Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello Everyone,
I don't think I have ever posted on here as a topic, I have been responding to other people's posts for several months now.
I am going through a bad phase of some kind lately - I feel really emotional, dazed, out of it and keep having flashbacks of memories of my relationship with my abusive ex with whom I broke up four months ago. I don't know whether it's because this time last year I took him to my parents home in Europe for one month (where he was on his best behavior).
Basically, I am missing him badly and still have feelings for him and was hoping he would post on craigslist with an apology or something for what he did to me. I keep reading "missed connections" for my city looking for his post...anyway, I know that's stupid. (We used to read MC together, that's why...)
I feel excruciating pain right now, thinking about our trip last year. I am going to Europe on vacation to the same spot tomorrow and that seems to be triggering it, I guess.
I HATE myself for missing him or loving him right now. He was so mean and cruel to me. At the same time, I am obsessed with thinking about him and why he was abusive to me. There is huge potential (my therapist and many other of my friends say so) that he is bipolar, but what does it matter now, he was very controlling, jealous, abusive, a misogynist, dysfunctional and made my life hell when I was with him.
I was in the relationship one year and went back to him twice. He assaulted me (as in, tried to choke me in a joking fashion, but he squeezed tight and I couldn't breathe). He also sexually assaulted me last year, long story...and accused me that it was my fault and that I asked for it.
There were countless other abusive episodes on his part. He belittled me, insulted me, controlled me, was jealous, would always accuse me that I was the crazy one and that I could cheat, he harassed me with verbal abuse (horrible name-calling) when I broke things off with him. He humiliated me in public, he treated me roughly in bed, I had major problems with him in sex (he didn't care about pleasing me), he was inconsiderate, he was insensitive, OMG... I can go on and on. Jesus...
He told me that when he was young he grew up in an abusive household with a bipolar mother and an abusive father. He also admitted to me that he treated his ex girlfriends like shit, and when I heard that after only two months together I should have ran, but I stayed because he was telling me how ashamed he was because of that.
I always wondered if he was genuine when he cried and bawled to me after an episode of abuse, he would say how much he tries and how I don't appreciate what he does. When he shed tears. Once he bawled so badly and said how he was trying and trying and trying and I wasn't appreciating his efforts, I guess.
When he told me that he felt "guilty" about the "BS he put me through", I thought he was taking responsibility and I thought, Ok, maybe he's not a sociopath. But then, when he would abuse again, and I would confront him and beg him to get therapy and get professional help and STOP the abuse, he would only promise in words and never do anything about it.
Last time I had contact with him was through text messaging -he was harassing me after i broke things off with him finally, verbally insulting me and name-calling me (horrible names, calling me the manipulative one, etc.), so I called the cops on him (my gut was telling me to do so at the time, I was scared). They made me file a DV report at the station, and he was warned by the cops to NEVER get in touch with me ever again, otherwise he will be arrested for criminal harassment. So, no, he has not contacted me at all because he works as a mental health nurse in a psych ward of all things, and if he did, he would probably lose his nursing license. Jesus, I can't believe what he does for a living, it's what attracted me to him in the first place, thinking he was a counter-stereotype, a male nurse.
Anyway, I am still going through excruciating pain. Lately I was feeling really good, but the last week has been awful. I can barely function.
I am seeing a therapist, but it's sporadic, every three weeks or so.
I keep thinking about him, what he's doing, if maybe I should have given him more of a chance, I know that sounds REALLY STUPID but i keep thinking about all of his promises and words of love, but then all the abuse, and then all the displays of emotion. Were they real? He would keep saying to me " I am not a bad person" and repeat this again and again and I feel so bad sometimes.
Is he a sociopath? Some of my friends keep saying that he is. Maybe he is suffering, but I tried SO HARD to help him and he didn't want to fully admit that he had a problem. He would tell me I am making a big deal out of it, when I broke things off, he told me "I hope you meet men who will show you what real abuse is".
When he was younger he was also addicted to drugs and alcohol and now is still drinking (he was drunk when he tried to choke me), and also is addicted to porn.
I just need some of your words of wisdom, please. I am suffering so badly. I can't talk to my friends about him anymore because they get annoyed, you know the drift.
I have been on this forum for several months now every day.
I don't know why NOW I am feeling so bad, I thought I was doing really well lately and now all of a sudden, I am feeling awful, missing him, flashbacks, etc.
Thank you everyone for your help and understanding....
I don't think I have ever posted on here as a topic, I have been responding to other people's posts for several months now.
I am going through a bad phase of some kind lately - I feel really emotional, dazed, out of it and keep having flashbacks of memories of my relationship with my abusive ex with whom I broke up four months ago. I don't know whether it's because this time last year I took him to my parents home in Europe for one month (where he was on his best behavior).
Basically, I am missing him badly and still have feelings for him and was hoping he would post on craigslist with an apology or something for what he did to me. I keep reading "missed connections" for my city looking for his post...anyway, I know that's stupid. (We used to read MC together, that's why...)
I feel excruciating pain right now, thinking about our trip last year. I am going to Europe on vacation to the same spot tomorrow and that seems to be triggering it, I guess.
I HATE myself for missing him or loving him right now. He was so mean and cruel to me. At the same time, I am obsessed with thinking about him and why he was abusive to me. There is huge potential (my therapist and many other of my friends say so) that he is bipolar, but what does it matter now, he was very controlling, jealous, abusive, a misogynist, dysfunctional and made my life hell when I was with him.
I was in the relationship one year and went back to him twice. He assaulted me (as in, tried to choke me in a joking fashion, but he squeezed tight and I couldn't breathe). He also sexually assaulted me last year, long story...and accused me that it was my fault and that I asked for it.
