I am so sorry you're experiencing this! These are typical abuser tactics after ending it with an abuser-the spreading gossip, discrediting you, revenge for making your own choice he doesn't have control over.

Of course it hurts! Of course it bothers you, it's unfair, its frustrating, its humiliating, it's someone who should have cherished you purposely hurting you. Why should you pretend it doesn't bother you, for whose benefit is this pretending? Is it that you don't want to give him the satisfaction that he's hurt you? Is it that you think it will give credibility to his lies if you are upset by them? Is it that you feel that feeling hurt and betrayed would take something away from you? You are both mourning the loss of a two year relationship, what that relationship meant to you, and trying to recover from abuse (which he is still perpetrating on you even though you're no longer in the relationship). This is bound to stir up a lot of unpleasant feelings.

One of the best ways to process through these emotions is to accept them for what they are, and not judge yourself for them. Your feelings are providing motivation, information-they have their purpose. They are your natural, authentic self.

Abuse whittles away our self worth, our sense of identity in a big way. But we can get it back. My first suggestion is going complete and total No Contact. This is HUGE. If you are still being exposed to his abuse it will continue to tear you down even while you are trying to build yourself up. Block him on all social media, if someone talks about him let that person know you don't want to hear about it, shield yourself from all his tactics to the best of your ability. This does multiple very important things-it keeps you from being re-traumatized by him yet again (and trauma has an accumulative effect), and it builds your self esteem by knowing YOU CAN DO THINGS to keep yourself safe. It's empowering and puts you back in control of protecting what you value.

Next, focus on yourself in the form of self-care. Are you familiar with self care strategies? More empowerment-we learn to take care of ourselves the way we deserve to be taken care of and once we get used to that we are instinctively aware of when someone is not caring for us the way we deserve, because it feels unnatural. This is the best way I know to end a pattern of becoming involved with abusive partners. What do you value in life? What are you good at, what do you enjoy, what makes you feel connected to the world, who are you and how can you protect what is great about you in the world in your every day interactions? Put that focus back on building yourself up.

It irritates me that he is pulling his tactics at your church, someplace important for you. Typical abuser. This should be a place of support for you. What are you afraid would happen if you go to church where he's telling lies? What are the benefits versus the harms to you in continuing to reach out to your church under the circumstances? If you'd get more out of the support there than you would feel pain from knowing what he's saying you might not want to allow the loss of the support for you to be included what you've lost in this relationship with an abuser.

Thank so so much.

I'm so devastated. The last thing I needed in my life was more hurt. And yes, I didn't want to give him the satisfaction, but I'm hurt.

I'm just humiliated and degraded and feeling worthless. Like I don't deserve respect.

I did nothing to deserve this and I can't handle any more pain.

I've tried praying. It's not helping this time.

Thanks for being here

You have more strength than you realize. You said "I did nothing to deserve this and I can't handle any more pain"

If you believe you don't deserve his mistreatment that must mean part of you believes you do deserve to be respected and you are not worthless. That is the same part of you who saw the red flags and already acted heroically in her own defense and got out of that relationship. I am guessing that this abusive person knew just how to hurt you and the things he said and did pertained to things that were really important to you? If so, I'm so sorry. I hate it when they do that. Your reaction to his abuse, feeling worthless, feeling degraded is because he did everything possible to make you feel that way-not because you actually are that way.

You said you can't handle any more pain, but what I see is that you are doing it-you are handling the pain every moment of every day. It's unpleasant, horrible really, but you are handing it every day you get out of bed and try to make something out of the day. Every time you pay a bill, eat a meal, take a walk, accept a compliment from a friend you are handling the pain. You come to a support group like this and tell your story and it can help others you are handling the pain. I see an amazing, strong, brave, smart, worthwhile person in what you write who is dealing with something very difficult.

I am so sorry that you experience this. Noticing abuse early on is great. What he did was wrong and leaving him alone was the first step. Now its time to focus on you and allow yourself to heal. I don't think it will be a great idea to go back to that church.

This guy sounds like a complete jerk. What he has done is deny his own shortcomings (of which there sounds to be quite a few) twisted it round in his head and projected his own shitty feelings about himself onto you for you to feel not him, the jackass. It really isn't you sweetie, it's him. And it's so common for abusers like him to bad-mouth their victims and try to smear the victim's good character and reputation. I have experienced it myself and it's bloody awful. But if those people he has managed to turn against you, don't want to know you, then go to another church and meet new people who don't know (or think they know) your business or history and make a fresh start. Unfortunately in situations like this the abuser gets in first and even when the people hear your side of the story they don't believe you. So it's hard to turn back to your side again, the side of truth. The way I see it is, why would you want to associate with such bigoted prejudiced individuals as them? You're worth a 100 of him, and a 1000 of them. Sincerely hoped this helped. You're a good person, don't let him win.

hugs

Manda xx

Thank you all for your insight and support.

I've been doing reading on people that resort to smear campaigns. The general consensus seems to be that it's a form of "damage control" when abusive people fear exposure. They try and make the other person the bad guy.

Guess I don't understand it because though I'm far from perfect, I try to treat those I'm in a relationship with fairly and with respect.

Trash talking the other guy doesn't make me feel better about myself. I guess it works for some.

It's very hurtful, but I can't control others so I suppose I just need to be more cautious about who I allow into my life.