Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I found this great article on Gaslighting....it is emotional abuse in it's highest form.
A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy
September 12, 2011 in Women with 397 Comments
Youre so sensitive. Youre so emotional. Youre defensive. Youre overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! Youre crazy! I was just joking, dont you have a sense of humor? Youre so dramatic. Just get over it already!
Sound familiar?
If youre a woman, it probably does.
Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?
When someone says these things to you, its not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without callingthats inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, Calm down, youre overreacting, after you just addressed someone elses bad behavior, is emotional manipulationpure and simple.
And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. Its patently false and unfair.
I think its time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not found in our normal vocabulary.
I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that theyre crazy.
The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergmans husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergmans character reacts to it, he tells her shes just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victims perception of him or herself.
Today, when the term is referenced, its usually because the perpetrator says things like, Youre so stupid or No one will ever want you, to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyers character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergmans character into believing herself unhinged.
The form of gaslighting Im addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.
Those who engage in gaslighting create a reactionwhether its anger, frustration, sadnessin the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings arent rational or normal.
My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, Youre so sensitive. Im just joking.
My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, Cant you do something right? or Why did I hire you? are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldnt know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, It doesnt help me when you say these things, she gets the same reaction: Relax; youre overreacting.
Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And its exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.
But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, Youre so sensitive, to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.
While dealing with gaslighting isnt a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.
And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.
Why?
Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.
Its a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they dont refuse our burdens as easily. Its the ultimate cowardice.
Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.
These women arent able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They cant tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They cant tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.
When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, Forget it, its okay.
That forget it isnt just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. Its heartbreaking.
No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.
They say, Im sorry, before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.
You know how it looks: Youre late :)
These are the same women who stay in relationships they dont belong in, who dont follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.
Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as crazy has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.
From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.
Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, Oh, about how crazy we are?
Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.
As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.
I dont think this idea that women are crazy, is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe its connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as crazy.
I recognize that Ive been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friendssurprise, surprise). Its shameful, but Im glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.
While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. Its about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.
When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.
When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.
So for many of us, its first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.
But isnt the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that womens opinions dont hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isnt quite as legitimate?
A Message To Women From A Man: You Are Not Crazy
September 12, 2011 in Women with 397 Comments
Youre so sensitive. Youre so emotional. Youre defensive. Youre overreacting. Calm down. Relax. Stop freaking out! Youre crazy! I was just joking, dont you have a sense of humor? Youre so dramatic. Just get over it already!
Sound familiar?
If youre a woman, it probably does.
Do you ever hear any of these comments from your spouse, partner, boss, friends, colleagues, or relatives after you have expressed frustration, sadness, or anger about something they have done or said?
When someone says these things to you, its not an example of inconsiderate behavior. When your spouse shows up half an hour late to dinner without callingthats inconsiderate behavior. A remark intended to shut you down like, Calm down, youre overreacting, after you just addressed someone elses bad behavior, is emotional manipulationpure and simple.
And this is the sort of emotional manipulation that feeds an epidemic in our country, an epidemic that defines women as crazy, irrational, overly sensitive, unhinged. This epidemic helps fuel the idea that women need only the slightest provocation to unleash their (crazy) emotions. Its patently false and unfair.
I think its time to separate inconsiderate behavior from emotional manipulation and we need to use a word not found in our normal vocabulary.
I want to introduce a helpful term to identify these reactions: gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a term, often used by mental health professionals (I am not one), to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that theyre crazy.
The term comes from the 1944 MGM film, Gaslight, starring Ingrid Bergman. Bergmans husband in the film, played by Charles Boyer, wants to get his hands on her jewelry. He realizes he can accomplish this by having her certified as insane and hauled off to a mental institution. To pull of this task, he intentionally sets the gaslights in their home to flicker off and on, and every time Bergmans character reacts to it, he tells her shes just seeing things. In this setting, a gaslighter is someone who presents false information to alter the victims perception of him or herself.
Today, when the term is referenced, its usually because the perpetrator says things like, Youre so stupid or No one will ever want you, to the victim. This is an intentional, pre-meditated form of gaslighting, much like the actions of Charles Boyers character in Gaslight, where he strategically plots to confuse Ingrid Bergmans character into believing herself unhinged.
The form of gaslighting Im addressing is not always pre-mediated or intentional, which makes it worse, because it means all of us, especially women, have dealt with it at one time or another.
