You are experiencing the good old "fight or flight" and it's normal after break up especially from an abusive relationship. It's about feeling safe, healthy, secure around him and you can start by validating yourself. It does not have to happen every time and when it does you can control it faster each time.

hi pinkstarra. I noticed that you have suffered from PTSD, which I have also had. it really sounds like seeing him was a trigger for your anxiety. your body was really telling you that he is dangerous for you. sorry you had to experience that, especially after not having contact for so long.

if you ever see him again, there are things that you can do to relieve the anxiety. gosh, I'm trying to remember what I learned in the group..probably mindfulness exercises which you can google. but, sounds like you were on target about leaving, like disi said, a fight or flight response from your body.

best wishes on your continued recovery and healing.

I agree with Elena that you might have had a ptsd episode. It's not unusual to react the way you did. Even if you had been going to intense therapy with a qualified therapist weekly for the past year, you'd probably still react that way the first time.

ALL abuse, doesn't matter what kind of abuse it is, leaves deep deep scars. Seeing him is an expected trigger.

I'm glad you stayed to see your friends and didn't let the sight of him chase you away. That's huge growth!

If you aren't in therapy with a qualified therapist who has additional training in recovery from trauma and ptsd, please consider doing so. They can teach you wonderful coping skills. Self-nurturing & as Elena suggested mindfulness are just two ways you can help yourself. It's important to retrain your brain to know that you aren't in danger. Trauma affects the hippicampus which is the place in your brain that dates/time stamps events. When the event is traumatic, it can damage the hippocampus to the point where (as in ptsd) your brain can't tell that you are safe. Instead it thinks you're back in the traumatic situation and thus, you can end up w/the response you described.

Keep taking good care of yourself.

~healing hugs~

We have a choice to not go back to the painful images that the abuser created for us. Take a breath and make a different choice. It is so destructive for out lungs and heart and soul to go back there.

I wish is was as simple as taking a breath and having the image just go away. Unfortunately, it rarely works that way. That's because it's engrained in our brain, subconscious and unconscious. If we do not heal the trauma at the source, the images will keep happening.

Taking a deep breath can be helpful, but it doesn't rid us of the image. Deep breathing on a regular basis (like meditation) can be helpful in the healing process. There are some specialized breathing techniques that, when combined w/other modalities can help immensely.

Here's an analogy.

You have a bowl of shit (your trauma). You decorate it with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, sprinkles, nuts and a cherry on top (various ways to put it out of our minds, make it seem not so bad at the moment, etc. This similar to disassociation, which we all do way more than we realize).

The bowl of shit is really pretty, but underneath the pretty is still a bowl of shit. So until we clean up the shit (i.e. heal the original and subsequent traumas), it's still a bowl of shit. And it will rear its ugly head over and over again.

To put it another way, unhealed, the trauma will scab over. And, choosing not to go back to the painful images is like putting a band aid on a gushing artery. It might hold for a little while.

But when something happens to trigger the trauma, it's like picking the scab open again or the blood bursting through the band aid.

The healthiest thing we can do for not just our lungs and hearts, but our whole body, mind and souls is to heal the trauma from the inside out.

~healing hugs~

I am not going to accept judgments or accept grades for the offers I am making to other members from my experience and knowledge as a survivor who never claimed to be more than that.
For me that moment of awareness works. I take a breath and tell myself I am not going back and I do not take away from the fact that it is deep and serious and hard.

I only offered my opinion. No judgment or grades. I'm sorry you feel you were being judged, but that was definitely NOT my intention.

If it works for you, that's great.

I hesitate sharing sometimes publicly because it makes me vulnerable. It makes me feel worse when I feel judged or that my feelings are not good feelings.