Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am so upset I could scream. It is as though my biggest fear has become a reality. I am buying out my ex N from the house we own together. I needed documentation from his in order to refinance and tried calling him last night. He ignored my calls and got back to me via e-mail from work this morning. He claimed that he felt his new gf needs his undivided attention when they are together and that is why he didn't responded. He claims he learned a tough lesson with me about giving someone all of their attention and he doesnt want to make the same mistake with her that he made with me. And then he told me about her bringing his dog (used to be OUR dog) to the groomer yesterday and buying him a new dog bed. This is all driving me crazy. I am so afraid that I had to be tortured by him and leave him in order for him to learn how to be a good significant other. I had to suffer so this new gf who is 14 years younger than him could get the man I always wanted. How is this fair?!?!? Why did I have to endure weeks of the silent treatment and abuse until I had to leave so that he could learn how to treat a woman right? I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.
He is still an abuser, as evidenced by his actions, and abusers cannot take care of the needs of anyone but themselves. If he was not an abuser still, he would not tell you all that crap about the gf, and the dog, because he KNOWS damn well how that will effect you. He SAYS he "wants to give her undivided attention" but his actions SHOW he's still abusive, so you can bet he's still abusing her too. He may not be giving her his "undivided attention" in any way, shape or form, you can't possibly KNOW that-it's just what he's telling you that he knows will hurt you, but what you DO know, by his actions, is he is still the same old SOB you left!
This fear you have-has NOT come true. Reality check this hon, you made the right decision, he will only mean misery to any woman unfortunate enough to be with him.
Don't let him continue to abuse you without even being there - curling up in a ball and crying is letting him have power over you when he is not even present.
However keep in mind that he will continue to see you as supply if you continue to contact him. Maybe there are things you still need to and that's understandable, but get that away and let him be. Try not to think about what he's doing with his new supply or what they are doing together. Every chance you get to talk to him will only open new wounds and he knows just how to get to your vulnerable spots. He did it to you by sharing information about the dog. That is his sick game. He has a vengeful spirit and will always want to "get back at you." Especially if you left HIM because he probably never thought you would! It's feeding his EGO that he's the best guy out there and women can't seem to let him go or get enough of him. Believe me he's going to BRAG about this to the day he grows old. He is still using abusive tactics to hurt you. So if you can, get business done with him then maintain no contact as best you can.
You know it is okay to feel your emotions. Cry, scream and beat a pillow if you need too. Nothing good comes from keeping it in while trying to show the world you are being strong and that it doesn't bother you. Sooner or later, those bottled up emotions will erupt from you then you might do or say something you wished you hadn't either to the abuser or to someone who is not associated to the situation. This is what they call the grieving process. You cannot run from it after you "loose" a relationship like this, no matter how bad it was. To you it did mean something. Just like it did for mine. In the beginning I tried not to let those emotions affect me and I acted like I was all brave for leaving the ex N. That lasted for only a month then reality hit me and I finally had to curl up in a ball and cry. But the important part is not to stay in that pain for too long. Acknowledge your feelings then pick yourself up and start working on you to unravel all the abuse, and start healing. These things comes in waves. You won't always be happy and free all the time. The mind is a battlefield and we have to learn to undo old belief systems and strongholds the abuser placed in us. There will be days of missing the good times and him and days of remembering the bad. There has to be a balance between the two or else it leaves you stuck and in a mess emotionally.
You are not giving him power over you when you cry and feel hurt. You are acknowledging an emotional decision to leave the abuse and getting yourself well. For people in abusive relationship, leaving is the hardest thing to do. It is very emotional. Just don't let it drag you too far down, because that's when you are giving him power and control to say "See...you are nothing without me, you can't move on without being a complete mess each day, you need ME." Everyone is different when it comes to healing. The important thing to remember is never bottle up your feelings. Releasing what you kept inside for so long is only the beginning to a new, healthier you. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs to you, you can do this : )
What he is doing is just a cheap show to hurt you - thus proving absolutely that he has NOT changed, he has NOT become the man you always wanted. Was the man you wanted cruel to those he had already tortured? Would the man you wanted be the type to open and pour salt into someone's wounds just because he could? Surely not.
He's not the man you wanted, he's learned nothing and changed not a jot. As Qwit said, maybe he's treating her well now (or maybe he isn't, as can't said, they lie), but either way, he's still a cruel, vindictive man, and if she's not seeing that side of him now, it's only a matter of time before she does. And if she leaves him, he'll tell her that the NEXT one is being treated the opposite of whatever it was that upset her most.
He is still trying to manipulate you and the situation.. he has changed his words.. but not his actions.