Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been married to my husband for over 19 years. We have 3 kids together. He has always been a bit of a drinker but over the last 9 years or so, the alcoholic in him has turned verbally abusive.
A little background is probably necessary. We married in 1996. We tried having a baby right away but were unsuccessful. We went through fertility testing and fertility drugs and still no baby. I was told to prepare for never being able to conceive because I was not ovulating regularly. We decided I would go back to college and then after I graduated we would look into other options. Second semester in, I found out I was pregnant. February 1999 we had a healthy baby boy and October 2000 we had a healthy baby girl. I immediately went back to nursing school but was getting very sick. It took nearly 3 years for the doctors to diagnose me with Lupus. May 2004, I graduated with my nursing degree and started me dream job in a pediatric hospital. Most of my days were good Lupus days and I was functioning pretty normal, other than some swelling and mild joint pain and fatigue...but then I had 2 kids, was working full time night shift and was busy. In 2002 I found out I was pregnant but ended up losing the baby at 13 weeks. We decided not to have any more kids but in 2006 we had a baby boy.
The verbal abuse was minimal. Mostly just picking at the meals I would cook and say they were not good enough or accusing me of wanting to dump him for a doctor.
Almost immediately after I had the baby, I got violently ill. I went into autoimmune pancreatitis and autoimmune hepatitis. As a result, I became insulin dependent diabetic with portal hypertension. My body felt like it had been run over by a semi and dragged for miles and I had overwhelming fatigue. I kept working 12 hour shifts in a busy pediatric emergency room and kept my house immaculate. This was no easy task because I felt lousy but I am not a quitter.
March 2012, my nurse manager and a hospital administrator called me in for a meeting. They said they were starting to realize that I was too sick to be working in a pediatric ER and placed me on medical leave. I requested the hospital help me find something less physically demanding but they refused and in September 2012, the terminated my employment.
What does this all have to do with abuse? When I was diagnosed, my husband did not handle it well at all. He said that he was preparing for me to die and him to have to raise the kids alone. He started drinking heavily and blaming me for having the nerve to get sick on him. He would never go to doctors appointments with me and wanted nothing to do with learning about my disease or ways to cope. He stayed in the basement from the time he got home from work until he passed out and drank.
If my house is not perfectly clean and a meal is not a full course meal, he gets pissed. There is no excuse for an unclean home, even if I can barely walk that day. He feels that since I am not working, we should have a perfect home and meal all the time.
As the drinking got worse, I have been called: Bitch, whore, fat lazy slob and he told our children that "she is nothing but a babysitter".
I tried everything to get him to stop. I tried crying, begging, ignoring, marriage counseling...nothing worked. He spends over $600 a month on alcohol and we can barely pay our bills.
A little over a week ago, I filed for divorce. The court sent the papers certified mail on Wednesday but he was at work. Friday, he refused to go get the certified letter because "certified letters are nothing but bad news".
Yesterday he asked if I knew what the letter was about so I told him I filed for divorce. He was very quiet all day yesterday and avoided me but did talk with the kids. I told him I am not going to screw him over and take him for everything he has or take the kids away from him but that I don't have the energy to fight Lupus and his abuse any more and since I can't get rid of Lupus, I had to get rid of this abuse.
My heart breaks for him because I know we are his world but he is unwilling to change his behavior and no amount of promises he makes now that he knows I am done will make me trust him again. In fact, I don't know if I will ever trust another man again.
I have anxiety attacks every time I hear him pop a beer can open.
His mom died when he was a baby and he was raised by a physically and verbally abusive father. His father died a year before we married but not before being rotten towards me. The cycle seems to have continued but it stops now!! I will not allow my boys to ever treat a woman the way he treats me and I will never allow my daughter to think it is acceptable to be treated this way by anyone! Not a man and certainly not her father. This is not ok!!
As I re-read what I just typed, I sound so strong. If you only knew how untrue that is!
A little background is probably necessary. We married in 1996. We tried having a baby right away but were unsuccessful. We went through fertility testing and fertility drugs and still no baby. I was told to prepare for never being able to conceive because I was not ovulating regularly. We decided I would go back to college and then after I graduated we would look into other options. Second semester in, I found out I was pregnant. February 1999 we had a healthy baby boy and October 2000 we had a healthy baby girl. I immediately went back to nursing school but was getting very sick. It took nearly 3 years for the doctors to diagnose me with Lupus. May 2004, I graduated with my nursing degree and started me dream job in a pediatric hospital. Most of my days were good Lupus days and I was functioning pretty normal, other than some swelling and mild joint pain and fatigue...but then I had 2 kids, was working full time night shift and was busy. In 2002 I found out I was pregnant but ended up losing the baby at 13 weeks. We decided not to have any more kids but in 2006 we had a baby boy.
