Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi Ilene,
I posted about my daughter and you were very helpful and I'm wondering if you had any advice how to handle what I've just found out is going on.
I spoke with a friend of my daughter's, I've known her a long time and completely trust her not to tell my daughter anything.
She told me that my daughter and her boyfriend are having drag out fights and she tried to talk to them about it but it fell on deaf ears.
Whenever I've asked my daughter how things were going she always said they were fine, I've seen bruises on her, I'm told from "play fighting" and am now more worried than ever if that's even possible, this is very bad and I don't know what to do, this could spiral completely out of control and she ends up in the hospital or worse, I can feel something is going to happen.
She is so defensive of this guy though.
I just cannot sit back and know this is going on but I could make it worse.
Any advice? I really appreciate your help, thank you.
I posted about my daughter and you were very helpful and I'm wondering if you had any advice how to handle what I've just found out is going on.
I spoke with a friend of my daughter's, I've known her a long time and completely trust her not to tell my daughter anything.
She told me that my daughter and her boyfriend are having drag out fights and she tried to talk to them about it but it fell on deaf ears.
Whenever I've asked my daughter how things were going she always said they were fine, I've seen bruises on her, I'm told from "play fighting" and am now more worried than ever if that's even possible, this is very bad and I don't know what to do, this could spiral completely out of control and she ends up in the hospital or worse, I can feel something is going to happen.
She is so defensive of this guy though.
I just cannot sit back and know this is going on but I could make it worse.
Any advice? I really appreciate your help, thank you.
a situation you're
witnessing.
I presume your
daughter is older
than 18? If that's
the case, she's a
legal adult, which
means you're on
the outside looking
in.
I suggest you go to
your nearest women's
resource center and
when you're there,
make sure you get
there number and
the name of someone
your daughter can
speak with there. . . . .
WHEN she's READY.
Then, make sure you
keep lines of communication
open with your daughter.
DON'T tell her what to do
or be critical of her choices.
Tell her over and over that
you love her and you're
here for her whenever
she comes to you.
Tha's the extent to
which you can
intervene at this
point.
Your connection with
her friend is a great
asset but no one
can change this
situation, other
than your daughter.
I know it's hard but
try to be patient. If
you maintain a good
relationship with her,
she'll turn to you when
she arrives at her
tipping point.
Sending you and your
daughter good thought
and wishesh for safety
and clarity.
I know you are right, I did email the local women's shelter and they suggested not saying too much to my daughter and hopefully she will turn around but they also said she may never do that and to look after myself.
This is what's killing me, I see her so upset and depressed but she won't open up to me when I've always told her her whole life she can come to me about anything.
Last week she came over and asked for money (to give to him) and when I said no she went 1/2 crazy and so I did end up in frustration telling her how worried I am and some things I've noticed about him, she pushed and pushed me and it just came out. She went crazy again defending him.
This is killing me, it is so difficult, every time we talk on the phone he is right there at the side of her commenting.
Thank you again, I really appreciate and hope you are well.
I'm well.
But I'm sad for
your daughter's
situation.
Know that if you
give her money
for him, you're
prolonging her
attachment to
him.
Hopefully, at some
point in the future,
she'll have had her
fill of his abuse.
Then and only then
will she be ready to
remove herself from
the relationship.
Keep the lines of
communication open
so when she gets to
that point, she'll come
to you.
First of all, I wanted to thank you for being aware of the situation and being a caring and loving parent. That is awesome, and I'm so glad that she has you in her life.
Not giving her the money was also a very wise decision. Unfortunately, if she's over 18, you don't have much control over this situation. Please continue to let her know that you are there whenever she needs to talk.
One other thing to keep in mind is that if he knows that you don't like him, he will be pulling her away from you. So if you are going to voice concerns, bring up her behavior and her happiness, rather than anything bad about him. She can't see it yet, and nothing you say is going to help her. But if she can see how much she has changed, she will hopefully be able to see what's going on.
If you ever talk to her on the phone and have any reason to be concerned for her safety at that moment, you have every right to hang up and call 911. If you know any of her neighbors, you might want to try talking to them as well, so they are aware and looking out for her. I don't suggest this if they are strangers, though, as they might not know how to properly handle the situation and could potentially put your daughter in more danger.
I'm really sorry that you and your daughter are in this situation. Again, she is so lucky to have you, and I'm hoping that you two are able to reconnect soon. I'll be praying and/or sending good wishes to you and your family.