Welcome . . . . .

Though I'm sorry you're
in need of a forum like ours.

It makes no difference if
abuse is not physical.
Abuse is abuse.

Here:

(517) 347-7000

is the number for
support in your state.
Please call or visit your
nearest center.

We all understand the
relectance to dive into
the chaos of disruption.

Take one day at a time.
Put one foot in front of the
other, one step, one step,
one step.

Eventually you'll arrive
at a place within yourself
that you'll be able to uproot
yourself and your children
to move away from being
abused, to a better life
for everyone.

Please know that
children raised under
the roof of abuse ----
even if they are not
the target(s) of the
abuse -----

will experience
the effect of what
they've witnessed
for as long as they
live. It's a different
kind of chaos than
disruption, and can
take even longer to
recover from.

When you're ready,
you will leave. The
most important thing
is to do it SAFELY.
(Just because an abuser
has not been physically
violent in the past, doesn't
mean that he or she,
never will be. An abuser
abuses. When an abuser
is losing his or her victim,
he or she will say or do
anything to prevent
this. Don't underestimate
what he's capable of doing.

We are all here because
we've experienced awful
things. Many of us here
have made the journey
from abuse to liiving an
abuse-free life. For most
of us, it's the greatest
challenge that we
ever faced. The
good news is,
that the journey
is not only possible,
but worth the
difficult challenge.

This community is
here to support
everyone who visits.

Please take good care
of yourself.

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.

Though I don't have kids, I agree with Ilene. You said "the chaos that my kids will be thrown into". You are wanting to leave because the chaos is already there. Your heart pounds, your mind whirs and you don't know which end is up....and you are the parent. Children to not have the ability to process things the way adults are able.
When you remodel a room you have take stuff out of the room, there are days of dust flying and your home as you know it is under siege by the project. You have days where you wonder if all this chaos is worth it. But then the last paint stroke is completed and you move the things back in the room, likely along with a few new things. From then on all you want to do is be in that room because you enjoy it so much. And months later you start to forget all the dust flying as you realize what you achieved for that time of disruption.

There is something that caught my eye in your statement. You qualified that the abuse is not physical and I felt downplayed that it is mental as though mental abuse is not as damaging. Maybe I misread your statement but that is what I heard in your words. You can feel complete validation here in the toxicity and damage of emotional/mental abuse.

There are loads of great books on there on abuse. A good book on Christian marriage is "The Emotionally Destructive Marriage" by Leslie Vernick. If you google her on youtube you will also find a series of short videos as she talks about key points in the book.

In her book she talks about preparing yourself to confront or leave. The first item in place is to know your truth. You must know this before you do anything or you will easily be charmed or bullied back into the situation. This will also help you as you learn who your "safe" people are to trust you on this journey moving forward. If you've been here awhile you will see a common thread that you will likely lose friendships over this.

But......when the life you're living at home is worse than the unknown and it leads you to decide to remove yourself and kids from the toxic environment, then you will also discover a wildflower field of freedom you never knew existed.

Hi, I am going through the same thing, and even though I left, I am still harassed through emails on almost a daily basis. I am staying strong. I think it is hard to cut the ties once you have been abused for so long, it's like all you know. I was emotionally, financially, and mentally abused for so many years and I guess what really gets me, is that when we first met, he came off as the victim, and I wanted to help him. By the time I figured out what he was, I was pregnant and became stuck. I really believe that people with narcissistic personality disorders and/or sociopaths are master manipulators, so it's not our fault that we fall for them.

Hi loribee, welcome. So sorry you are going through this. I was exactly where you are just last year. I have 2 small kids and was so worried about what it would do to them emotionally, etc.

What made me finally do it, was realizing that nothing was ever going to change and I did not want my kids to grow up thinking this was normal. I did not want my son to think this is how woman should be treated and did not want my daughter to think that it was acceptable to be treated this way.

So I moved forward and although it is very hard it is so much better and I was really shocked at how well my kids took the divorce, etc.

Not only is it not fair to you robe treated this way it is not fair for the kids to see that kind of behavior and also see their mommy so unhappy.

This group and board was a life saver for me. Everyone has been so amazingly supportive even when in the midst of my divorce I panicked and backed out to try counseling just to be sure, everyone was so supportive.

Unfortunately, I have leaned through this site, reading and through my therapist that abusive people (physical or emotional) very very rarely change.

Wishing you tons of strength and encouragement!!!!!!

I'm with you. I have kids. I'm convinced it will be better for them. First of all it sets a message that they shouldn't tolerate being abused- you could save their lives by doing that alone. Plus they get to experience abuse-free living in at least one house. Not there yet, but I'm convinced it's the best thing!

Welcome, loribee! I just want to second everything that has been said. I grew up with two abusive parents, at least one of whom I am certain was a clinical narcissist. The other may have had situational narcissism, I'm not sure... I am 31 now and still working through the effects. I also know how hard it is to be in a relationship with an abuser as a partner - I married a narcissist who also happened to be physically abusive, and have been emotionally manipulated by others whom I suspect also had that disorder or similar. At any rate, abusers.

But while many physical wounds can heal (which doesn't justify it happening!), mental and emotional scars persist often for much longer. Abuse is abuse, as Ilene said.

You are in a very abusive situation, and your children are seeing and absorbing that every day. I really wish my mother had left with me when I was younger. I might not have had the same life in every respect, but I would have been spared some of his very nasty emotional abuse as I headed towards adulthood myself. And it would have cut down dramatically on what I'm trying to recover from now.

You are so brave to be posting like this and asking for help. I hope that one day, that bravery will lead you to save yourself and your children from this abuser who trapped you. You have all of our support whenever you need it. Please stay and talk as much as you want.

(((HUGS))) xxx

Thank you all for everything you have said. I know deep down inside that I need to get out of this situation. I am working on my exit plan I just wish I could get it done faster. I have been trying to build some cash flow but it has taken longer than I want.

And I have witnessed how some people that I thought would be on my side have totally turned on me. So in this process I am finding out who I can and cannot trust. I hope to gain strength by reading and posting here with all of you. I see myself in pretty much everyone here. I am glad I have taken this step. :)