Everything they do is marked on a debt sheet. Then they use this to measure what you owe them, disregarding any of your contribution, then they take what they're owed.

anything I did was expected. anything he did was a favour..

Right.
Caring for the children was my responsiblility, as a parent, at any time, but if he watched them he was "babysitting".

omg-mine called it babysitting too!!!!

Does he use the bathroom, too? Are you the appointed charwoman? Ugh. Mine never did anything like that either, even if I were to be so bold as to ask. Early on, he decided that vacuuming was his job. It took him about 3 hours to do the whole house because he would take off the attachment and go meticulously over every tiny nook and cranny. BUT. He did it maybe once every two months. And if I did it in between, he would get snippy with me and tell me I was doing it wrong. I gradually just took it back over and it wasn't mentioned again. Kids, house, shopping, cooking, laundry. All mine. No thanks. No help. I should just feel grateful that we call the same house home. And he shouldn't help, especially with the kids. He told me once, "I pay for the nanny!" (I was working, too.)

Well you know--HE never gets things dirty. When he takes a shower--his body practically cleans the shower by just being in it. Same thing with the floor--instead of ever letting bits of dust or dirt fall off of him when he's walking on it--his presence is like a supernatural vaccume, sucking up the dirt and grime and leaving a shiny clean surface under his footsteps.

JK--but really--how is it doing you a favor? My abuser always kept track of things...for me. For him, doing the dishes was a favor--everything was a favor--or more like some kind of charity for poor, bad house-keeping me. The possibility that he was actually responsible for any of the dirt was beyond him.

My ex did not clean the bathroom ONCE in 30 years...I keep wondering who is doing it now that my son and I both walked away from him. I imagine it really gross, because he's too good to clean a bathroom, LOL. Or...more likely tho he'd never admit it, he doesn't deserve a clean bathroom.

But I digress. Yes everything they do is tit for tat. Everything that could be a demonstration of love is just something that has to be earned. Love is earned with them, favors are earned with them. peace is earned with them. There's always a damn balance sheet and it ALWAYS has to weigh in their favor.

My favourite was when he was going to the shops anyway, I asked him to get some baby formula for our son. He at first refused, we had something of a fight. He eventually did get the formula and when he got home, he practically threw it at me, telling me "after what you've done, you're lucky I got your formula for you". Ummmm .... mind you, that $15 tin of formula was the only financial (or other) contribution he made to the household that year ...

livn....oh my god he says stuff like that to me too !!

its more like - .....you should be grateful im doing this , or , be thankful ive dont this that and the other?

his favourite is , " i wont forget "..............very creepy..........

Oh wow ... how many of these do I recognise?

'I will if you will ... ' - check
'You should be grateful/show me respect because I ...' - check
'You're lucky I ...' - check

Once I got an absolute blinder, though. I told him I loved him and this is what that expression of genuine feelings 'earned' me:

'Well, when someone is loving towards you, you can't help but love them back.'

WHAT??? Excuse me, but I don't need to be loved first in order to love you! My feelings are spontaneous!

They reduce every mortal thing to a damn transaction... even emotions. Or maybe especially emotions!