Those who engage in gaslighting create a reactionwhether its anger, frustration, sadnessin the person they are dealing with. Then, when that person reacts, the gaslighter makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure by behaving as if their feelings arent rational or normal.
My friend Anna (all names changed to protect privacy) is married to a man who feels it necessary to make random and unprompted comments about her weight. Whenever she gets upset or frustrated with his insensitive comments, he responds in the same, defeating way, Youre so sensitive. Im just joking.
My friend Abbie works for a man who finds a way, almost daily, to unnecessarily to unnecessarily shoot down her performance and her work product. Comments like, Cant you do something right? or Why did I hire you? are regular occurrences for her. Her boss has no problem firing people (he does it regularly), so you wouldnt know that based on these comments, Abbie has worked for him for six years. But every time she stands up for herself and says, It doesnt help me when you say these things, she gets the same reaction: Relax; youre overreacting.
Abbie thinks her boss is just being a jerk in these moments, but the truth is, he is making those comments to manipulate her into thinking her reactions are out of whack. And its exactly that kind manipulation that has left her feeling guilty about being sensitive, and as a result, she has not left her job.
But gaslighting can be as simple as someone smiling and saying something like, Youre so sensitive, to somebody else. Such a comment may seem innocuous enough, but in that moment, the speaker is making a judgment about how someone else should feel.
While dealing with gaslighting isnt a universal truth for women, we all certainly know plenty of women who encounter it at work, home, or in personal relationships.
And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.
Why?
Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.
Its a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they dont refuse our burdens as easily. Its the ultimate cowardice.
Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: it renders some women emotionally mute.
These women arent able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They cant tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They cant tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.
When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, Forget it, its okay.
That forget it isnt just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. Its heartbreaking.
No wonder some women are unconsciously passive aggressive when expressing anger, sadness, or frustration. For years, they have been subjected to so much gaslighting that they can no longer express themselves in a way that feels authentic to them.
They say, Im sorry, before giving their opinion. In an email or text message, they place a smiley face next to a serious question or concern, thereby reducing the impact of having to express their true feelings.
You know how it looks: Youre late :)
These are the same women who stay in relationships they dont belong in, who dont follow their dreams, who withdraw from the kind of life they want to live.
Since I have embarked on this feminist self-exploration in my life and in the lives of the women I know, this concept of women as crazy has really emerged as a major issue in society at large and an equally major frustration for the women in my life, in general.
From the way women are portrayed on reality shows, to how we condition boys and girls to see women, we have come to accept the idea that women are unbalanced, irrational individuals, especially in times of anger and frustration.
Just the other day, on a flight from San Francisco to Los Angeles, a flight attendant who had come to recognize me from my many trips asked me what I did for a living. When I told her that I write mainly about women, she immediately laughed and asked, Oh, about how crazy we are?
Her gut reaction to my work made me really depressed. While she made her response in jest, her question nonetheless makes visible a pattern of sexist commentary that travels through all facets of society on how men view women, which also greatly impacts how women may view themselves.
As far as I am concerned, the epidemic of gaslighting is part of the struggle against the obstacles of inequality that women constantly face. Acts of gaslighting steal their most powerful tool: their voice. This is something we do to women every day, in many different ways.
I dont think this idea that women are crazy, is based in some sort of massive conspiracy. Rather, I believe its connected to the slow and steady drumbeat of women being undermined and dismissed, on a daily basis. And gaslighting is one of many reasons why we are dealing with this public construction of women as crazy.
I recognize that Ive been guilty of gaslighting my women friends in the past (but never my male friendssurprise, surprise). Its shameful, but Im glad I realized that I did it on occasion and put a stop to it.
While I take total responsibility for my actions, I do believe that I, along with many men, am a byproduct of our conditioning. Its about the general insight our conditioning gives us into admitting fault and exposing any emotion.
When we are discouraged in our youth and early adulthood from expressing emotion, it causes many of us to remain steadfast in our refusal to express regret when we see someone in pain from our actions.
When I was writing this piece, I was reminded of one of my favorite Gloria Steinem quotes, The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.
So for many of us, its first about unlearning how to flicker those gaslights and learning how to acknowledge and understand the feelings, opinions, and positions of the women in our lives.
But isnt the issue of gaslighting ultimately about whether we are conditioned to believe that womens opinions dont hold as much weight as ours? That what women have to say, what they feel, isnt quite as legitimate?
