Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Last month, I had a huge argument with the guy I was with, and it FINALLY caused a break up. So yes, I am finally free of this abusive a-hole. But what I still don't understand, is how some people can act the way they do (be controlling, abusive, etc) and think that they are justified.
The reason he and I had a huge argument? It was over a MOVIE (Jurassic World). I liked the movie and enjoyed the references they made to the original Jurassic Park movie. He thought the movie was stupid, and said that it was scientifically inaccurate, that dinosaurs are supposed to have feathers. So I simply thought that we were having a discussion about a movie, and just had different opinions (which is what NORMAL people do). So I said that it was explained in the movie why the dinosaurs don't look the way they are supposed to, and said that I think the T-Rex in the movie is supposed to be the same T-Rex from the original. So he couldn't very well have grown feathers in the last 20 years.
Well my ex blew up, got psychotically angry said that I was "stupidly arguing" with him. I was so shocked...never in my life had I encountered someone who got angry because we had a difference in opinion (especially about something as stupid as a monster movie).
He started mocking me, saying "oh you like it because you liked the original as a kid, and you think that they paid homage to it. You are part of 85% of the population that's stupid!".
Really? I am stupid because I liked a movie? (FYI everytime he got angry, which was a lot, he always called me stupid. His excuse is because I am not stupid, it isn't abuse. He's just saying it to get a reaction).
Well, after a year and a half of this constant abuse (yelling at me and calling me stupid for things like suggesting the wrong potato, or having shoelaces that were too long, or accusing me of looking at other guys, etc). So I told him that he's part of 1% of the population that's a psychopath (which my colleague at work told me I shouldn't have done...people like this do not like to be told that they are crazy. But I was so mad).
So we just had a huge argument over everything...he criticized me about past sexual partners (ones that I was with BEFORE I even knew him), he grabbed my stomach and showed me my "belly fat", and told me in 10 years he will still be better looking than me.
So I again told him he was crazy, and that's why he didn't have any friends (which is true, he had no other friends except me). I told him that he can't get along with people, and that's why his band kicked him out (which is true, his band kicked him out for being a control freak, and they told him it was stressful to be around him).
So even though he is gone, I still can't wrap my head around how he thinks it's ok to act like this? How intense does a person's need of control have to be to get crazy angry because his girlfriend disagreed with him about a movie?
Do these people know how crazy and ridiculous and controlling they are?
I was with him once when he started yelling at a woman in a parking lot, and she called 911 (I've only ever seen him yell at women, btw). So someone has actually called the cops on him.
Anyways, I am glad he is gone (during our last fight, he said that if I don't shut up, he will destroy my face). But I still don't get why a person can be like this, and not realize that THEY are wrong (to him, it's everyone else, particularly women, that's the problem).
The reason he and I had a huge argument? It was over a MOVIE (Jurassic World). I liked the movie and enjoyed the references they made to the original Jurassic Park movie. He thought the movie was stupid, and said that it was scientifically inaccurate, that dinosaurs are supposed to have feathers. So I simply thought that we were having a discussion about a movie, and just had different opinions (which is what NORMAL people do). So I said that it was explained in the movie why the dinosaurs don't look the way they are supposed to, and said that I think the T-Rex in the movie is supposed to be the same T-Rex from the original. So he couldn't very well have grown feathers in the last 20 years.
Well my ex blew up, got psychotically angry said that I was "stupidly arguing" with him. I was so shocked...never in my life had I encountered someone who got angry because we had a difference in opinion (especially about something as stupid as a monster movie).
He started mocking me, saying "oh you like it because you liked the original as a kid, and you think that they paid homage to it. You are part of 85% of the population that's stupid!".
Really? I am stupid because I liked a movie? (FYI everytime he got angry, which was a lot, he always called me stupid. His excuse is because I am not stupid, it isn't abuse. He's just saying it to get a reaction).
Well, after a year and a half of this constant abuse (yelling at me and calling me stupid for things like suggesting the wrong potato, or having shoelaces that were too long, or accusing me of looking at other guys, etc). So I told him that he's part of 1% of the population that's a psychopath (which my colleague at work told me I shouldn't have done...people like this do not like to be told that they are crazy. But I was so mad).
So we just had a huge argument over everything...he criticized me about past sexual partners (ones that I was with BEFORE I even knew him), he grabbed my stomach and showed me my "belly fat", and told me in 10 years he will still be better looking than me.
