Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am at day 12 of the nasty breakeup via cell phone with my ex in which he told me it just was not going to work out, that I was too negative, I brought too much drama upon myself and I wigged out over things that I should not. (His keeping his ex girlfriend as a friend only as standby and to cheat with her while in the relationship with me was one of the things I wigged out on)
Anyway, I did not handle the phone break up as well as I would of liked and showed far more hurt and emotion than I should have. I did not beg for a second chance or anything like that as I could see that this was going badly, but I did try to ask him questions as to what if I had accomated you this way or become a financial partner with you? Things like that. Trying to just make sense of a man that the previous day was still wanting me to fly out on a trip with him and still luring me along and not wanting to let go of what we had. A man that told me he did not love this woman, that he only cared about her well being, is that wrong?
That I meant the world to him, he loved my company, my smile, being with me, I am amazing, beautiful, almost a ten. (almost? )
I guess I am disgusted with myself for believing that someone could mean these things, when it always ends up this way for me..they always walk away. I am always abadoned and this man knew I felt this way and promised he would not do this to me. :(
This was the second time and he said it won't end up like last time. Yet it did, and I am a fool.
I get so tired of people telling me I have to put down my walls and then when I do, and I let someone in my life, it is back to the damn healing.
I feel hurt, isolated, stupid and weak.
I am obsessing and even though I have remained no contact, other than one slip last friday, a text to him when I thought he had done something to me in getting a prior toxic person bothering me just to hurt me more and I asked him if he had ( I am feeling paranoid as well and I am not sure why, hate that to) and he answered with a short and terse reply: Hell no, i am not into that. And I dont even know him. Dumb question.
Even though I apoligized for asking (this was all text) and texted that I would not bother him again, I recieved no text back.
Now I am bothered that I would of been so paranoid that he would of sunk to the level to as had a toxic person from my past start contacting me again, just to unsettle me more. I do feel badly that I even thought that now. It was just that both of these men always contact me around the same times, almost to the day, and it has become a pattern and honestly patterns scare me anymore with all the abusive things that have happened to me.
So now not only do I feel down and out, I feel a bit crazy as well. Almost as if the ex could of been right in his projections of me? I do bring drama upon myself, I do think negatively and I do wig out.
After recieving lots more texts from the other toxic person, regarding his son's health, the fact that the last woman he made love to was me ( not believable as this man has not been with me for around 3 years) and photos of his kids and one of his lower regions (why I have no clue? ) I have him on reject on my phone.
That will not help much though as the stuff will still go through but any calls go to voice mail.
As for my latest ex, to his credit, he has not tried to contact me, so perhaps he is the normal one and was just giving me a second chance and I messed it up with my insecurities, jealousy and all around nuerotic fears from years of abuse.
To my credit, I am remaining NC with each and have kept my facebook deactivated.
I won't lie though, I am missing the last ex and I have no idea why? I know he could probably not be faithful to me and I know I cannot deal with that, but he was not a totally mean person. I also regret some of the mean things I said to him during the phone conversation as that is not my nature and I usually avoid conflict, arguements and saying hateful, hurtful things as you can't take them back.
He had offered friendshp and I told him " F your friendship, I see how your treat your friends."
So I lost a significant other and a friend..I guess today is just hard for me, feeling regrets. Thank you for letting me vent here.
Anyway, I did not handle the phone break up as well as I would of liked and showed far more hurt and emotion than I should have. I did not beg for a second chance or anything like that as I could see that this was going badly, but I did try to ask him questions as to what if I had accomated you this way or become a financial partner with you? Things like that. Trying to just make sense of a man that the previous day was still wanting me to fly out on a trip with him and still luring me along and not wanting to let go of what we had. A man that told me he did not love this woman, that he only cared about her well being, is that wrong?
