Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
A couple days ago, I was feeling terrible. Yesterday, I was feeling even worse, and the lowest I've felt since I've been away from my ex. Somehow today I woke up feeling better than I have in a long time. What the heck? It doesn't really matter as long as I can somehow find a way to embrace this mode of thinking and feeling for awhile longer.
Not long ago, I struggled a lot finding the healthy balance between determining what was his fault and what was mine. Whenever he'd overreact to a request or question I found reasonable, he did that whole blaming thing by stating "I wouldn't have acted the way I did if you hadn't started it." He made it impossible for me to get it right consistently. Sometimes after I had been worn thin, I'd get mad, and I'd yell back. I know he knew what he was doing, because it never failed that when I told him something specific hurt me, he'd make sure that was what he did the next time he was angry. Attempting to reason with him the days he didn't feel up to being reasonable frustrated me to no end. *I* wouldn't have acted that way if *he* hadn't started it.
In the end, I realized it had been months since the last time he owned up to anything unkind he had done. I'm sure some of you are familiar with this behavior.
I know it's the healthy thing to do to recognize where I need to fix my own issues and take ownership for my actions, but it's not likely I'm going to be dealing with another person like him again by choice. *He* was the problem. And you know how I know? Because when we split, I didn't go around blatantly lying about what happened in our relationship.
Good riddance. I can get better. I can have something real. Him? He's got issues with guilt and a whole life of lies to keep up ahead of him.
I hope that any of you that are feeling as terrible as I did soon feel as good as I am and better. The memories are super tough. They get better.
Just a little something personal that makes me laugh... when we first got together, he found out some of my clients were involved with the Boy Scouts. So he told me he was an Eagle Scout. He wasn't. Why lie about something so meaningless? I would have liked him back then anyway. Oh man. Do any of you have other strange lies you'd like to share?
Not long ago, I struggled a lot finding the healthy balance between determining what was his fault and what was mine. Whenever he'd overreact to a request or question I found reasonable, he did that whole blaming thing by stating "I wouldn't have acted the way I did if you hadn't started it." He made it impossible for me to get it right consistently. Sometimes after I had been worn thin, I'd get mad, and I'd yell back. I know he knew what he was doing, because it never failed that when I told him something specific hurt me, he'd make sure that was what he did the next time he was angry. Attempting to reason with him the days he didn't feel up to being reasonable frustrated me to no end. *I* wouldn't have acted that way if *he* hadn't started it.
In the end, I realized it had been months since the last time he owned up to anything unkind he had done. I'm sure some of you are familiar with this behavior.
I know it's the healthy thing to do to recognize where I need to fix my own issues and take ownership for my actions, but it's not likely I'm going to be dealing with another person like him again by choice. *He* was the problem. And you know how I know? Because when we split, I didn't go around blatantly lying about what happened in our relationship.
Good riddance. I can get better. I can have something real. Him? He's got issues with guilt and a whole life of lies to keep up ahead of him.
I hope that any of you that are feeling as terrible as I did soon feel as good as I am and better. The memories are super tough. They get better.
Just a little something personal that makes me laugh... when we first got together, he found out some of my clients were involved with the Boy Scouts. So he told me he was an Eagle Scout. He wasn't. Why lie about something so meaningless? I would have liked him back then anyway. Oh man. Do any of you have other strange lies you'd like to share?
bottled, the statement above is the truth. Honest people doing their best don't go about making up lies about their former partner.
Recovering from abuse takes a long time because we have not just lost a partner; we lost ourselves. That was their objective--to destroy the person we were. But they never succeed. Not even if they do destroy the person, in this world. Truth is truth and nothing changes it. Certainly not lies.
You are on your way out of the darkness. It will come and go, but you will make it out. You see the light.
I am sure every day that passes you'll find a better you-because you have so many choices you didn't have before-YOU are the maker of your own destiny and you don't have a drowning man holing on to your ankles. GOOD RIDDANCE is right! Now you'll be able to see just how much HE was responsible for, because you don't have him messing with your head very available opportunity and limiting your potential. I think you'll find you're perfectly responsible for perfectly good things!
The ridiculous lies just shows the extent of his low self esteem and lack of values. It's pretty pathetic all right.
Abusive people are inconsistent, and they "have to" make things your fault, because otherwise they would actually need to look into themselves, and admit/tell other people that they are not a perfect person. There is nothing they would rather do less!
You're right, they lie to themselves and others all the time. When someone threatens their version of reality, or they think they are at risk of being seen as the one at fault, they ignore the truth and point the finger at you.
One of the most bizarre lies I remember from mine happened when I was trying to empathise with him over the abuse he had suffered in his childhood. I said, "Do you think the reason you don`t think it`s necessary to support and encourage other people is because nobody noticed that you needed it when you were a child?"
BAM! The shutters couldn't have gone down any faster or harder.
"Well, I didn't NEED any encouragement!" he retorted petulantly.
Really? Which child doesn't need nurturing?! What really happened was, he saw his most potent allergen - the truth - coming at him, and sidestepped it. Regardless, it signalled "conversation over". As has been rightly said, you can`t reason with someone who is unreasonable.
That's how deep their denial is, and how much they all lie to themselves as much as anybody else. Hugs xxx
frequently also be narcissists.
The two seem to track together
because narcissists need to
be perceived as being
the quintessential. . . . EVERYTHING.
That thing about some of your
clients being Boy Scouts. . .
so of COURSE, HE
HAD to be an EAGLE Scout.
He had to make sure that
you had the impression
that, not only had he been
a standard Boy Scout
(which, in his mindset
would be too mediocre
a role), he had to be
the BEST POSSIBLE,
HIGHEST REGARDED
kind of scout.
Take the pieces of
your life beyond abuse
and mend yourself
where the breaks
hurt the most.
Ultimately,
the strength
is in the
wound.
Take good care.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
I told my ex I was seeing a therapist during the last couple months of our relationship so I could work on myself. At first he insulted me for this, but I kept going anyway. A couple of weeks later, he told me he had been seeing a psychiatrist. He gave me in-depth details about them that I knew couldn't be true. My therapist confirmed my beliefs at my next visit, stating that if the details were true, then that psychiatrist was running a very unethical practice. I believe her words were, "this sounds wrong on so many levels."
That's all I needed, actual solid proof he was BSing me, and that night I broke up with him for the last time. That's when I made it clear to him that he needed to show *me* the respect and honesty I deserve if it's ever going to work out between us. He acknowledged nothing, and that was the end of the relationship.