There were countless other abusive episodes on his part. He belittled me, insulted me, controlled me, was jealous, would always accuse me that I was the crazy one and that I could cheat, he harassed me with verbal abuse (horrible name-calling) when I broke things off with him. He humiliated me in public, he treated me roughly in bed, I had major problems with him in sex (he didn't care about pleasing me), he was inconsiderate, he was insensitive, OMG... I can go on and on. Jesus...
He told me that when he was young he grew up in an abusive household with a bipolar mother and an abusive father. He also admitted to me that he treated his ex girlfriends like shit, and when I heard that after only two months together I should have ran, but I stayed because he was telling me how ashamed he was because of that.
I always wondered if he was genuine when he cried and bawled to me after an episode of abuse, he would say how much he tries and how I don't appreciate what he does. When he shed tears. Once he bawled so badly and said how he was trying and trying and trying and I wasn't appreciating his efforts, I guess.
When he told me that he felt "guilty" about the "BS he put me through", I thought he was taking responsibility and I thought, Ok, maybe he's not a sociopath. But then, when he would abuse again, and I would confront him and beg him to get therapy and get professional help and STOP the abuse, he would only promise in words and never do anything about it.
Last time I had contact with him was through text messaging -he was harassing me after i broke things off with him finally, verbally insulting me and name-calling me (horrible names, calling me the manipulative one, etc.), so I called the cops on him (my gut was telling me to do so at the time, I was scared). They made me file a DV report at the station, and he was warned by the cops to NEVER get in touch with me ever again, otherwise he will be arrested for criminal harassment. So, no, he has not contacted me at all because he works as a mental health nurse in a psych ward of all things, and if he did, he would probably lose his nursing license. Jesus, I can't believe what he does for a living, it's what attracted me to him in the first place, thinking he was a counter-stereotype, a male nurse.
Anyway, I am still going through excruciating pain. Lately I was feeling really good, but the last week has been awful. I can barely function.
I am seeing a therapist, but it's sporadic, every three weeks or so.
I keep thinking about him, what he's doing, if maybe I should have given him more of a chance, I know that sounds REALLY STUPID but i keep thinking about all of his promises and words of love, but then all the abuse, and then all the displays of emotion. Were they real? He would keep saying to me " I am not a bad person" and repeat this again and again and I feel so bad sometimes.
Is he a sociopath? Some of my friends keep saying that he is. Maybe he is suffering, but I tried SO HARD to help him and he didn't want to fully admit that he had a problem. He would tell me I am making a big deal out of it, when I broke things off, he told me "I hope you meet men who will show you what real abuse is".
When he was younger he was also addicted to drugs and alcohol and now is still drinking (he was drunk when he tried to choke me), and also is addicted to porn.
I just need some of your words of wisdom, please. I am suffering so badly. I can't talk to my friends about him anymore because they get annoyed, you know the drift.
I have been on this forum for several months now every day.
I don't know why NOW I am feeling so bad, I thought I was doing really well lately and now all of a sudden, I am feeling awful, missing him, flashbacks, etc.
Thank you everyone for your help and understanding....
Once abuse starts, it never stops.
I'm so so so so sorry for the pain you are going through!!!!!!
You have been so helpful to me, and others here, and I don't know what to say to make you feel better. :0(
I know all about the pain and suffering you've gone through, as you know I'm there right now.
What I don't know about is the pain you suffer after you leave. I can only imagine...... which, as you probably know, is why I stay with him.
I wish that I had some magic words to make the pain go away!
I'm a good listener so please feel free to message me if you need to. I'm always around.
Big hugs!!!
Other than that our ex-bfs have a lot in commom. I have gone no contact with my ex for 2 years now. We broke up July 2009, and now its July 2011. I have not called, or written, or seen, or heard from him in two years.
I still suffer triggers, memories of him, I still cry for him, and miss him. However, I think about how much WORSE if I had of been his girlfriend the past two years, and we were just now breaking up. I mean the emotional attachment would be so much deeper.
Write in a journal all the things you disliked about your ex. Write all the things you disliked in your relationship with him. If possible, try to detach from mutual friends who will talk about your ex.
Getting over an abusive ex is a journey of healing and a process, it will take time, but you CAN do it. I hope that you can find the strength to move on. You don't deserve to be abused. Don't feel awful, be grateful and thankful that you got away. I wish you the best. HUGS. Mil.
You are beating yourself up over this. Try to turn it around Instead of beating yourself up for feeling bad 4 months later, pat yourself on the back for NOT having felt this bad for all 4 months. Instead of hating yourself for missing him, pat yourself on the back for having the courage and strength to leave him and then to report him when he was harassing you. And pat yourself on the back again for being such an amazing person as to still be able to find love in your heart for someone who has done you so wrong. Instead of beating yourself up for being "really stupid" for questioning your own actions, feel proud that you are strong enough and have enough wisdom to be able to face yourself.
And be proud of yourself for having the courage to post all of that, in spite of the feelings you have that you are wrong or weak or stupid for how you feel. You are none of those things, but I know how it is to feel it - and it takes a great deal of courage to reach out in spite of those feelings.
Healing is, as Ilene so often says, not a straight line. I used to lthink of myself as climbing out of a volcano. The way out is hard and steep and hot. And covered in loose rocks. So sometimes we stumble, sometimes we fall back a long way. But we keep going, and keep our eyes on the clear skies and green fields at the top. And if we do, eventually we make it.
The trip is almost certainly the trigger to PTSD or PTSD like symptoms. You can do this, though. Just learn to focus on your strengths. You have achieved so much. You deserve to be very, VERY proud of yourself.