Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My sister told me this story and I don
't know how to respond. She is asking me to help her understand how her husband can do what he does and not feel badly. Last night he asked their daughter a question and she didn't answer him. He stormed up to her room, barged in, and started yelling at the top of his lungs. Turns out the daughter was on the phone and was so embarrassed as her friend heard her dad raving.
My sister told her husband to apoligize to the daughter and he called my sister a f....bitch and to leave him alone. The next morning he apoligized to the daughter and wife.
My sister is so mad at him and told him how it is totally unacceptable to call her a bitch (not the first time he did this...many times!) His response was to leave him alone, that she is in his face, that she criticizes him and to stop taking in front of the kids because she is turning them against him. My sister asks him how he can have no remorse for calling her a bitch and he walks away and becomes all mad at her. She asks him how he can blame her for turning the kids against him by defending herself when he is he one who calls her a bitch IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
I don't know how to respond to my sister when she tries to figure out how a man can repeatedly hurt his family and seem to feel no shame. he seems to be trying to make it my sisters fault somehow.Any responses are so appreciated.
't know how to respond. She is asking me to help her understand how her husband can do what he does and not feel badly. Last night he asked their daughter a question and she didn't answer him. He stormed up to her room, barged in, and started yelling at the top of his lungs. Turns out the daughter was on the phone and was so embarrassed as her friend heard her dad raving.
My sister told her husband to apoligize to the daughter and he called my sister a f....bitch and to leave him alone. The next morning he apoligized to the daughter and wife.
My sister is so mad at him and told him how it is totally unacceptable to call her a bitch (not the first time he did this...many times!) His response was to leave him alone, that she is in his face, that she criticizes him and to stop taking in front of the kids because she is turning them against him. My sister asks him how he can have no remorse for calling her a bitch and he walks away and becomes all mad at her. She asks him how he can blame her for turning the kids against him by defending herself when he is he one who calls her a bitch IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
I don't know how to respond to my sister when she tries to figure out how a man can repeatedly hurt his family and seem to feel no shame. he seems to be trying to make it my sisters fault somehow.Any responses are so appreciated.
i think part of it is that the abuser (maybe on some level) cant explain why they do what they do (some abusers not all...) and when they realize that they cannot explain this they become angry and confused as to why they do what they do...so in turn they turn around and blame it on the abusee (ie...sayin that ur sister was in his face and all that)
im not really sure if this is helpful or not...and i know im pretty young to be giving advice but ive had a lot of experience with men like this
www.youarenotcrazy.com is a web site targeted at those who are living in a consistent state of verbal abuse.
Book: "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them" by Dr. Susan Forward. This book goes into great detail in explaining the behavior of the abuser. It will give you AND your sister insight to why he is the way he is, and if there is ever any hope that he will change.
I hope this helps, and I hope your sister gets help. Bless you for being there for her. She needs you right now, and things could get a lot worse for her before they get better.
I see the makings of a man that will continue this kind of thing and extend the language to his own daughter as she gets older.
He is obviously jealous of his wife supporting her daughter and to show respect to both of them.
Let me tell you that my Ex started doing this to me, and as my oldest daugter turned 13, he said the same thing to her. When she objected, he said, "Get used to it."
When she asked him how he would feel if she said the F word to him, he said, "You can't because you're female." And that was the end of the story in his mind.
So what can you say to her that would make her uunderstand? Maybe not much, but keep trying...
Does he show remorse and give an apology? Usually, when the apologizer is sincere, they finish with, "What can I do to make it better?" In this case, he could try to hold his temper and his tongue.
Does he understand that the treatment is a one way street? If he did, he would catch himself before doing it again. AND on the off-cance that anyone shows him anger, will he accept it, even if they say, "When you call me a f***ng bitch, I feel angry" will he say, "Oh, I'm so sorry I made you mad. Will you please forgive me?"
My guess is that he understands that people are walking on eggshells and that he's grouping your sister and their daughter into one category of people that simply don't tow the line with him.
But, giving her help and support is frustrating because she's become conditioned to know that she becomes angry and hurt when these things happen, but must accept no acknoledgement or simply the crumbs thrown at her. It's no way to live.
Read a few books by Lundy Bancroft or Patricia Evans so that when she shares these things with you, you'll have a name for the behavior. That helped me because he's giving her a head spin and will not be challenged.
Wek abused women become so conditioned not to respond to the vicious behavior that our idea of "normal" becomes so watered down that we essentially have learned helplessness without the right support.
But, sometimes just listening will give her a moment of reprieve because you don't want her to shut down with you and become humiliated.
You're a good sister and I'm glad you are there for her.
Your brother in law is abusing your sister and his children. It really is that simple. It sounds like your sister is reaching for understanding in an attempt to help him. His only chance of changing his actions is getting extensive therapy. And he needs to do this on his own. Anything he does because of your sister he will resent her for. He feels an absolute sense of entitlement when it comes to his actions. He thinks he is entitled to feel the way he does because to him everything happening around him is someone else's fault, usually your sisters. He thinks she is driving him to it and he honestly believes that. His actions are bringing him the power and control he craves.
Go buy her "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will explain his actions to her. Then she needs to figure out what she plans to do about it.
Your brother in law is abusing your sister and his children. It really is that simple. It sounds like your sister is reaching for understanding in an attempt to help him. His only chance of changing his actions is getting extensive therapy. And he needs to do this on his own. Anything he does because of your sister he will resent her for. He feels an absolute sense of entitlement when it comes to his actions. He thinks he is entitled to feel the way he does because to him everything happening around him is someone else's fault, usually your sisters. He thinks she is driving him to it and he honestly believes that. His actions are bringing him the power and control he craves.
Go buy her "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will explain his actions to her. Then she needs to figure out what she plans to do about it.