Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Let me say this group has been extremely supportive in helping me overcome and leave my last emotionally abusive relationship. I couldn't have done it without you or the domestic violence counselor I had.
I belong to other groups here and even though this subject has a sexual nature I felt this group to be the most appropriate to share this & hope for feedback and support. Last night I was thinking I really need to get this story out as difficult as it could be.
What keeps flashing in my mind is over 10 years ago when I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship and getting help from the domestic violence agency to fill out my restrainig order paperwork, was she asked if there was sexual abuse "no" - she asked if he lured me into sex "yes" (actually a sexually abusive episode was out of my awareness but did occur). So she marked the bos "yes" it really enlightened me to what sexual abuse is.
So current situation - a guy I dated 4+ years ago basically we had a one night stand that did not start out that way, it was like lunch, turned into a drive in the mountain, me repeatedly saying no and ending up in a hotel agreed to that and yeah finally sex, which feels good sometimes in some ways. He remained a friend, but no it was not emotionally healthy for me for certain reasons. So I got real upset the next day - let me say this encounter was my one interruption of a 2 1/2 year period of celibacy.
So currently after a year of celibacy and no dting I agreed to help this guy out with his awesome teen son who needs a ride home from school and some supervision in exchange for using his 2nd vehicle. A little bit of a barter situation, but I said yes and will take it one day at a time. Yeah my car is broken so I am a little vulnerable, though honestly I can use the bus to get to work and other necessities, though not a regular meeting I attend on the weekend. So the kid and him he day after I agreed to this last week they suggested let's get a hotel and just go in the jacuzzi and swim and watch a movie and hang out, a sort of way to get to spend time and know them better. No, but cave in. The premise from the guy that "we dont' have to do anything". But yeah there's that history there. He's also finally in he middle of a breakup with the girl he was having trouble with during our night 4 1/2 years ago (not my proudest moment, affected me very badly, not usually typical of me.) So in the hotel after repeated no no no I caved in and he even said I'd "give in". I finally told him I was angry since he said we'd not do anthing. Yeah call me naive. Let me also say I was exhausted & tend to get into these situations in the past when I am run down.
After he backed off when I was I was angry I felt more comfortable to go along with sex and yeah it was nice in some ways but emotionally I am setting myself up for feeling "lured". I have mixed feelings about this situation, yeah he's newly uninvolved with someone else and the whole bartering thing going on with him letting me use the car leaving me feel obligated to be around him, and I genuinely like the guy, he's a good guy, and yeah this may be typical guy behavior pressuring girls into sex, he knows I've given in. His son and I have grown attached he is just a doll.
I hope that made sense and if anyone relates or has feedback I'd appreciate it. Thanks. Keep in mind this is hard for me to admit & not something I am proud of which clues me into how unhealthy it may be for me, but I could see myself getting into something her. I'm sharing it here in hopes of some understanding. Thanks so much :)
I belong to other groups here and even though this subject has a sexual nature I felt this group to be the most appropriate to share this & hope for feedback and support. Last night I was thinking I really need to get this story out as difficult as it could be.
What keeps flashing in my mind is over 10 years ago when I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship and getting help from the domestic violence agency to fill out my restrainig order paperwork, was she asked if there was sexual abuse "no" - she asked if he lured me into sex "yes" (actually a sexually abusive episode was out of my awareness but did occur). So she marked the bos "yes" it really enlightened me to what sexual abuse is.
So current situation - a guy I dated 4+ years ago basically we had a one night stand that did not start out that way, it was like lunch, turned into a drive in the mountain, me repeatedly saying no and ending up in a hotel agreed to that and yeah finally sex, which feels good sometimes in some ways. He remained a friend, but no it was not emotionally healthy for me for certain reasons. So I got real upset the next day - let me say this encounter was my one interruption of a 2 1/2 year period of celibacy.
