I am about to turn 29. That's a big deal for me because 8 years ago I tried to kill myself 3 times, but each time (thankfully) the hospitals were able to save me. I started this topic because I need someone to read my story and believe it. I need someone to acknowledge my pain/rage and tell me it's ok to feel that way. I have a wonderful husband, but talking to him about it hurts him and makes him want to seek justice, but I can't let him do that. So here I am on the internet.
It started after I left rehab. It was an awful place and shouldn't have been called rehab. I was still clean and rode a bus home. I was happy to be home until I got strep throat. When I get strep I generally require antibiotic shots and pain killer. I got codeine syrup and was taking it as prescribed. My mom asked for some, and at that time I didn't know the extent of her script abuse so I gave her a dose. She then got the bottle and took all of it while also spilling it because she was so high. So then I was left in pain...we argued horribly and she kicked me out. My only place to go was my uncle's.
My uncle....I loved him....I trusted him....I never doubted him in my life. I should have this time though. Never in a million years would I have thought this man capable of evil. I went to his house (next door to my parents) and all was good. I was in bed with my fever and pain trying to ride it out. He made me tomato soup. (My favorite) Come night he started drinking and I thought nothing of it because he had just got off the truck (truck driver) so he was enjoying a night off. He came in my room...instead of feeling my head for fever he felt my stomach and told me he felt awful for me and I was burning up. I was uncomfortable, but passed it off as drunk and I rolled over.
A couple hours later...He comes and gets me. Starts raving about an old enemy/boss (he has a large scale drug running past using trucks) coming to take me as payment for something my uncle did in the past. I don't believe him and I was scared. I had never seen him like this so I was going to go home and tell my parents I needed to stay with them. He blocked the door...pointed a gun at me...and said I couldn't leave because they were coming. (The enemies). I started to believe slightly, but still skeptical and kept waiting for an opportunity to run. Then he played a voicemail. It became real. He told me to go back to bed and he would stay up to protect me. (I later found out after I escaped him a little over a month later it was his friend...they played this elaborate gaslight out together)
Come morning I ran home. Told my parents...they didn't believe me. I was 20 at this point btw.
So the only place to go was with my uncle. I still had no idea what would happen next. It was fine in the beginning. We had fun (on the truck with him because he had to work and didn't want his house unlocked...) and stopped to get snacks and stuff. It was a nice ride and the nights events were in the back of my mind for now. My uncle had a way of making everything feel ok...He always had which is why I he was my favorite uncle my whole life.
Night....another voicemail stating if he wasn't "using me" then he had to turn me over to them. Fear...paralyzed. They needed proof......I can't tell you what ran through my mind....just fear...confusion. This is the part where I feel responsible for my own abuse which is the aim of gaslight I suppose. I let him take a picture of me...naked...to send to them. I watched him send it...I saw them reply. It was real....dear god it was real. I was now scared of them and my uncle had become my saviour.
A couple days went by...I started to think they were satisfied with the three picture and we were free to enjoy our family road trip. We went shopping and stopped for food. We were the dynamic duo again. Night came.... They called and needed more convincing proof. They wanted a video. Nausea, fear, anger, confusion....what do we do. Why won't the leave me alone. Enter his fear and sadness....his repulsion at the only option. A 1 minute video. Disgust...self loathing...tears. They were satisfied.
More days...less happy, but some relief at the phone less nights. Couldn't look at him, but I felt bad for him because they were doing this to him too as he explained a couple times when we did speak.
3 nights later....another video requested....I refused...Then his true intentions appeared. A taser was brought into the picture. Another video was made...this time with tears and pleas to stop. The next day he tried to blame it on them. I didn't completely believe him, but part of me did. I think it was easier than believing he made this whole facade. I doubted myself. What if I'm wrong...what if they would come get me if we didn't show them proof.
A few days later...they sent a picture this time. They had taken my naked picture and made it look like I was having sex with a goat. Vomit...humiliation...tears....apologies from my uncle. He tried to buy me stuff....I couldn't face him or the public. My dad called....I tried to get the phone to talk...they hung up.
All this while...I wanted to escaped, but where? I was states away. What would I say to the police....I didn't know what gaslighting was.
Then....phone call, but this time my uncle was laughing with them about me. I still couldn't fully believe he was evil...I thought he was just going with it to make them believe. Night....this time I fought...taser.
I didn't believe anymore. I knew he was evil. He didn't try to hide it. He told me I could run, but laughed because I had nowhere to go and nobody would believe a mentally ill drug addicts story. Prayers....to anyone out anything listening.....silence. Weeks....abuse...Vomit.
My birthday...He decided it was ok to go out to eat. We were in a town where I had friends. He let me call a friend to meet us. I told my uncle I would meet them at the door....I don't know why he let me....but he did. I met my friend and told him to run with me to his car. I was free. I had nothing, but the clothes on my back.
The abuse didn't end though. He called my family and told them I was back on drugs and ran away. He had recorded our conversations and sent them to my dad. He convinced them it was me sleep talking and I was dreaming the rape. He felt bad for my mentally ill nightmares he said. My dad trusts him with his life....so he trusted his assessment of my mental stability.
I hid...for a year. Different shelters...Different names because my uncle told me he'd find me. I believed him...He is a smart man. My family didn't search...Why would they? I was a run away and didn't want to be found. After that year....I finally returned home to face them...and him. They asked me how my voices were....He had convinced them i I had paranoid schizophrenia.
Huge fights...nobody believed the crazy drug addict...Why would they? He had 'proof' of my crazy....I had nothing. At one point I would doubt my own sanity...suicide attempt....learn to forgive...finally...I actually relapsed. Suicide attempt 2. I had nothing left...My family pitied me....loved him....I lost everything I loved. Suicide attempt 3.
Enter my husband. He's lovely and he believed me when I told him 6 months into the relationship. He believed me. 3 kids 6 years later...He still does. I have the strength to smile at my uncle at family functions.
Still working on serious problems...sex is hard a lot of the time. During memory time...I don't like to be touched. I don't like lies. He never lies...I love him. :)
I write this because I needed to get it out of me. The guilt for 'allowing' my own abuse is all consuming. I heard about gas lighting last week....it made me cry. There is a name for it. My birthday is a happy day of strength and freedom, but also a horrible memory....but when I accept his birthday present (yes he does that) I always look him in the eyes. My family may never believe me....He will never apologize....I will never get justice. I pray for the strength to let this go one day.