Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Family Systems Theory came out of a school of thought that took the position that nothing happens in isolation but is part of a larger system. So Family Systems Theory said that one individual's problem didn't come out of nowhere. Alsi, that even the way the problem itself appears, isn't the only important thing, or even the MOST important thing. Rather, that problems emerge from lots of components, some of them being the cast of characters, the order that they appeared, and the things that those people have felt, said and done for a long time in the past.
So, in other words, dysfunction seems to cycle down through generations and permeate throughout a family, appearing (in a variety of ways), through virtually all family members. Also, even when it seems like theres an obvious culprit or reason ----- say alcohol the alcohol isnt necessarily the worst thing going on, nor the identified individual, the only one with dysfunctional issues.
In another thread I mentioned the group, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), because the framework of that group has interpreted Family Systems Theory, in a user friendly way. There was a reply that the mother involved, had been abusive before the alcohol, so ACOA wouldnt be of use. The thing is, the theories embraced by ACOA, having evolved from Family Systems Theory, are understanding that alcohol isnt necessarily the origin of the problems.
Finally ---- there ARE explanations around the dynamics of why one person attacks another. Theyre generally complex and cant necessarily be answered in a sentence or two. But they are understandable factors that contribute, and which can be broken out and analyzed.
For instance, why did my narcissistic mother favor my brother over me, and treat me as the disposable child? Because she [1] hated being female; [2] I was female; [3] I was petite like the younger sister shed envied and resented; [4] I was smart like that petite younger sister, and intelligence threatened her; [5] SHED been abused growing up. And probably other factors as well. So now I have some answers, as to why I was the object of her abuse.
So, Family Systems Therapy deals with the whole system, even multiple generations, not just one family member or one obvious problem.
Thats it. This was just an addendum to some reactions Ive been having to various other threads, and I wanted to gather my thoughts and share them with you in a considered and semi-comprehensive manner.
Take care and be well, all.
So, in other words, dysfunction seems to cycle down through generations and permeate throughout a family, appearing (in a variety of ways), through virtually all family members. Also, even when it seems like theres an obvious culprit or reason ----- say alcohol the alcohol isnt necessarily the worst thing going on, nor the identified individual, the only one with dysfunctional issues.
In another thread I mentioned the group, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA), because the framework of that group has interpreted Family Systems Theory, in a user friendly way. There was a reply that the mother involved, had been abusive before the alcohol, so ACOA wouldnt be of use. The thing is, the theories embraced by ACOA, having evolved from Family Systems Theory, are understanding that alcohol isnt necessarily the origin of the problems.
Finally ---- there ARE explanations around the dynamics of why one person attacks another. Theyre generally complex and cant necessarily be answered in a sentence or two. But they are understandable factors that contribute, and which can be broken out and analyzed.
For instance, why did my narcissistic mother favor my brother over me, and treat me as the disposable child? Because she [1] hated being female; [2] I was female; [3] I was petite like the younger sister shed envied and resented; [4] I was smart like that petite younger sister, and intelligence threatened her; [5] SHED been abused growing up. And probably other factors as well. So now I have some answers, as to why I was the object of her abuse.
So, Family Systems Therapy deals with the whole system, even multiple generations, not just one family member or one obvious problem.
Thats it. This was just an addendum to some reactions Ive been having to various other threads, and I wanted to gather my thoughts and share them with you in a considered and semi-comprehensive manner.
Take care and be well, all.
It hasn't been until recently that people are starting to abandon her...."jump ship" if you will!
My N mother favored one as well, but if one of us would accomplish something that allowed her bragging rights, we seemed to be the favorite for the moment.
I see a protective outter shell with a couple of my siblings, they are not outwardly emotional people.
As far as my own kids, I admit to going overboard on the spoiling and over-protectiveness. I never wanted them to feel like I did growing up; and orphan with a den mother who either completely ignored me, or flew into crazy rages.
Thanks for posting, this conjures up a lot of emotions...which brings more cleansing. :)
I will now add to the topic, but will have to do so on a more personal, less distant level.
All I've ever wanted to know was why I was the main focus of my mother, in a very, very violent and ...searching....as I got older....envious way.
My friends called her Mrs. Robinson, because she made a pass at my boyfriend. Oh God...remembering something...she told me and him...Oh God..to "make a baby together" because the baby would be a beautiful blue eyed blonde child.
OH GOD. I forgot about that. OH GOD. She told us to go upstairs to my room. I ran to Claudia's house.
But...If I isolate that experience alone, and take out all of the violence, or just put it aside for now, tthat one incident gives me such incite. I was 16. I don't even know what kind of incite it gives me, but it tells me:
1. my mother was a narcissist
2. I know my mother hated women and young women and still does
3. I was a young teen and preteen (12) when I first noticed the abnormal usage. Abuse.
I was a 12 year old when she first started burning my legs with cigarettes. she would put them out on my legs.
Enough. Enough. it's just enough. I didn't want to remember thhese things. I didn't even go to my volunteer work today.
enough
Yes, utilizing defense mechanism for SURVIVAL
is what generally happens. After all, if we don't
survive, we don't do ANYTHING else. Defense
strategies can keep us functioning. One of those
mechanisms is emotional numbing, becoming ---
outwardly ----- unemotional.
