Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It's hard, but I have to do it. I originally joined Daily Strength about three months ago to post in the Breakups & Divorce group. At the time, it looked and felt like a very complicated breakup that I was experiencing. I had the rug pulled out from under me. The 1.5 year relationship had always been difficult, but when my ex-fiance contacted me a week after leaving me blindsided and ignored, I was left to assume he made a rash decision and everything would be okay.
Nearly three more months I remained in that relationship, though this time it was long-distance because he refused to come home and reinstate the engagement. The refusal wasn't the problem so much as the reasoning: "there are some things that need to change from when we were living together." That was my answer every time. Always vague, and he'd get frustrated that I didn't know what he was asking for. "I told you before," is how he'd often respond, if he'd respond at all.
During these last three months, I've been talking with friends and family more than ever. I began seeing a therapist to work on myself. My ex-fiance began contacting me less, would be less clear while talking, and would visit me very little. Something wasn't right, but he always had an excuse to stay away. He became very angry when we did speak, and he'd bait me into arguing about things that seemed strange to become a fight. I'd begin digging deeper into our conversations in my mind, and I'd realize things that weren't right but I allowed because his life was so hectic, and when I was in my young 20's I knew what it felt like to have a lot on my plate.
Finally after a conversation with my therapist a couple of weeks ago, it dawned on me that I had been experiencing emotional abuse through most of our relationship. I always knew there was abuse happening, but it wasn't until now that I had proof after catching him in a very complex lie.
Was I abusive? At times. I couldn't understand how I was becoming such a jerk to this man that was everything I could imagine in a person. I don't remember fights quite like this in my last relationship. It was then that I came across an article explaining reactive abuse. While it makes me feel less crazy, I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out.
I officially left him for the last time two weeks ago. He was screwing with my head so bad and finally I could see it clearly. A week later, he tried to mess with me even further. He video chatted me to "prove" he had an engagement ring he would have given me on Valentine's Day, had I only been more reasonable. This may be far fetched, but with how he had been treating me recently and how strange the conversation regarding this ring had gotten, I wouldn't put it past him to get a fake ring to use as a prop just to put me down. This was not a man wanting to marry me. Why would he have a ring that cost "$1,400, no wait... $2,000" in a style that looked nothing like what we had previously looked into when I thought we were "happy?" Then halfway through the conversation, we get cut off, and I haven't heard from him since.
So that was it. He knows it bothers me when he disappears or goes silent for an excessive amount of time when we're in the middle of something important. That was the last straw. He owes me a good sum of money but I have to take it as a loss just to get this crazy making behavior out of my life. I admit that I am disappointed in him when I wake up to no messages from him. But that's how he operates. He'll disappear without a word and then he'll chime in.
Hopefully this time he knows I'm on to him and stays away for good. I hate that he's gone, but I need him to stay gone, because I hated me when he was around.
Aside from just keeping strong, looking forward, and reminding myself why this man is no good for my health, what tips do you have to maintain No Contact and feeling at least okay about it?
Nearly three more months I remained in that relationship, though this time it was long-distance because he refused to come home and reinstate the engagement. The refusal wasn't the problem so much as the reasoning: "there are some things that need to change from when we were living together." That was my answer every time. Always vague, and he'd get frustrated that I didn't know what he was asking for. "I told you before," is how he'd often respond, if he'd respond at all.
During these last three months, I've been talking with friends and family more than ever. I began seeing a therapist to work on myself. My ex-fiance began contacting me less, would be less clear while talking, and would visit me very little. Something wasn't right, but he always had an excuse to stay away. He became very angry when we did speak, and he'd bait me into arguing about things that seemed strange to become a fight. I'd begin digging deeper into our conversations in my mind, and I'd realize things that weren't right but I allowed because his life was so hectic, and when I was in my young 20's I knew what it felt like to have a lot on my plate.
Finally after a conversation with my therapist a couple of weeks ago, it dawned on me that I had been experiencing emotional abuse through most of our relationship. I always knew there was abuse happening, but it wasn't until now that I had proof after catching him in a very complex lie.
Was I abusive? At times. I couldn't understand how I was becoming such a jerk to this man that was everything I could imagine in a person. I don't remember fights quite like this in my last relationship. It was then that I came across an article explaining reactive abuse. While it makes me feel less crazy, I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out.
I officially left him for the last time two weeks ago. He was screwing with my head so bad and finally I could see it clearly. A week later, he tried to mess with me even further. He video chatted me to "prove" he had an engagement ring he would have given me on Valentine's Day, had I only been more reasonable. This may be far fetched, but with how he had been treating me recently and how strange the conversation regarding this ring had gotten, I wouldn't put it past him to get a fake ring to use as a prop just to put me down. This was not a man wanting to marry me. Why would he have a ring that cost "$1,400, no wait... $2,000" in a style that looked nothing like what we had previously looked into when I thought we were "happy?" Then halfway through the conversation, we get cut off, and I haven't heard from him since.
So that was it. He knows it bothers me when he disappears or goes silent for an excessive amount of time when we're in the middle of something important. That was the last straw. He owes me a good sum of money but I have to take it as a loss just to get this crazy making behavior out of my life. I admit that I am disappointed in him when I wake up to no messages from him. But that's how he operates. He'll disappear without a word and then he'll chime in.
Hopefully this time he knows I'm on to him and stays away for good. I hate that he's gone, but I need him to stay gone, because I hated me when he was around.
Aside from just keeping strong, looking forward, and reminding myself why this man is no good for my health, what tips do you have to maintain No Contact and feeling at least okay about it?
I know it's hard - very hard. But NC is the only way to go. Blocking him in all ways possible is the best way - cell phone, FB, email, etc.
Then you won't be there when he decides to come round fishing again. It only impedes your healing.
Take care of yourself. This is time for you now.
I suggest doing Ilene's Clarifying Index cards exercise as well. Just in case, he does get through and contacts you, you will have these cards to refer to and to remind yourself of how abusive and unhealthy he is for you.
I'll find that thread and bump it for you.
Hugs,
I'm sorry you've been through this.
First of all, you can count
on him reappearing. How
do I know this?
Because unless and until
(and sometimes even after),
an abuser finds a new victim,
they'll continue to attempt to
pull the strings of the one
who's been a sure thing,
historically.
And even if he suspects
that you're "on to him,"
if anything, that just
makes the challenge
of commandeering you
again, that much more
attractive.
Second, continue with
your therapy. It's a
good thing. One day,
you won't "need him to
stay gone." One day,
when you've traveled
far enough along the
path to recovery, when
he attempts to slither
back into your awareness,
you won't actually have to
say even one word to him.
You'll ignore him. You'll
block him. You'll laugh
at his pathetic attempts
to return to the position
of abusing you. You'll
have recovered your SELF
and your repaired and
restored dignity will not
tolerate a toxic person
within your inner circle.
Last of all, keep practicing
SELF-CARE.
Life can be a wonderful
thing, but not when we're
being abused.
Love yourself.
Love your life.
Take good care.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
I don't hate him. I've always had a hard time with hate. Though I do truly believe he is "sick" in some way. He revealed a very angry person, and I know he had regret with the results he received from completely changing our lives. But that's not my fault. He has made every last decision in the last three months, aside from the final breakup. He was mad at me long before then, so I'm not going to let him come back and tell me that he's had yet another bad day or did another bad thing because of me.
Concentrate on how good and healthier you feel without his presence in your life. The more you concentrate on that the more you will want to fiercely protect it.
You are moving in the right direction. Oh, and I think you are spot on with the fake ring.