That I meant the world to him, he loved my company, my smile, being with me, I am amazing, beautiful, almost a ten. (almost? )
I guess I am disgusted with myself for believing that someone could mean these things, when it always ends up this way for me..they always walk away. I am always abadoned and this man knew I felt this way and promised he would not do this to me. :(
This was the second time and he said it won't end up like last time. Yet it did, and I am a fool.
I get so tired of people telling me I have to put down my walls and then when I do, and I let someone in my life, it is back to the damn healing.
I feel hurt, isolated, stupid and weak.
I am obsessing and even though I have remained no contact, other than one slip last friday, a text to him when I thought he had done something to me in getting a prior toxic person bothering me just to hurt me more and I asked him if he had ( I am feeling paranoid as well and I am not sure why, hate that to) and he answered with a short and terse reply: Hell no, i am not into that. And I dont even know him. Dumb question.
Even though I apoligized for asking (this was all text) and texted that I would not bother him again, I recieved no text back.
Now I am bothered that I would of been so paranoid that he would of sunk to the level to as had a toxic person from my past start contacting me again, just to unsettle me more. I do feel badly that I even thought that now. It was just that both of these men always contact me around the same times, almost to the day, and it has become a pattern and honestly patterns scare me anymore with all the abusive things that have happened to me.
So now not only do I feel down and out, I feel a bit crazy as well. Almost as if the ex could of been right in his projections of me? I do bring drama upon myself, I do think negatively and I do wig out.
After recieving lots more texts from the other toxic person, regarding his son's health, the fact that the last woman he made love to was me ( not believable as this man has not been with me for around 3 years) and photos of his kids and one of his lower regions (why I have no clue? ) I have him on reject on my phone.
That will not help much though as the stuff will still go through but any calls go to voice mail.
As for my latest ex, to his credit, he has not tried to contact me, so perhaps he is the normal one and was just giving me a second chance and I messed it up with my insecurities, jealousy and all around nuerotic fears from years of abuse.
To my credit, I am remaining NC with each and have kept my facebook deactivated.
I won't lie though, I am missing the last ex and I have no idea why? I know he could probably not be faithful to me and I know I cannot deal with that, but he was not a totally mean person. I also regret some of the mean things I said to him during the phone conversation as that is not my nature and I usually avoid conflict, arguements and saying hateful, hurtful things as you can't take them back.
He had offered friendshp and I told him " F your friendship, I see how your treat your friends."
So I lost a significant other and a friend..I guess today is just hard for me, feeling regrets. Thank you for letting me vent here.
Try not to beat yourself up over how you reacted. You were reacting, it wasn't like you had any time to think about it so that you could come up with the best "go f yourself" speech.
I can tell you from experience, even the worst insecurities in the world are not a valid excuse for someone treating us poorly. I have a lot of fear of my fiance suddenly turning into an abusive control freak. That fear stems from years of abuse in my life. He loves me. He doesn't get angry when I feel that way. He reassures me, holds me, and tells me that he understands. That's the real deal there. He's patient. He knows it isn't my fault that I have these fears.
It isn't your fault either. And if someone can't understand it, then they just aren't worth your time.
It really was insanity, and the only way I could recover was to be completely away from it. No facebook, phone calls, texting - nothing. The woman is certifiable, and there is no making sense of a toxic person like that. Toxic, toxic person. Don't beat yourself up over this. None of it is rational and nothing you have control over.
Perhaps I am weak as to not be able to deal with an non monagamous relationship, or always wonder if I do or say something that stresses him, or angers him that he will go to her and just tell me that we are over, then vice versa and come back to me with the proverbial I am so sorry and I miss you..but when I am in a relationship, I am in. I try to work on things and though I am not always at my best, I am always truthful, I am always loyal and I am always willing to give 100 percent.
I honestly feel for this woman as she is so insecure she will follow him, call, etc... I don't want to have to have that type of strain. I want a mutual trust and with this person that is not going to happen.