Most of us survive. It's the level of functioning,
that takes the brunt, with the most prominent
of these being the inability to experience satisfaction
and joy.
I'm so, SO sorry for whay you endured.
May I ask you something?
What do you know about how your mother grew up?
I suspect there's lots of information there, on understanding
her later behavior.
But please be very clear about what I just said:
Understanding the foundation from which dysfunction emerged
does NOT excuse it. You had said you wanted to understand
and examining the past can help bring us some understanding.
Understanding can help us take steps within ourselves
to get to a place of greater comfort and even, possibly,
peace.
Bridget, I hope you've had some people who've helped
support you, emotionally. They could be really loving
friends or a qualified therapist or support group. These
can help, and I hope you've had some.
"............verb (used with object), -cited, -citing.
to stir, encourage, or urge on; stimulate or prompt to action: to incite a crowd to riot........."
My mother puts on airs, but another way to look at it is she has worked hard to (I was going to say "improve") erase her family history.
You would think she was the queen of England.
This is what I know..
Her parents were from Ireland and my grandfather was a quintisential (sp) Archie Bunker type man. Her mother had undiagnosed MS for a very, very long time. As long as I knew my grandmother, who died when I was 16 or 17 My grandmother had MS. My grandfather was a taxi driver, but my mother would NEVER admit this. He was funny, I remember, and I remember that when he had lung cancer I went to visit him in the hospital and he ripped the bandage off of his throat to show me the hole in his throat.
Anyway....My mother had an older sister by 14 years, my favorite Aunt.
And then my mother was born 14 years later, they lived on Long Island, but for some reason, my mother was sent to live in a convent in her early, very early years. She left the convent when she was 4, I think, and my Aunt was able to care for her.
during the time my mother was at the convent, my Uncle Jimmy was born. He was very fun and spirited and close with my grandfather. They always went out on the boat together.
My mother started modeling in High School and became a professional model after High School, until she met and married my father.
That's it. That's all I Know. My mother didn't go to my grandmother's funeral, as it was Christmas Eve and we were in Barbados. I begged to go to the funeral, but she said she sent money instead.
Don't even ask what she was doing in Barbados in the bedroom we were sharing.
OK...I need help. I'm seeing my doctor today.
InSIGHT can inCITE
growth and healing!
My mother had an extremely mean and abusive grandmother, so I think she witnessed some terrible things; however, I so much agree with Ilene that an abuser's poor behavior might explain things, but in no way excuses it.
My psychiatrist told me that I can forgive her and understand her but that I should not visit her.
She said that IF my mother had ever tried to make amends, or change in any way, for my sake, it would be different. But she hasn't changed. she is worse.
She actually took all of my children's photos out of the frames that I bought her over the years and replaced them with my nieces and nephews photos.
My younger daughter saw this. That was the point of no return for me.
but, I'm left here now, lying in bed crying, cancelled my volunteer work, and my supervisor was so disappointed because she said she was so looking forward to laughing with me today. She has fun with me. It made me sad.
I also just cancelled my psychiatrist appointment for today.
I know these are the wrong things to do.
But talking on these forums has done this to me today, so I don't know where to draw the line, for my own sake.
I'm incapacitated, and I've hardly told you anything.
Just crying.
I did just receive an email from an old dear friend in CT., one I reconnected with on facebook, and she wants us to meet for dinner tomorrow night, Just the two of us.
I know this would be great for me, and I love her to pieces and we have so much in common plus a twenty three year history, but I'm frozen.
This is what has happened to me as a result of talking here on DS.
So, I mean, another fair question for me to ask, is, how much of this is safe to do online in a support group. I was much better before I came to this group.
Love,
Bridget
If you were much better before participating with this group,
then leave the group.
Go to your volunteer job.
Keep your doctor's appointment
Have dinner with your friend.
Self-care is the bottom line.
Don't do things that don't work for you!
Take care of yourself!!!!!
Do what works for you.
Don't do what doesn't work for you.
Take good care of yourself!!!!!!!!
I don't know how long it will take to recover from this one. But, I didn't over medicate. I did cancel all appointments, but I will try to make the dinner with my friend tomorrow. I would love to see her.
Love,
Bridget
This didn't remind me of my family....but it did remind me of my ex's. His grandfather...a serious abusive alcholic who used to beat everyone when he was in a drunken rage. His father...who used the experience to drive himself to succeed, and he did, succeed in business. But he and my mil encouraged competitiveness between two brothers, they still cannot stand each other. My fil was the first brutally emotionally abusive man I ever met. and he abused everyone when it suited him. He wasn't an alcoholic...but he was both physically and emotionally abusive to his kids. My ex's brother underwent years of therapy and chose not to have children...his sister, who was much younger and very smart....made a conscious choice to raise her kids differently, and worked hard to have a close, loving family. But my ex...was ashamed, refused to talk about it, and never faced his demons. And now...they haunt him. He is a wreck of a man.
Alcohol is a problem with him, a big one...but it became a problem because he used it to self medicate all the pain he grew up with. I know this now...but he still doesn't. And while I may forgive him, I don't forget, and know that the best thing I can do for him, for me, and for my son is keep no contact.
This post was very good...at putting things in some perspective. The abuse didn't come from one source, but from many. Thanks....