Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Reading post here this morning and I feel like I'm reading about myself and it is so sad.I am in my state of mind again of feeling like I will never be free from this man and all of the abuse! I am feeling so powerless, and weak like I have no choice or options.I feel as though he has all of the power and control ! I am so sad and feeling so defeated again. This is so hard ,and I'm so tired and worn down I just want to give up and give in to him.I know what I am saying sounds crazy, but I feel as if I'm fight a losing battle that there is no way I can win.You see I have no job and no money coming in.I have 3 children with him.We have been married 25 years and he has been an abusive Narc alcoholic the whole time.I have tried everything I mean everything to get through to him, to help him, to help me, to do what was right for the children.I feel as though my entire life has been a battle. I have always been fighting for my sanity,safety,peace,calm,something that looks like a normal family.It all gets so confusing for me,actually I am in a constant state of confusion. I am always second guessing my every thought.You see my Mother is so exhausting also, she is constantly calling me and keeping me more confused,she is bipolar and not medicated properly.She has an awful quack of a Dr. and he actually lets her choose which Med.s she wants to take!!!!!! Which I know makes her worse, but our family can not get Mother to go to another Dr. she has been with him for I would say 20 years and she thrives on him!! and he enjoys watching our family suffer from his horrible choices with our Mother. So as bad as it is with my Husband it is just as bad with my Mother, only different.I think that part of my problem with my inability to stay on track with my divorcing my Husband has to do with the way my Mom raised me with all her self absorbed Narc ways, she has always conditioned me to be the fixer of all things! to smooth everything out with everyone.My entire life has been about trying to keep everything calm and to make things normal!!! And IT IS NOT working!!! I am worn out, I am worn down, I can not do it anymore!!!! I am actually sick, and I truly believe that a lot of my illness is due to the stress of my life! and these two who drain everything from me! I cannot for the life of me seem to be able to set good enough boundaries with these two.If there is any communication with them at all , you Lose!!! They both railroad through any boundary at any cost! These 2, I have to say have really just about killed me.I have a counselor, I have an Attorney, and I still feel alone and powerless in this situation! I feel as I'm getting no where with the counselor, and no where with the Attorney, he is just enjoying trying to break me financially.Please if anyone has any advice as to how to keep going when you know you have got to, but don't feel like you can .I am so in need of assurance, encouragement, anything I can get to get me to the other side of this hell of a relationship and out, away from him with my very little resources.
When things go wrong, as
they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile,
but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you
must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its
twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a
failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't
give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer
than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has
given up,
When he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned
too late when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned
inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can
tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to
the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you
must not quit.
Second, if you're counselor isn't helping, he/she is likely not experienced in abusive/pathogical relationships. Btw, most aren't as they cling to the "old" therapy models. You need to find a new one and the relief will come.
Lastly, I'm happy to hear you have an attorney. And, YES, you're narc will do anything and everything to "win". You're feelings on that are spot on.
You're not crazy, you're the sane one! Anymore I can suggest is to keep reading here, journal, and keep moving forward. As one, very wise woman here told me, that I'm now coming to accept fully, is: "You WIN when the narc(s) are out of your life completely". The stuff is just that.. stuff.
holy cow.
do you have any siblings that are helping you, there??
and it's true, we've all had those moments, where the task of leaving felt insurmountable. almost a 'why bother' kind of thing.
I can tell you, from the other side, it was SO worth the bother.
one thing that I never really noticed when I was in the relationship, was how much time and energy he sucked out of me. being here alone now, I can't believe how peaceful things are. he was like a full time job, and now it's gone!!!!!!
there's not a hell of a lot that you can do about your mom, but you may find that after you've left your H, you'll have more energy and are better able to deal with her.
another thing that I had to push myself to do in the end, was to get enough sleep, and take a lot of vitamins, because I was going downhill, fast...I had to force myself to eat as well.
Do whatever it takes to SAFELY protect yourself and your finances! Also, consider finding a new therapist - one who will help you regain your sense of self & rebuild your self esteem.
Please, please, take good care of yourself first...FIRST!!!!
Hugs!
I have a very close family member who is bi polar and i know that there are times especially in the past where she would lie about taking her meds or lie about how much she wa taking or only take one kind, so i wouldn't be too sure that the doctor is the problem or that he enjoys watching the havoc your mom causes because she won't stay on her regimine the way he actually prescribes. I've known iothe bi polar people and it seems to be a common trait fot them to either go off of their meds completely when they are feeling better and to lie about it until it becomes obvious that they are cycling. That being said, it's true that you can't control what your mom or your husband does or says and their behavior isn't based on your efforts, it's based on their own decisions. And that includes crossing your boundaries. no one can stop someone else from crossing their boundaries but what you can do is to make a firm decision, to yourself of what you are going to do the next time it happens. Limiting your time and your contact with both your mom and your husband will help as well as not having any expectations that they will suddenly start behaving differently or respectfully. Unfortunately they won't and it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you or what you do or don't do. It is who they are period. One thing you could do is when either one behaves abusively or vrosses your boundaries is to tell them you don't accept what they are saying or doing and to walk away from them. Leave the room, the house or their presence. Stop listening to them and make excuses to not be available to help them. Take your ime responding to any messages about the children and be very very brief and stern, no details about your feelings or thougths, just keep it business like. It's unfortunate that is how you have to communicate with them but it is the only way to prevent becoming their target. As far as your attorney and your councelor are concerned, remember you are paying them, they work for you. They are replacable. Even if you're not paying, they are still both replacable.
I know things are really tough right now so now is the time to go deep within yourself into your inner resources and find that determination and strength, to stop listening to the "you can't's" and the negative messeages and to listen to that quiet inner voice that will guide you and help you find the strength to take the steps you need to, to have a better life.
My abuser chose not to, therefore I had to leave. Our children had seen enough, and I was beat down, broke with no job, no support, drowning!
It took me 4 months to secretly get my things in a row, and I have never been so scared in all my life!
The threats alone! made me unsafe! But I would of died, my soul gone, my very being, if I stayed any longer waiting for changes that were never coming!
You can do this! We have been there! I feel your pain as I write this! It makes me nervous again even!
But you know what.......... it would of been harder for me to stay! I couldnt do it one more minute! I couldnt let my children witness it or hear it one more minute! the fear in their eyes, the unsure of whats next, their anxiety when he pulled in the driveway gave me the courage I need to stop it!
The day I got in my jeep with my 3 children, to drive to my new home, was the best day, and the biggest breathe of life I have ever taken! and the best day for our children!
It was hard! omg, the hardest thing I have ever done! and after that day... stupid me even waiting, crying, in my own home for him to STILL seek counseling to fix himself!! I waited another whole LONG year, of wasted time!!! it didnt happen 12 months later so I filed!!! it was the best most joyous thing in my life!
and you can do it too! You need your own Tony life! for Tony to Breathe! to be free!! I have Faith in you! I send you courage and Strength to do this. I thank God everyday I am Free! hearing my kids laugh in our new home. Not being afraid anymore! No egg shells! Not being afraid something was out of place! not begging for money to feed our children!
These men do not change lovebug! they just dont! Youve tried long enough! its tony time now! I am here for anything you need to vent or ask!
I am still healing and learning healthy relationship! its been a journey! One you can be on as well! Hugs to ya! ~Roshelle