Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So husbands been on his best behavior. Helping with the kids, giving me my space, asking about my day, etc.
I don't trust that it will last. I've read and reread my posts and all the support I've received. I'm still in IC every week. The atty called me last Thursday had some questions then will wrap up all the paperwork and be ready to serve my husband - thing is I haven't called him back yet.
I feel angry. I can't watch tv shows we used to watch together. I can't listen to music, which I always loved, bc everything triggers me. Either it's a song from our past or a make up song. I hate that he gives the kids baths and acts all "super dad-ish" while I sit bc I'm so angry with him I Want him to do it all - like I always did. But then I get mad at myself bc I feel like the girls will look at me like a lazy mom while he does the nighttime routine.
He says to our oldest, lets play a game after baths, you, me, mommy and your sister! Well, I Don't wanna play any games as a family bc I don't feel like a family! He ruined that!! He knows I'm angry at him. And I feel nothing. My heart is empty for him.
So why can't I call the atty back and keep the wheels moving?
He keeps saying give "us" another try. We've grown so distant. He feels we need to do MC along w our IC so we can work on rebuilding us.
I feel like - there's nothing left to rebuild.
But since things are so "normal" now in appearances, I look like the bad guy. The one that gave up.
I hate this.
He said the fact that I'm wavering must be a sign that we should give this another chance. I hate the limbo feeling. I can't go on like this.
I don't trust that it will last. I've read and reread my posts and all the support I've received. I'm still in IC every week. The atty called me last Thursday had some questions then will wrap up all the paperwork and be ready to serve my husband - thing is I haven't called him back yet.
I feel angry. I can't watch tv shows we used to watch together. I can't listen to music, which I always loved, bc everything triggers me. Either it's a song from our past or a make up song. I hate that he gives the kids baths and acts all "super dad-ish" while I sit bc I'm so angry with him I Want him to do it all - like I always did. But then I get mad at myself bc I feel like the girls will look at me like a lazy mom while he does the nighttime routine.
He says to our oldest, lets play a game after baths, you, me, mommy and your sister! Well, I Don't wanna play any games as a family bc I don't feel like a family! He ruined that!! He knows I'm angry at him. And I feel nothing. My heart is empty for him.
So why can't I call the atty back and keep the wheels moving?
He keeps saying give "us" another try. We've grown so distant. He feels we need to do MC along w our IC so we can work on rebuilding us.
I feel like - there's nothing left to rebuild.
But since things are so "normal" now in appearances, I look like the bad guy. The one that gave up.
I hate this.
He said the fact that I'm wavering must be a sign that we should give this another chance. I hate the limbo feeling. I can't go on like this.
The fact that he is pressing for change from you proves HIS change isn't real. If he really understood what he's done wrong and why you are upset, then he would give you all the space you need. He'd be asking you if you still need him to move out, he'd be offering to do so. He'd be apologising and trying to make up for what he has done, not trying to show you up in front of the kids.
Use the anger. As sweet said, you are entitled to it. Let the anger propel you forward. Allow yourself to feel conflicted and scared - it's natural and normal, and even if it weren't you are still entitled to your emotions no matter what they are. Accept the feelings but look at them - "gave up"? Really? You "gave up" on an abusive marriage with a man who is still not even allowing you your boundaries, your emotions, your thoughts or anything. He's telling you what you want by saying that your internal conflict is a sign that "you should". No it's not, it's a sign that walking away from a marriage is HARD, even when there's very little left of the marriage, even if it's unrecognisable from the dream you had. It's a sign that at your heart, you are a loyal person who takes your commitments seriously. It's a sign that you are NOT "the bad guy" who just "gave up".
he's trying to keep you dizzy, off balance. it completely sucks to be painted the villain in front of the kids, but remember the greater good. they won't remember every nanosecond, they'll know who you are. how you feel about them. a few false moments here is worth enduring for a lifetime of real love in the future.
limbo is worse than hell, i completely agree. eye on the prize baby. eye on the prize. keep your feet moving forward on the days your head and heart are confused, they'll catch up.
realize he's is overdrive, because you have him on the run. run right over him.
You are NOT giving up. You said he "acts all super dad-ish," and that is exactly what it is: an act. He is pulling out all the stops now because he knows you are on the fence. But watch what he does if you drive the divorce on. He will accuse you of giving up, but not because you have; only because you refused to play his game any longer!
It's push-me pull-me with them. Right now, his act is in place to convince you to stay. If you called everything off and did stay, he would take your white flag and throw it in your face, turning back into the guy you went to the divorce atty to get away from in the first place.
Just know you are in the right, 110%. If you divorce him, in time he will probably show his true colours to your girls too. They will learn what kind of person he is, and why you were probably best to get away from him.
Huge hugs xxx
It's all
THEATER.
Think of everything
he does as if he
were some country's
undercover SPY. He
was sent to infiltrate
and APPEAR as if
he is a genuine
part of the
family system.
In actual fact,
he's working for
the government
of CONTROL-
MANIPULATEandABUSE!
Should he succeed in
spinning you around
and convincing you
that he's real and
truly a non-abuser,
the minute you're
safely recaptured
and vulnerable again,
he will drop the facade
and return to his "home
page," being abusive.
(Have you done my
Clarifying Index Cards?
They'd be a great reminder,
right about now!)
I've said this many times
before. If you really feel
that you need to, then
give him his chance.
If that's what it takes
to give you the concrete
foundation from which
to move forward in the
future, then do it. Just
commit to yourself that,
if his last chance proves
that he is indeed, an
abuser ----- then ------
have the pieces in place
and ready to launch, to
make a safe and effective
ESCAPE.
Please take good care.
Everyday, this is on my mind, all day, and night - its become my life.
Ilene - I have done the Clarifying cards - I keep reading them too. I just can't help it. You all get it - what I'm feeling and the confusion - somedays it's just so crippling I can't stand it.
I just ordered 2 books recommended by my therapist - The Nice Girl Syndrome and Why Do I Stay. She says I've spent a lot of time validating and reassuring myself of his behaviors and reading Verbal Abusive relationship books - which is all good. But she feels reading material on myself, will help shift my focus and my energy so I can start working on ME. Hopefully, these books will help me to understand why and where my thoughts are coming from. Then I can start moving and not be so stuck.
Thank you again - the support here is tremendous.