That's probably not likely.

You're obviously articulate
and intelligent. You're also
obviously insightful, sensitive
and caring.

Have you engaged in any
kind of counseling or therapy
to this point? If you have, I
suggest continuing. If you
haven't, I urge you to find
a highly qualified counselor
with whom you feel some
connection, and engage
in the hard work of
processing what happened.
Doing this has helped many
of us, here in the D.S.
communiity. It could
conceivably help you,
as well.

Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.

Take good care!

I found that once I verbally expressed even to one person (more is better) the truth of what happened it was much easier to live in truth. That doesn't mean you need to share all the details but I think the important thing is to use the word "abuse" if it applies in your situation. Something even as brief as "I have come to the realization I was abused as a child."

Before I used to tell my friends I felt hurt, I didn't understand, I was confused....but my self talk took a turn when I finally told someone I realized I was being emotionally abused in my marriage. I read that once you speak it out loud it becomes very difficult to continue living in denial since you know others know about it.

Give yourself time. You don't have to figure it out all at once or quickly. There is a brain function that keeps us from absorbing all truth at once to protect our minds when its too overwhelming. This is natural. Your confusion and feelings of being overwhelmed are not weird or show anything wrong with you.

God first gave me the insight that I was dealing with Passive Aggressive behavior in my husband several years ago. To realize there was a REASON for why I felt the way I did and to know I wasn't crazy was overwhelming. Even though it was actually good news to me (always good to find out you're not crazy) it still took me a long time to process. It was very difficult for me to believe that my husband's intent could be anything but honorable.

It wasn't only until recently I discovered he actually has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This was a blow to my mind because I had to deal with a whole new set of realizations. Looking back I feel God was protecting me by only allowing me to get the insight in small doses bc I could not have mentally dealt with finding out he was a narcissist from the beginning.

I have found journaling to be extremely therapeutic. In your journal you don't have to filter your words or thoughts...you just write about all the confusion and flood of thoughts. This has helped me work some things out as I've been writing. I come to realizations. I come to acceptance. I have a place to put the anger and even some guilt and shame.

I also think that counseling is extremely important. Its great to have a support system of trusted friends, etc but they are unskilled in knowing how to help you process and heal. They might even give you bad advice at times (though their intent might be good).

If finances are an issue with counseling there are options available with many counseling centers to have you pay on a sliding scale fee.

We're here for you.

Hi 03Fifteen,

Ilene and GIMH have already given you some great advice and insights!!

I have always struggled with feeling pain. I experienced so much pain growing up and from the difficult situations I had to face since then, that I was scared that I would be swallowed whole and fall into a deep well of depression. I was scared that once I fell in, I would never find my way out again.


Last year, I reconnected with an old friend who has also faced a lot of loss. When I told her the truth about how abusive my relationship was, and how scared I was to even say it out loud because I didn't know how to deal with the pain... She looked at me, gave me a big hug and said 'you deal with it one hour at a time'. She told me that even today she allows herself to feel as much pain, to dwell on the injustices she has experienced, for 15minutes every morning. She orginally (while in the thick of her grief and pain) allotted an hour every morning and evening and 30minutes during her lunch break, to cry, scream and just let herself feel her pain.

This technique allowed her to deal with her pain without the fear of it swallowing her whole, because she knew that within an hour she could move on with the rest of her day. She also went to therapy and worked very hard on healing herself.

I have also tried it, and when I stuck to my schedule, felt tremendous relief. It might be worth giving it a try! When you experience an emotion bigger than what you feel you can deal with on your own, share it with your therapist during your next visit.

Just a thought that may help you!!

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. It's been very helpful. Thank you.

Great thoughts here, including from you, fifteen. I think it's clear that you're on your guard against denial, and that tells me a) just how self-aware you are (fantastic, although frustrating, I know!) and b) that you don't have much to worry about, because that fear of falling into denial tells me it's not actually something you want.

One thing I did, and still do sometimes to keep the denial at bay, is to take that friend that believes you, that you've shared with them - even if it's here on the board - and tell them regularly "I'm 80% convinced I"m right today." "I'm only 20% convinced today." "I'm at 60% right now." It was a handy way to balance the need for denial to allow me to rest, as well as hold myself accountable and view trends in my own thought process. What types of things made it go up or down?

Hang in there - and nice to meet you!