Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I hate this feeling. Feeling like no one cares. Feeling like I could literally fall off the face of the earth and it would most likely take a week before someone actually noticed.
I want to be strong enough on my own. Strong, secure and content enough with ME that it doesn't matter that my phone hasn't rung in days. That it doesn't matter that it feels like certain people in my life are purposely avoiding me to avoid hearing the pain I am going through.
The tears are back. Well, at least I had one day of relief.
I want to matter, mostly to myself.
I will have to say the one big upside of being in my relationship is that there was no time to self reflect, to evaluate where I am at in terms of my esteem and confidence. Take the abuse away, though, it here I am left to face the faulty canvas on my life and to figure out on my own how to repaint and fix it back up.
Just rambling...
I want to be strong enough on my own. Strong, secure and content enough with ME that it doesn't matter that my phone hasn't rung in days. That it doesn't matter that it feels like certain people in my life are purposely avoiding me to avoid hearing the pain I am going through.
The tears are back. Well, at least I had one day of relief.
I want to matter, mostly to myself.
I will have to say the one big upside of being in my relationship is that there was no time to self reflect, to evaluate where I am at in terms of my esteem and confidence. Take the abuse away, though, it here I am left to face the faulty canvas on my life and to figure out on my own how to repaint and fix it back up.
Just rambling...
caring and lots of
healing love.
The big upside of NOT being in a relationship, especially with him, is you now have the time to self-reflect, and evaluate where you are in terms of self esteem and confidence.
You do matter, and I so want you to matter to yourself too. Let the tears fall. I used to try to push mine aside too. I didn't want to feel all the ugly emotions involved, but once I did and got them out of the way, I was one step closer to finding myself.
Thinking of you!
That is true in my relationship too, until now, and it is most definitely NOT an upside. I see that as part of how I got here. I live with a narcissist and 2 small children who are supposed to be all about themselves (the kids, that is!) Somewhere along the way I definitely lost myself, stopped taking care of myself (but took excellent care of the narcissist's ego and my two darling kids).
Part of taking care of myself has always been time to reflect, to figure out why I'm feeling a certain way. I haven't left my husband yet but I know I'm going to. Almost all I've been doing since I realized his abuse is reflecting and feeling. It's HARD. The feelings are heavy, deep and intense. I take breaks, I have to because I'm compartmentalizing for my children to be able to see me as strong and stable. When I won't see them for a few hours I allow myself to "go there", to the place where I feel so crushed and vulnerable right now.
To feel better, I have a new hobby. I've always loved doing artistic things but have zero natural talent. I bought a paint by number off Amazon and I've been loving it. I play music that suits my mood and paint away. I've spent time doing my fingernails and toenails, something that has rarely gotten done in 8 years for lack of time. I've been journaling on here and along with some books I bought about emotional abuse. Today I enjoyed a massage and gave myself a little workout. It feels good to focus on me for a change.
And I have given myself total permission to cry. I'm a wreck a lot of the time. The guy I thought was going to be my life partner, till the end, is not going to be. I thought I was all done with the dating world and I never imagined myself as a single mom. I've always admired single mothers, but never thought I'd be one. I thought I had "figured out" all my issues before I got married, knew that I would continue to work at them, but thought I finally picked a good one. Well I was wrong on that one.
People care here. I come here for support for my issues and also to offer anything I think might be helpful for someone else. I'm sorry you're struggling but you'll find you are stronger soon. Hugs
What I meant about the good part of being in the relationship is that I was so focused on the incredible shift in his demeanor and behavior towards me that I didn't even have time or thought to think about the damage it was doing to me mentally and spiritually. I was too focused on trying to "fix" the problem.
Now that I am out, the damage is staring right at me every time I look in the mirror....whenever I have downtime and start to think too much about my future...every time I think, for even a brief second, about the dream I lost (not him necessarily but the farm and friends we shared).
I do allow myself to cry, but sometimes it becomes too much. It's a beautiful time of year where I live...but sometimes I feel so stuck that I don't allow myself to enjoy it.
On days like today...I rely on baby steps. Eat something...baby step...take a shower...baby step....run a few errands...baby step.
I so want a fruitful, happy peaceful existence on again. But on days like today I have serious doubts if that will ever happen for me.
Thanks for the encouraging words everyone.
Interesting what you say about self-reflection. It can be scary. But it is an important part of healing. I have notice since I got out that, although there was a lot of drama from the divorce, sometimes I would get myself into crazy situations with more drama. Almost like I was doing it on purpose so I wouldn't have to think! Like some kind of escape. I sometimes think I married my husband just so I wouldn't have to think about myself and what's inside my heart, but could focus on him and giving him a great life.
The flip side of the coin is my exH who is totally addicted to drama, always has been. My theory is that he also cannot stand to look inside, probably worse than me. That's not even a goal of his. He keeps his life paced fast, makes marathon trips, does extreme sports and generally keeps his life crazy fast. He is trying to escape himself. (My theory based on knowing him really well.)
Anyway, the point of the ramble is, that if we really want to heal, we need to stop the insanity, sit down, and dare to look inside. I'm still not quite there yet, but I have dared to reduce the drama in my life, which is a big step in the right direction.
It may be a small comfort, be we here on the board care about you. Chin up. xx
The people who hurt us and indirectly led us to this board did not give us love and honor in the manner we were looking for. I fthey are looking for us when we fall of the edge of the earth it is not to mourn us or spend time with our family and friends while they mourn us.....
(I know that sounds morbid, but I truly do believe that my spouse would not even know who or how to call my family if I died...and I realized that when i was nearly ready to kill myself 3 years ago to try to please him----which is even a more morbid thought) but it was the fact that he did not even know any of my family members contact info and did not want it....that made me stop and think if death would even affect him.
You are important.... go be with people...you don't have to talk to them... you can just watch and you will see ....people take notice but may not want to intrude your space...people see you and I bet even strangers will notice if you are smiling or not....some might offer you a smile....because people are intrinsically nice! (I just remembered that from my trip to a big city last week) .. The people on this board are right -even though I fight their suggestions at times--- we have to go out an experience life all anew!
The Simon and Garfunkel song "American Dream" with the lyrics..
I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease..
I don't know a Dream that's not been shattered
Or driven to it's knees.
Those lyrics always comfort me.
keep moving forward. no matter how small of steps you're taking.
If you haven't already.. check out the book "The Four Agreements"
Hang in there!
But you know, you ARE strong enough on your own. And if you keep working on you as you have been, you will also be secure and content whether your phone rings or not. I know that, for me, I'm now happy most of the time, despite my phone not ringing. ;-)