So currently after a year of celibacy and no dting I agreed to help this guy out with his awesome teen son who needs a ride home from school and some supervision in exchange for using his 2nd vehicle. A little bit of a barter situation, but I said yes and will take it one day at a time. Yeah my car is broken so I am a little vulnerable, though honestly I can use the bus to get to work and other necessities, though not a regular meeting I attend on the weekend. So the kid and him he day after I agreed to this last week they suggested let's get a hotel and just go in the jacuzzi and swim and watch a movie and hang out, a sort of way to get to spend time and know them better. No, but cave in. The premise from the guy that "we dont' have to do anything". But yeah there's that history there. He's also finally in he middle of a breakup with the girl he was having trouble with during our night 4 1/2 years ago (not my proudest moment, affected me very badly, not usually typical of me.) So in the hotel after repeated no no no I caved in and he even said I'd "give in". I finally told him I was angry since he said we'd not do anthing. Yeah call me naive. Let me also say I was exhausted & tend to get into these situations in the past when I am run down.
After he backed off when I was I was angry I felt more comfortable to go along with sex and yeah it was nice in some ways but emotionally I am setting myself up for feeling "lured". I have mixed feelings about this situation, yeah he's newly uninvolved with someone else and the whole bartering thing going on with him letting me use the car leaving me feel obligated to be around him, and I genuinely like the guy, he's a good guy, and yeah this may be typical guy behavior pressuring girls into sex, he knows I've given in. His son and I have grown attached he is just a doll.
I hope that made sense and if anyone relates or has feedback I'd appreciate it. Thanks. Keep in mind this is hard for me to admit & not something I am proud of which clues me into how unhealthy it may be for me, but I could see myself getting into something her. I'm sharing it here in hopes of some understanding. Thanks so much :)
If you said, afterward that you ended up being okay with it, I'd say, "fine." But you said you ave mixed feelings.
The fact that he came on, and then didn't stop pressuring you after your very first, "no," clearly demonstrates who he is.
And I'm sorry. Pressured sex is not necessarily a "guy" thing. Any guy with self-respect and respect for others, doesn't bully his way into intercourse, like that.
This is not a great candidate for healthy relationship.
All the best to you. Listen to your gut. It's giving you important information.
I have chalked it up to my history of always searching for a fatherly figure and having very poor boundaries. I've gotten into a situation like this and swear to myself I will stick to saying no but it never worked. Afterwards I would end up feeling violated. Even though I ultimately consented.
The problem I have encountered more than once is that afterwards, I try to back off from the guy and I end up in the scary situation of being stalked. Or treated like a buddy.
Very damaging to ones self esteem either way.
The most telling thing, I think, is that you are not feeling so good about it. You feel obligated to be around him, not happy or even comfortable. Can you see yourself getting into a healthy, committed love relationship with him?
I understand that you have grown attached to his son and it would cause pain to have to break up that friendship and you need to use a car...but the man knows he can manipulate you, pressure you into things that are not a fair trade.
Know that you are valuable.
You can reach for something much better.
I was thinking of your post on my way to a job interview, and was praying to my HP for the guidance to give you feedback. What came to mind is that you have choices, and you don't have to put up with this crap and with this guy, yes you need a car, but you don't have to be around him. Yes, you are becoming attached to the teenage son, but how much can you do at the expense of what feels right for you? In my opinion, it is not worth it... listen to your intuition, its telling you something for a good reason.
Take care, I love you and appreciate you my friend and wish the best for you.
Hugs
Yes, guys are more likely to be the ones "asking", and maybe they'll "ask" more than once. But there is a HUGE difference between that and saying "I knew you'd give in" after saying it wouldn't happen. You were violated, and that's why you feel bad about it now.
If it had been something you actually wanted to do, rather than something you were pressured into, you wouldn't feel so bad about it.
And if he respected you, he wouldn't pressure you after you said no.
Some of you may understand getting involved in a situation that is unhealthy for us can seem so hard to get out of. My domestic violence counselor understood that. What helps is feeling empowered and not put down for my unhealthy choices - after all, this is an old pattern for me, settling for unhealthiness. And yes sometimes we use denial of what it is as a way to cope with it. Ultimately when I told him how I felt he said he really wouldn't have gone through with it had I said no, that yes eventually I gave into willingness, but no this is not a healthy situation. And yes knowing I'm not alone is very supportive. When I told him he said I'd give in, he said did not remember saying that and was surprized, anyway it may be denial on his part or maybe he just didn't remember or want to accept that part of him. It's hard enough going through something like this and differentiating my responsibility from his. Ultimately it was my choice to go knowing him from the past and my own weaknesses, but his behavior is his responsibility.
Thanks all for your kind responses.