Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been married for 10 years and I have 3 beautiful children, two of which have special needs. I work in the medical field and travel for work 15 days out of the month and the rest of the time I spend at home. I am the main breadwinner of my family. My spouse is a serial yeller and intimidator. He always berates me for not cleaning or doing the laundry or watching the kids enough. I tried in the past to appease him but nothing I do seemed to please him. I never pressure him into cleaning the house or bother him at work (when he does, he works casually like 2-10 days a month tops) but I am not extended the same courtesy. He would call me at work randomly and scream at me for a missing sippy cup. When he comes home from work he sleeps. When I come home from work (I used to wrk a busier schedule in my previous job), I have to do housework. When he leaves his filthy clothes or dishes or empty chips bag its ok, if I leave a dirty dish I get screamed at. After ten years I figured enough is enough and acknowledged that I am being abused by this jerk (my mother tried to convince me for years but I guess I was in denial). So I tried to file for divorce....and...he didn't like that. He threatened to report me to the police for a crime I didn't even do, throw my mother out of our house (she was helping care for the kids for goodness sakes, and flew halfway the world to do so) unless I retracted the divorce filing. I pretended to (and by my lawyer's advice I never really did) and now its gotten to the point where I need to disclose to him that I didn't actually go through with the retraction (because of the court deadlines). Needless to say I am petrified. He has threatened continously that if I ever tried to divorce him he would get the kids, keep the house and I have to pay all the bills (not like I don't do that already), that I will get kicked to the curb and pay him child support. Meanwhile he posts that he is single on Craigslist and puts the bills for expensive dinner dates on our credit cards. My mother is furious with him and doesn't understand my fear. She says I have nothing to be afraid of and justice does exist. I am so scared of losing my children. He said he will get them because he can take care of them since he doesn't work, although the courts in the state where I live usually prefer Shared Custody. There are days he says he will agree to the divorce under this, this and this conditions which I personally think are unfair. I am so scared, and maybe unrightfully so. My lawyer is not worried but I am. Help!!!!!
Your mother and your lawyer may not be familiar with the dynamics of psychological abuse, but here we are. He creates an imbalance of power and abuses you. I will even say he has enslaved you, according to your description.
This is not the dynamic of a normal relationship and not a regular divorce.
What you can do, because you will need evidence is to record him on your phone, and start documenting, also in writing, every abusive thing he says or does.
Keep your phone, access to social media...away from him.
There is justice but it has to be well proven.
You and your mother have proven that y'all can handle the children just fine.
He shows he is of bad character.
You will NOT lose your children.
He is physically able to work. He won't be awarded all of your money.
Just be careful, as this is the most dangerous time. Have things gathered in case you have to leave in a hurry for your safety.
Keep you mother in the loop, so she can call "911" if necessary.
Maybe have the children gone when you speak to him of this.
Follow the routine of having all your important papers...certificates, bank info., the children's health records, etc. gathered and safe BEFORE you get him on his warpath.
You are acting out, in his eyes, and there WILL be a warpath, IMHO. How DARE you?!? (his thought will be..)
Just stay focused on how much more peaceful it will be for you, your children, your mother once you call an end to these abusive games o' his. :)
GL!
{{hugz}}