LoveStone, I think they know. And if not, then their version of what's normal and acceptable is so off-base that there's a serious mental issue. Either way, it is not our job to stay with an abuser. The end result of being abused is the same, whether they're aware of abusing or not. A good test about the awareness would be this: does this person treat everyone the same way, or is it just you? If it's everybody, then the person might really be that blind and ignorant. But usuall, abusers have A victim and treat other people in a fairly normal matter.
Sure. There's a chance the
abuser doesn't know they're
abusing.
And even if that's the case. . . .
It DOESN'T MATTER.
My mother didn't "know" she
was abusive. She didn't even
"intend" to be abusive.
But abusive she was,
destroying two innocent
childrens' lives.
Neither awareness nor intention
are required for behavior to be abusive.
Yes, gas lighting is emotional abuse.
For the record, abuse isn't
determined by gender.
Abuse is determined
by damage.
Sadly, women are just
as capable of causing
damage, as men.
Yes, most men are
physically stronger
than most women.
But when women are abusive
they are typically emotionally
abusive.
We hear more about abusive
men because men are typically
physically abusive more often,
and that's what gets the most
attention.
In regards to women's opinions. . . .
I totally agree. Socioculturally we're
conditioned to discount and dismiss
based on gender. That discriminitory
attitude used to be even worse than
it is today. But it hasn't been eradicated.
Bottom line________________________
Gaslighting is a despicable technique
used by abusers to encourage a victim
to believe what they see, hear, believe,
say, think and do are unreal and invalid.
It was the use of gaslighting, in the
vintage movie, "Rosemary's Baby,"
that convinced Rosemary to have
more of the neighbor's chocolate
dessert pudding, which containied
drugs that knocked her out and
resulted in her being raped.
Without gaslighting, where her
husband pooh poohed her
assertion that the pudding
tasted funny ----- or if she
had believed in herself
enough to say, "Well, maybe
YOURS is okay, but I'm not
finishing mine!" she'd have
saved herself a terrible ordeal.
TRUST YOUR GUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think too the thing that helps to fuel the image of women as 'hysterical' is the media, especially a few decades past. It was so coomon on crime dramas for the murderer to be portrayed as one of those hysterical, jealous or unbalanced women.
I think unlearning always being nice, by doing things like adding that smiley face or apologizing first before showing disapproval or even anger, will go a long way in creating chage in how women are viewed. I think the suppression of women demonstrating or even expressing anger still exists and many women still feel obligated to 'just be nice.' that is why in some cases I advocate for women to express their anger, openly without any prerequisites of nicety. I still am caught in that trap myself of not feeling confident enough to talk back, show disapproval, or to express anger or outrage over an injustice or abuse, without hesitating first or fearing repercussions. For me that is slowly changing. I hope is that other women, especially women who have been abused will find their voices and will express themselves without fear or hesitation or those little smileys or anything else that will take away the impact or truth of what they are saying.
It's another form of their cruelty intermingled with the rest.
Thanks for the historical info on how the term came about, never heard that before
Realy just posted it for the folks who are having doubt about their relationships...are they abusive or not.
Hope it helped someone and have enjoyed all of the feedback.
akacountrygirl
For example, my case:
My abuser was having an affair. He brought the woman into my house to live with us. He said he was bringing her there to help me out around the house since I was recovering from surgery. Every time I questioned him about why they acted so suspicious (jumping apart as I entered the room, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes, sleeping together entangled on the couch, ect.) he would reply that I was being paranoid.
One night he said she was doing such a good job keeping house for us that he needed to pay her some way, and he suggested that he sleep with her. When I responded with anger and hurt, he later denied he even said it at all and claimed that I misunderstood the whole thing.
Then when I had hard evidence of the affair that he could not refute, he admitted to the affair, but then kept claiming that I was also having an affair. I knew of course I had never done such a thing. He told me over and over that I even admitted the affair to him, and that I was going out with some guy every weekend. I knew this was untrue, but he insisted it was true.
He would constantly deny his rages and outbursts toward me, so I finally had to secretly record him as proof.
During this time, he forced me into a mental hospital 3 times by claiming that I made suicidal threats when I did not. He kept telling me that he was doing it for my own good. In fact, he was getting me out of the house so he could being his girlfriend in, spend my money on her, and steal my belongings.
Finally on the third time the psychiatrist realized the truth of what was going on.
Another tactic he used was sleep deprivation. By constantly raging at me and not letting me sleep, he kept me so emotionally drained and deprived of sleep, I did suffer from mental exhaustion.