So I again told him he was crazy, and that's why he didn't have any friends (which is true, he had no other friends except me). I told him that he can't get along with people, and that's why his band kicked him out (which is true, his band kicked him out for being a control freak, and they told him it was stressful to be around him).
So even though he is gone, I still can't wrap my head around how he thinks it's ok to act like this? How intense does a person's need of control have to be to get crazy angry because his girlfriend disagreed with him about a movie?
Do these people know how crazy and ridiculous and controlling they are?
I was with him once when he started yelling at a woman in a parking lot, and she called 911 (I've only ever seen him yell at women, btw). So someone has actually called the cops on him.
Anyways, I am glad he is gone (during our last fight, he said that if I don't shut up, he will destroy my face). But I still don't get why a person can be like this, and not realize that THEY are wrong (to him, it's everyone else, particularly women, that's the problem).
Your analysis of the situation seems accurate to me and I found this paragraph to be the key:
"
Really? I am stupid because I liked a movie? (FYI everytime he got angry, which was a lot, he always called me stupid. His excuse is because I am not stupid, it isn't abuse. He's just saying it to get a reaction). ""
This is emotional/ psychological abuse. He is losing control, perhaps afraid of being wrong or perceived as stupid, so he puts it on you to get a reaction as he said, probably an emotional one.
People who manifest these behaviors are usually under arrested emotional development and they keep repeating patterns.
I am also glad he is gone and now you can detox from him.
His rationalization of abusive behavior can be very confusing. But it's part of some personality disorder for sure.
He sounds like a psycho-narcissistic-sociopath AND a coward since he only picks on women. (of course I'm not diagnosing here - it's JMHO)
I am very glad you are away from him. He is not just emotionally and verbally abusive, he is also physically abusive. Grabbing your belly in the context that he did AND threatening to destroy your face IS PHYSICAL ABUSE.
Please do not let your guard down. Make sure you stay safe. If you haven't already, go complete No Contact and block him from email, phone and social media. If he had any access to your home, care, etc., change your locks &/or get an alarm system. (You just never know w/these abusers, so better safe than sorry.)
Also, please contact your local women's shelter and ask about individual and group counseling. (counseling can help you get past the wondering why abusers do what they do.) Many shelters offer this for free. Also ask them for other ways to stay safe.
Finally, take good care of yourself.
~healing hugs~
Good luck!
I can talk forever about his issues and overanalyze why he did the things he did...but my therapist reminded me to refocus on myself. Who cares what he did or didn't do, who cares why he did the things he did. None of that matters. Stay in your OWN property zone. This is what I have to remind myself everyday.
Another thing that helps me is remembering that I only have to get through today. Take it one day at a time. It makes it a little easier and less overwhelming. I tend to live in the past and the future a lot, and that just keeps me in my anxiety and depression.
Addressing your question:
Do these people know how crazy and ridiculous and controlling they are?
Some don't "know."
Their complex and
convoluted psychological
framework successfully
"protect" them from
reality.
Some of them know
but their convoluted
psychological framework
convinces them that
anything and everything
they do, they're ENTITLED
to do. . . . . . because
. . . . . because of
anything and everything
they can think of,
whether it's rational
or not.
They are
damaged people.
Sadly
damaged people
damage people.
In regards to whether
some of his abuses
were physical abuse,
my perspective is that
grabbing your stomach
was physical abuse.
Threatening to
destroy your face
was verbal and
emotional abuse.
Knowing that he's
already both an
emotional
AND physical abuser,
the threat of physical
abuse has to be
taken as a
PROMISE
of FURTHER
physical abuse.
You did well to
get free of this
dangerous man.
STAY SAFE.
Before I end, I have
to address what you
wrote in your final
paragraph:
But I still don't get why a person can be like this, and not realize that THEY are wrong
I hope I answered this,
at least in part, above.
In case I didn't, I'll end
by saying that they don't
know because they've
spent their life convincing
themself that they'r
ENTITLED to do
whatever it takes
to keep THEMSELF
in the position of
ultimate power.
The only safe place
to be, in relation to
these people is
NOWHERE NEAR THEM.
I hope you're doing
every possible thing
to support and
enhance
your recovery.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
the future you
desire.
Take good care.