JillieBean, you are indeed fortunate that your partner understands your fears without judgement, you do not have to tiptoe around him, he reassures you ad has patience with you. I am very happy for you that you have this. :)
Azkevin, this is almost as if your in my mind by saying this. I have deactivated my facebook, am working on the no contact and now I just need to detoxicfy my mind and thoughts from him and her. I have to stop wondering if 'THEY" are so much happier, if now he is finally happy and treating her with the respect, love and honesty he could not me, if she fufills what I could not..etc.
You know he once wrote a poem in reply to mine and it had a part where it said, don't try to get in my brain or it will drive you insane...I found it clever at the time..it is not now. It was a warning, he has also told me that he is crazy and don't try to outdo him physchologically, as in don't try to outsmart him. He always said I talk in riddles? I just talked in truth, and he evaded. Perhaps the truth to him was a riddle? Anyway, I think what hurts us the most is that our abusers put us on such a high pedastal in the beginning only to knock that same pedastal out from under us. Not sure, all I know is I have come to dread flattery for I know with it will come eventual discord.
Thank you for your replies...Sorry for what you both have been through.
My A (I'll call him A for a-hole or abuser, you're pick) always picked fights right before we were due to go to a party together (or when he was invited, but didn't want to tell me about it or for me to go)...so that he could have an excuse to go alone. I felt so betrayed. It's just so childish and manipulative...
Especially since most of the time he was justifying it because he claimed I was always flirting, dressing too sexy, wanting to sleep with all his friends--YEAH RIGHT.
But it really hurts to know your feelings (all those awful things he said during a fight) were just being used so that he could clear up his schedule, esp. to see another woman...or to hide something.
I remember one of the longest fights we ever had was when I went with A to a party, and he was hanging out with a woman there....he "promised" her he had to talk to her (whatever that means)...and that I didn't have to go with him to that table, that I could just wait at the other table...but I was naive and didn't realize that it meant that he didn't want me to go so I happily volunteered to move my dinner...
We sat down and she proceeded to flirt with him (moving the flower vase back and forward so he could or couldn't see her)...and he didn't introduce me as his gf or anything...I got uncomfortable so I got up to dance with the children there, and when I turn around again, then she's up in front of him, belly dancing in front of him, and he's turned around with his back to the table, looking at her and laughing while she beckoned him to dance with her with her finger, and grabbed at his hands to pull him after her--SERIOUSLY, she was actually belly dancing. And he was just laughing.
I just felt really awkward.
Later, when I tried to talk to him about it he just became agro. All I wanted to do was to share my feelings, and he was so angry. He made this rule that we can only share our feelings if we ask the other person, and then only for a certain amount of time....he did this for two weeks...I did not know why he was so upset--I only wanted to tell him how I had felt at seeing her like that, and how I basically felt humiliated and would have liked him to introduce me as his gf and maybe squeeze my hand a little (I had tried to squeeze his hand at the table, with her, but he had brushed it off).
A month later or so, I got upset at him for something else and he was like "is this about me sleeping with (the bellydancing lady)?" And I was like, WHAT? WTF? I realized that he had been so mean to me about "wanting to tell my feelings" for those two weeks just because he didn't want to tell me he had slept with her.
So stupid. All that meanness just to cover up for something I would have been fine with--if he had just told me and listened to my feelings.
Asshole! But it's like that--it hurts when someone treats your feelings as a means for manipulating the situation or hiding something...it's such a bad feeling.
Funny how that works huh?
Joanie,
Sorry about the whole spew earlier.
You're right--sometimes the only way to win is to just leave. Success is the best revenge...and self care is awesome for that.
I've had trouble figuring out if jealousy or suspicion was warranted in the past.
Ultimately, I think that jealousy is based in frustrated power and it shows you where you want to be, whether that is in a safer R or with blonde hair.
It's like that quote with the "let your light shine" that used to be attributed to Nelson Mandela; everyone has to let their light shine first and that will diminish jealousy.
Of course, it's especially hard when you've been betrayed in the past or when you've been in an abusive R where someone purposefully covered up your light. And some people just aren't trustworthy.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Marianne Williamson, "A Return to Love"