Hi All!

It has been a while since I checked in! Everything is beginning to go okay. I have my good days and bad days. I am beginning to feel more stable without having so much drama and abuse in my life.

I did go through a dark period over Christmas due to the uncertainty of my family situation.

As many of you know, my parents are going through a divorce after 42 years of marriage. My father is a diagnosed narcissist and my mother also falls somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum. In the past, my mother was also diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. In any case, there is something wrong with her... I also wonder if years and years of on-going abuse at the hands of my father, and before that her father, has something to do with the difficulty of a clear-cut diagnosis.

I originally cancelled holiday plans with my family because I had ever-increasing anxiety attacks. They became so bad in the days leading up to Christmas that I had to pull-over when driving a few times. I didn't cancel because I did not want to see my family, but because of the stress. I was also secretly hoping that by cancelling, it would act as a wake-up call for them to get their sh*t together and begin acting better towards my sister and I.


I was really hurt by the time I had made the call... I felt unwanted and unloved. My parents are rather wealthy, however my mom has been putting on this poor as a pauper act the last few months. At first I accredited this to a change in lifestyle... Easy enough to understand. Then pieces began to click together... I figured out how much money she had taken from their joint savings account, her spousal support and her salary. Right now, she has more money than I do. However, she insisted that I pay for Christmas dinner because I wouldn't steal from items from my childhood home. She said this cost her a great deal of money, and that if I wanted my sister (a weak point, as she knows) to have a great Christmas, it would be up to me.

A few weeks before Christmas, I found out she had flown up to Alaska to visit her father (who has never even acknowledged my existence... Not once... No birthday card or anything... For my entire life). She had enough money for that, but not enough money to make a nice Christmas dinner at home. This really stuck out to me... And really made me feel unloved.

So I bailed on Christmas with the hopes that my mom would apologize for her insensitivity. Of course that didn't happen...

Instead on December 23rd, I sucked it up called my parents and said I still wanted to join them individually to celebrate the holiday. My dad was nice and pleasant about it, whereas my mom told me that she no longer had 'room for me'. I hung up in tears, and cried for the next 8 hours. She eventually called me back, and told me she had changed her plans and wanted to see me... Oh, and she still wanted me to bring dinner!

I stock up on $150 worth of groceries and wine, and try to get into the spirit of things.

Christmas day comes, and my mom calls me up at 11am and demands that I go over to her condo immediately because 'she has other plans'. Since we had originally planned to meet at 2pm, I was still in my pajama's. She insisted that I come over right away and shower at her place. I was blindsided by all of this, and after attempting to set a boundary only to be ignored, hop in my car and head over.

The entire time we were there my mom ignored my sister and I, and talked only about herself. It was horrible... The worst it has ever been since I was a child... My sister and I head out, and end up spending the rest of the day crying.

I felt unloved and unwanted, as did she.


I decided not to see her until maybe March (her birthday), because I could not take any more of this pain.


She began calling me yesterday and today... She wants to talk to me and see me. I do not want to see her. I am trying to think of a way to deal with this situation that will not cause complete alienation between her and I.

I really need some help and suggestions!!


XOXO