Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Okay, I'm not even sure how to phrase this, but I've been thinking a lot about how I personally got involved in a situation like this. I became the cliche--the child of a dysfunctional and abusive household; doomed to repeat the patterns. I repeated the patterns alright with a man who ended up being ten times more controlling and violent than I could ever have imagined, but in reality I was an easy mark because this chaos, turmoil, and fighting was my normal. I identified with it, and sadly as much as I swore I would never become a statistic or subject my kids to such horrors, I did just that--because it was normal and even comfortable for me. Violence and rage; neglect and horrible words=love in my twisted mind. I can see the sickness in those words now.
What I want to know is how do we end it--this cycle? I have a son who is 19 and already involved in a volatile, controlling relationship. I have two daughters who are not far from womanhood themselves. There are countless other young women I see heading down the same path, but no words or warnings seem to be enough to stave off the hell they are about to encounter. What traits, skills, experiences, etc do you think we need to foster in our children to make them immune? Or if not completely immune (because I realize there are men and women from "normal" families who become blindsided by this insidious "disease" too), how do we make them strong enough to get out before it's too late? Before the abuse destroys their ability to think and feel for themselves, and before it destroys the natural desire to protect oneself?
I was thinking this morning; I know leaving is the first step--but I realize it is only that, the first step. I have a long road ahead of me trying to "reprogram" my children to a life where this doesn't feel normal to them. I also thought about the fact that, ironically enough, my abuse detector and disrespect detector seems to be very attuned to subtle signs; so wouldn't it be better if instead of just crying about my "wasted" 18 years in this relationship, I could actually help somebody not do the same?!
Anyway, does anybody have any thoughts on this?
What I want to know is how do we end it--this cycle? I have a son who is 19 and already involved in a volatile, controlling relationship. I have two daughters who are not far from womanhood themselves. There are countless other young women I see heading down the same path, but no words or warnings seem to be enough to stave off the hell they are about to encounter. What traits, skills, experiences, etc do you think we need to foster in our children to make them immune? Or if not completely immune (because I realize there are men and women from "normal" families who become blindsided by this insidious "disease" too), how do we make them strong enough to get out before it's too late? Before the abuse destroys their ability to think and feel for themselves, and before it destroys the natural desire to protect oneself?
I was thinking this morning; I know leaving is the first step--but I realize it is only that, the first step. I have a long road ahead of me trying to "reprogram" my children to a life where this doesn't feel normal to them. I also thought about the fact that, ironically enough, my abuse detector and disrespect detector seems to be very attuned to subtle signs; so wouldn't it be better if instead of just crying about my "wasted" 18 years in this relationship, I could actually help somebody not do the same?!
Anyway, does anybody have any thoughts on this?
I hear your mindset of wanting to help others and with that mindset you can't help but affect people in a positive way. You will find that when you help others you are helping yourself. When you empower others you empower yourself.
I think it begins with making a commitment, which it sounds you are doing. A commitment to truth. A commitment to self respect. A commitment to courage.
Keep talking to your kids through all this. Show them your new awareness in a way appropriate for them. Dr Phil has said "When you know better, you do better." You were blindsided but now you know better and you ARE doing better! Good for you!
It's kind of hard to
answer your question.
There are different things
that can be taught and/or
repaired, at different ages.
The biggest lesson for me
on this subject, was the day
I spent an hour and a half
with a Holocause concentration
camp survivor. Obviously, this
man was in his older years
when I spent those ninety
minutes with him.
But what I learned from
that encounter, is that
there are injuries and
circumstances which
leave damage so deep
that the psyche can
never be fully healed.
The earlier in life that
intervention takes place,
the more chance there
is that a personality can
be rehabilitated.
So. . . . . we end the
cycle of abuse, by
living abuse-free and
modeling self-care
and healthy boundaries.
Love yourself and
take care of yourself
and you will be a
living, breathing
example of how
to be healthy
and happy.
Sending you hugs
and warmest thoughts.
So yes, that's step one. Then there is working on yourself - your self-worth, setting and maintaining boundaries, self-care. This sends the message that it is ok (even desirable) to take care of yourself. One of the greatest lessons I learned from my own dysfunctional childhood was that it was not ok to look after myself. In fact, I learned that my worth came from what I could do for others, doing anything for me was selfish and wrong. The opposite is the biggest thing I want to teach my own kid now - that his worth is intrinsic, not based on what he does for me; and that his needs and wants and desires are just as important as anyone else's.
You have also got your girls into counselling, which would have been my 3rd suggestion.
Honestly, I think you are doing as much as you can to help your own family. Do talk them through this, as Godis said - including admitting your own past mistakes - and ensure they understand that they have choices.
As for helping others, that's a wonderful thing to do and it really can help you. Most of what I myself do to help others is right here on the board. Do what works for you, but again make sure you are not doing it because your self worth depends on doing something for others. You are worthy because of who you are, not because of what you can do. You don't owe anyone anything, other than yourself. You owe yourself a chance and as much time as you need to heal.