----

You've gotten a fair amount
of great feedback to your
question so far.

There are a couple things
I want to "second" and
some further observations.

Most people who return love
with painful disparaging
distancing disrespect have
some emotional injury or
some kind of physiological
brain dysfunction.

In general, most people with
behavioral patterns similar to
yours HAVE experienced some
kind of disturbance in their
family of origin. (For the record,
Freudian psychology is a relatively
"ancient" perspective at this point.
Many other schools of psychological
exploration, explanation and
interventions have followed since
Freud's original propositions,
now over a century old.)

It's very good that you want
to embark on an investigation
of why you're doing what you
do. That's a first step in the
right direction.

If you really do want to learn
about why you're less than
reciprical with your partner,
the first thing to do is to
walk the walk. You say
you come here humbly,
looking for answers.

FYI ---- to immediately
counter the first things
you read from us, that
you don't like or agree
with by writing:

I do believe that a person can be in a loving relationship, but sometimes do unloving things. We're fallible human beings.

is defensive.

Yes. We're human being.
Human beings are fallible.

If you truly want to be a better
partner to your girlfriend, then
you'll put down your dukes
and listen (with genuine
receptivity) to everything
we, (victims and survivors
of people like you, who
return love with disrespect),
without getting prickly.

(For the record, I'm both
a survivor and a clinician
with a specialty in this
field, for twenty years,
more or less.)

Human behavior is simultaneously
complex and also, in some ways,
fairly simple. Healthy, fully-
functioning human beings
interact with the world in a
generally happy, peace-loving
manner and with the people
around them in respectful
and good-natured ways.

When someone doesn't
act like that, but rather with
a pattern such as you've
described, there's something
amiss inside that requires
attention and probably, repair.

Most of the time, when
someone behaves in
an intimate relationship
the way you've described
yourself as doing, there
was some dysfunctional
dynamic in their family of
origin. (Sometimes the
cause may be a biological
condition.)

If you truly want to become
a better partner in your
relationship, I strongly
suggest that you search
for a therapist whose
specialty is working
with clients to extinguish
abusive behavior patterns.
This is not a common
specialty, so it may take
some research.

Once you've found that
clinician, commit to doing
the hard work that changing
your familiar patterns will
entail. It's no small feat
and it's not always pleasant.
It's already been written here
that love is a verb. So is change.
It doesn't happen by announcing
good intentions. It happens
by doing.

You've stated that you want
to find out why you're doing
what you do, and that's a
good start. Presumably
your intent is to then
CHANGE what you're
doing, to something
that will truly generate
for both you and your
girlfriend, a loving relationship
and not a relationship
where one partner is loving
and the other abuses that love.

Sending you all good thoughts
and wishes for attaining your
goal and visions, going forward.

Thank you all for responding will all of this important information. I accept it as true help from people who have first hand knowledge. I think those that have replied so far are very open minded considering they may be/are survivors themselves.

Your described behaviors sound very much like an adult attachment style disorder in my opinion. Adult attachment style issues are known to cause behaviors like what you've described. The problem could easily be something else, but attachment style issues is the first possibility that comes to mind.

It may be helpful to see a therapist/counselor who specializes in relationships and/or attachment issues to see what they have to say about your problem.

Sleepy Walrus, Thanks. I am seeing such a therapist as you described and she is helping.

I hope I am not too blunt by saying that your talk sounds "therapized to me". I think you have gotten insight from an outer source, but I doubt that it's going to help you empathize with your girlfriend on an emotional level. It seems that the emotional connection between you is missing. I wish I heard something more authentic from you, about how you feel when you are with her. I congratulate you for taking responsibility and working on that.

I'd say your reason for stomping all over her vulnerability is your immaturity. No sane well adjusted adult feels the need to be a bully or play games with someone.