Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been in utter hell for the past two year with intense emotional abuse, lies and manipulation from my soon-to-be ex wife.
It was so bad that I ended up ODing in October from all the stress. I was in a coma for three days.
Since I got out of the hospital everything had gotten worse. I've always had to keep an eye on my wife, so she did't self-harm or start doing drugs again (mainly cocaine).
It was to a point to where I had to run my home like a mental hospital. I had to hide every knife, razor and pill that was in the apt. I had to battle with her to take her medication every morning and every night. She is psychotic with personality disorders, so her doctor says. I was on the phone with crisis service every day for her threatening to harm/kill herself. I had to sit in the bathroom every time she shaved, so she didn't take the razor apart and start cutting herself. She heard voices, saw things... When she was upset she'd lock herself in a room and slam her head against the wall. And that is just touching the surface of the mental hell.
I allowed myself to be control by her. I couldn't wear make-up or dress nice without her getting all pissed off, saying, "WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS?!" I wasn't "allowed" to talk to any of my friend or family, nor was I able to leave the house without her demanding that she come as well.
Long story short, she took just enough Tylenol to where she didn't OD, but was seeking attention. That night, before that happened, I had actually started to trust her again...
I called crisis services and they didn't take her (she refused to get help from the mental hospital). I had called my therapist and a domestic violence line for advice earlier in the day, for some advice. Every person I had spoken to about this had told me to get out ASAP! So, when she took the meds, and told her SISTER to call me with a FAKE STORY about her "friend" had taken 2000mg of Tylenol, as to what the side effects would be. I'm not stupid, I knew she was talking about my wife. I reached my breaking point. I kicked her out. I kept calm, didn't yell or cry- or anything like that. I just told her that I had taken too much stress from her. Not until her mother came to pick her up, and she walked out the door, did I let myself cry. I just collapsed on my sofa and balled my eyes out.
It's been a little over a month since then, and I am in the process of finding myself again. But I can't seem to shake all of the bad memories out of my head. I've fallen into a pretty bad depression. Out of all the friend I had to push away because of her, only a few would talk to me again. I am just starting to make new friends.
There is so much more I could go into detail about, but I it would take hours to read.
My question is: How go about this whole divorce process? Do any of you have tips as to how to cope with all the stress? Is it normal to feel guilty, even though you did the right thing for yourself? Did the abusive person in your life try to wiggle back into it with pity parties?
I'm so lost right now. I've spent my whole life taking care of other people and not even thinking about myself. I really don't even know who I am anymore.
Advice, please?
It was so bad that I ended up ODing in October from all the stress. I was in a coma for three days.
Since I got out of the hospital everything had gotten worse. I've always had to keep an eye on my wife, so she did't self-harm or start doing drugs again (mainly cocaine).
It was to a point to where I had to run my home like a mental hospital. I had to hide every knife, razor and pill that was in the apt. I had to battle with her to take her medication every morning and every night. She is psychotic with personality disorders, so her doctor says. I was on the phone with crisis service every day for her threatening to harm/kill herself. I had to sit in the bathroom every time she shaved, so she didn't take the razor apart and start cutting herself. She heard voices, saw things... When she was upset she'd lock herself in a room and slam her head against the wall. And that is just touching the surface of the mental hell.
I allowed myself to be control by her. I couldn't wear make-up or dress nice without her getting all pissed off, saying, "WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS?!" I wasn't "allowed" to talk to any of my friend or family, nor was I able to leave the house without her demanding that she come as well.
Long story short, she took just enough Tylenol to where she didn't OD, but was seeking attention. That night, before that happened, I had actually started to trust her again...
I called crisis services and they didn't take her (she refused to get help from the mental hospital). I had called my therapist and a domestic violence line for advice earlier in the day, for some advice. Every person I had spoken to about this had told me to get out ASAP! So, when she took the meds, and told her SISTER to call me with a FAKE STORY about her "friend" had taken 2000mg of Tylenol, as to what the side effects would be. I'm not stupid, I knew she was talking about my wife. I reached my breaking point. I kicked her out. I kept calm, didn't yell or cry- or anything like that. I just told her that I had taken too much stress from her. Not until her mother came to pick her up, and she walked out the door, did I let myself cry. I just collapsed on my sofa and balled my eyes out.
It's been a little over a month since then, and I am in the process of finding myself again. But I can't seem to shake all of the bad memories out of my head. I've fallen into a pretty bad depression. Out of all the friend I had to push away because of her, only a few would talk to me again. I am just starting to make new friends.
There is so much more I could go into detail about, but I it would take hours to read.
My question is: How go about this whole divorce process? Do any of you have tips as to how to cope with all the stress? Is it normal to feel guilty, even though you did the right thing for yourself? Did the abusive person in your life try to wiggle back into it with pity parties?
I'm so lost right now. I've spent my whole life taking care of other people and not even thinking about myself. I really don't even know who I am anymore.
Advice, please?
You are probably feeling stressed out from all the trauma. See a therapist or counselor. You might even ask your doctor for some temporary medication to help you ease the healing process.
