Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
We are attempting round two of divorce mediation.
I am scared to death because the last time we set the appointment and the day before the mediation I panicked and couldn't go through with it because I wanted to give it one more chance being we had not been to marriage counseling.
I have come to terms over the last week that nothing has changed and nothing will change. As you saw in one of my posts, he told me he was buying an Emotional Abuse book to help him and asked me to stay with him while he changes but he has yet to buy the book. Over the last few days he told me a few things including I didn't give it enough time, I said I would give it a year, that this was doomed to fail from the beginning because I was not in the right frame of mind to work on things because I was worried, and then he told me last night that he wanted me to give him another chance because he had an ear infection and sinus infection and was not feeling well which is why he acted the way he did from day 2 through day 14 of us getting back together.
I am scared to death because I know that the feeling of loss will be hitting again and I don't want to panic and run back because of self doubt or second guessing or what ifs. I am really praying for strength, clarity, courage, etc. to get through this as quick as possible. I am going to do my best to pre-occupy my mind and stay busy, etc. I am just really terrified........
I am scared to death because the last time we set the appointment and the day before the mediation I panicked and couldn't go through with it because I wanted to give it one more chance being we had not been to marriage counseling.
I have come to terms over the last week that nothing has changed and nothing will change. As you saw in one of my posts, he told me he was buying an Emotional Abuse book to help him and asked me to stay with him while he changes but he has yet to buy the book. Over the last few days he told me a few things including I didn't give it enough time, I said I would give it a year, that this was doomed to fail from the beginning because I was not in the right frame of mind to work on things because I was worried, and then he told me last night that he wanted me to give him another chance because he had an ear infection and sinus infection and was not feeling well which is why he acted the way he did from day 2 through day 14 of us getting back together.
I am scared to death because I know that the feeling of loss will be hitting again and I don't want to panic and run back because of self doubt or second guessing or what ifs. I am really praying for strength, clarity, courage, etc. to get through this as quick as possible. I am going to do my best to pre-occupy my mind and stay busy, etc. I am just really terrified........
Live on your own a few months and see how it goes?
Is that a possibility?
It might help to ask yourself, how many times has he actually truly taken responsibility for his actions? How many chances has he already had?
IMHO, when trying to decide whether to stay in an abusive relationship, its really hard (and possibly dangerous) to not consider past behavior. When children are involved, it is doubly important to consider the future when trying to decide whether to give an abuser yet another chance. Basically there are three possible outcomes: he stays the same, he gets better, or he gets worse. And ONLY time and his actions will tell.
Something else you might want to consider is how abuse affects us and our kids. The longer we stay in an abusive environment, the more we risk exposing ourselves and our children to repeated trauma. Even if he never abuses the kids, their witnessing him abusing you could cause trauma & even PTSD. Repeated exposure to trauma (including abuse) has been shown to cause brain damage because it causes the hippocampus to shrink. See http://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/01/science/severe-trauma-may-damage-the-brain-as-well-as-the-psyche.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm and http://www.pandys.org/articles/invisibleepidemic.html
But, for discussion sake, let's just say that it won't. There's something else to consider: Living with an abuser teaches children that abusing and being abused is ok.
If I had to make this decision again, I would leave to protect my kids and me and to give him the time & space needed to work on himself. IF he changes for the better and IF that change lasts consistently (even if he gets sick) for two years, THEN I might consider giving him another chance.
Knowing what I know now, I would never risk my well being and that of my children on the hope the abuser might change. But that's just me.
My best advice is trust your gut. When considering being with him, how does it make you feel? Listen to your body. Do you feel good? Are you relaxed? Tense? Shaky? Scared? Happy? Your body will give you the answer.
Big hugs!
Christysays, separation is not an option. He has already told me that if we separate its over. The mere fact that if someone wants to change they first have to do it for themselves regardless of anyone else. The fact that he only wanted to buy the book about emotional abuse if I agreed to stay and when I told him I can't he dropped any desire to purchase the book which shows me he only did it to get me to stay. As some might say, a "tactic".
Mytruecolors, the thought of staying with him does not relax me, in fact I feel like I'm on eggshells when I'm around him because constantly thinking if there is something I should be doing so he isn't irritated if I sit and watch a tv show or do something he doesn't think is productive.
Now's the time to change it. You didn't reach this decision rashly, it's not just a kid chucking a tantrum and storming out of the sandpit. You have considered all the options, you've taken advice, and you've given it one last shot. Trust in your judgment. Know that it's ok to be scared, sad and anything else you may be feeling. But trust in your judgment anyway.
And know that we are all here for you, no matter what.