The verbal abuse was minimal. Mostly just picking at the meals I would cook and say they were not good enough or accusing me of wanting to dump him for a doctor.
Almost immediately after I had the baby, I got violently ill. I went into autoimmune pancreatitis and autoimmune hepatitis. As a result, I became insulin dependent diabetic with portal hypertension. My body felt like it had been run over by a semi and dragged for miles and I had overwhelming fatigue. I kept working 12 hour shifts in a busy pediatric emergency room and kept my house immaculate. This was no easy task because I felt lousy but I am not a quitter.
March 2012, my nurse manager and a hospital administrator called me in for a meeting. They said they were starting to realize that I was too sick to be working in a pediatric ER and placed me on medical leave. I requested the hospital help me find something less physically demanding but they refused and in September 2012, the terminated my employment.
What does this all have to do with abuse? When I was diagnosed, my husband did not handle it well at all. He said that he was preparing for me to die and him to have to raise the kids alone. He started drinking heavily and blaming me for having the nerve to get sick on him. He would never go to doctors appointments with me and wanted nothing to do with learning about my disease or ways to cope. He stayed in the basement from the time he got home from work until he passed out and drank.
If my house is not perfectly clean and a meal is not a full course meal, he gets pissed. There is no excuse for an unclean home, even if I can barely walk that day. He feels that since I am not working, we should have a perfect home and meal all the time.
As the drinking got worse, I have been called: Bitch, whore, fat lazy slob and he told our children that "she is nothing but a babysitter".
I tried everything to get him to stop. I tried crying, begging, ignoring, marriage counseling...nothing worked. He spends over $600 a month on alcohol and we can barely pay our bills.
A little over a week ago, I filed for divorce. The court sent the papers certified mail on Wednesday but he was at work. Friday, he refused to go get the certified letter because "certified letters are nothing but bad news".
Yesterday he asked if I knew what the letter was about so I told him I filed for divorce. He was very quiet all day yesterday and avoided me but did talk with the kids. I told him I am not going to screw him over and take him for everything he has or take the kids away from him but that I don't have the energy to fight Lupus and his abuse any more and since I can't get rid of Lupus, I had to get rid of this abuse.
My heart breaks for him because I know we are his world but he is unwilling to change his behavior and no amount of promises he makes now that he knows I am done will make me trust him again. In fact, I don't know if I will ever trust another man again.
I have anxiety attacks every time I hear him pop a beer can open.
His mom died when he was a baby and he was raised by a physically and verbally abusive father. His father died a year before we married but not before being rotten towards me. The cycle seems to have continued but it stops now!! I will not allow my boys to ever treat a woman the way he treats me and I will never allow my daughter to think it is acceptable to be treated this way by anyone! Not a man and certainly not her father. This is not ok!!
As I re-read what I just typed, I sound so strong. If you only knew how untrue that is!
because ----- though you
don't actually feel it -----
you are, indeed,
astoundingly strong.
This:
800-934-9840
is the number for your
state's women's resources.
Please call them.
There's support
for you there.
Also, you might want
to consider Al-anon.
This:
http://www.ohioal-anon.org/
is your state's al-anon
website which will help
connect you with your
local chapter.
You don't have to
go through this alone.
And I see from the
date on your profile
that you registered
on D.S. awhile back,
so you know that
there's support
for you here, as well.
If you and your children
were his world, he would
not have been abusing
you for all these years.
And frankly, alcohol is
not the major issue here.
He was emotionally injured
as a child by being motherless
and then parented by an
abusive father. What happened
to him in his childhood is not
his fault. What he did and
didn't do as an adult ---- is.
Please take very good
care of yourself and
your children.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days ahead.
I also second Ilene's suggestion that you call that women's resource number and get some help with a plan to leave, even if it's "just in case" of an emergency. An abuser who knows his victim is planning to leave (which he now knows since receiving the divorce papers), is unpredictable and at high risk for becoming volatile. I worked closely with a counselor who could think rationally when I didn't have my wits about me, and helped me tremendously in my plans to leave. Now that your husband knows, he may act in any number of ways, which might require a plan of action on your part to keep you and your children safe. I wish you continued strength in your journey to freedom and send lots of hugs.