Friends who were invested in you as a friend will come around. I consider the difficult times in life (such as what you are going through) to have a silver lining in that you really do know who your friends are then.
Best of luck to you. Be good to yourself.
Take comfort in knowing that you did your best.
The stages:
Shock/Denial
Pain/Guilt
Anger/Bargaining
Depression/Reflection/loneliness
Upward Turn
Reconstruction/Working through
Acceptance
Yes the guilt is normal - you can not hurry it along - you have to ride the waves, sort of like surfing to get through each phase. Feel the feelings and have confidence that you will come out the other side eventually.
Not knowing who we are is very common when we leave abusers, we became enmeshed without realizing it. Their needs became our sole purpose in life and leaving that person nearly takes our reason for existing and the meaning of life away - for a while. By giving ourselves time to heal and time to listen to our own internal stirrings that may have been silenced or suppressed to near non existence do we learn to love ourselves and find who we truly are at our core. It is a wonderful journey you are now embarking on, it may feel dark and scary but the dark and scary times are behind you. You now get to concentrate on what you need and how to create peace, harmony and balance in your life before adding another person to the mix.
I guarantee the quality of the next relationship will be much improved if you do the hard work of getting to know and properly care for yourself.
I will you well and hope your journey leads you to some new awareness of the caring person that you are.
(((((Hugs)))))
It takes a lot longer than a month to recover from the situation you describe. Good on you for making that first month, tho'!
Are you in any type of counseling? Sure couldn't hurt, and i agree with OSJ that a bit of medication may aid you through the divorce process and the stress involved.
Yes, it's "normal" to feel guilty even if you did the best thing for yourself. You've been such a long time nurse/babysitter that you're all over the map right now, and, as you've written, you've lost yourself in the process. It's OK to take care of YOU!
& yes, many abusers try to get back with pity parties and other mind games. Read the many postings here and you'll find many similar tales. It's just a mindgame.
Your soon to be ex sounds in need of some serious help. More help than a regular person on their own can or should even try to provide, and your life was seriously affected.
You have to get back to the land of the normal, and take care of yourself, with patience towards yourself. You've lived a very tense and dramatic and scary life for quite a while, and that does affect the mind. You have to give yourself time...and a LOT of self care...to get back on an even keel.
A person can get addicted to drama, and the adrenaline rushes. That's why a therapist/counselor trained to deal with victims of abuse is so helpful, and a good medical consultation wouldn't hurt.
I give you SO much credit in saving yourself, you'll never know. VERY brave and smart of you, IMHO.
GL&TC! {{hugz}}
I have a bunch of recordings of her flipping out on me, on my cell phone. Yesterday/last night I was feeling super guilty and was second guessing myself. Thank GOD I kept those recordings! They snapped me right back to reality. But, with listen to those, I had a LOT of flashbacks.
I had to see two times this past week. One, so we could file our taxes, since we can't afford to get divorced right now. Two, her sister was kind enough (very strange, might I add) to buy my cat some food, toilet paper and me some femm care products. I wouldn't have accepted the help if I had any other way to afford anything. I didn't ask for help, my sister-in-law just went and did it for me. She was going to give me cash, but I told her no. I don't want something held over my head. I'd rather be dirt poor!
I still love, and miss, the person I thought I married. I have changed a lot in the past two years, and she seems to have not budged an inch. As soon as I kicked her out she slept with some guy. That makes me question how long has she been talking to other people?! She also went out and started doing coke again... Etc...
BUT, She said, in the past, if I were to leave her, she'd kill herself. She's still alive enough to almost die from ODing on coke and to spread her legs for just about anyone.
Don't get me wrong, I had one little fling since I kicked her out, but we decided to stay friends with nothing else involved. I met this new friend from an online dating site (Which the account is now deleted) and this person is more kind to me than someone has been in years. It actually really confuses me and makes me kinda emotional when people are nice to me. I just don't know how to process it!
I am going to stay strong and work on myself (just like the lovely advice y'all gave me) and not date anyone else until the divorce is final. I only want to date a person who is at the same level as me, and I'm not on the level I belong at right now. I start school again in the Fall. I had to quit because my ex would get so upset that I had to leave every day and start talking about hurting herself, so I just dropped out. I had a 3.999 GPA! I'll be dammed if anyone/anything gets in the way of my schooling again!
I am very lucky that my ex's "voices" never told her to kill me. I was actually getting pretty scared for my own safety a week before I kicked her out.
Sorry for rambling, I just don't have anyone else to open up about this with.
It's great that you already plan to go back to school in the Fall! :) Especially with such obvious intelligence! The world needs more of you, IMHO! May i ask what you're studying?
It was very wise of you to save those recordings, tho' i understand how they cause flashbacks at the same time. It's kind of like you're doing the audio version of Ilene's index cards. Aids to remind us of what led us to move on to begin with.
You strike me as a very insightful, smart, NICE person. I'm glad you got yourself out of the drama and into a space of safety. I'm glad you know that you gotta "do you" right now. I'm glad you have plans for your future. I'm glad you'll get to go back to school and that you'll get to ENJOY, IN JOY, the experiences there.
I find you inspirational! :)
TC! {{hugz}}