Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello everyone!
I was active here about 4 years ago while learning about abuse and eventually divorcing out of an 18 year abusive marriage. At the end of this month I'll have been divorced for 3 years and life is GREAT!
Since then, I've had a struggle with explaining the marriage others. I eventually stopped calling it abuse because I got some really weird comments, mockery, indifference, them launching into some really long defense of her even after me only saying like 2 things. I find it so hard to explain that I've become a bit obssessive about it. Almost every single day I play conversations in my head of me explaining abuse to someone.
I'd appreciate if anyone has advice on
1. How to explain abuse
2. How to stop obsessing over trying to explain it
Thank you!
I think what it was was a need for me to be more self-sufficient, and not need so much for other people to understand in order to feel like I was on solid ground.
But in any event there's a turning point where we come to realize no one else has to accept or understand us or our situations, past and present, because it’s more important that we are able to explain ourselves “to ourselves” without reference to other people.
Of course we will always value feedback and need the emotional support and validation that comes from other people, but basically we learn to pivot on our own axis and thus gain a bit of adult autonomy.
I think our need to explain abuse comes from trying to validate why we left. It's honestly very sad that even when we say we were abused, some people have negative opinions about our decision to leave. I think deep down we just want people to understand what we went through, acknowledge that it is a serious issue, and reassure us that we made the right decision.
I'm sorry I don't have actual advice - I recently separated from my abusive husband only 3 months ago.
But I am glad to see that you are doing well!
Yes, this is definitely a search for validation. While I understand the importance of self-validation, I also have the human need to connect with others. I felt so invisible while being abused, and those feelings linger. Maybe I need to spend some time here again with people that understand so I don't feel alone when people that are close to me redefine what I am saying to them.
I appreciate your feedback and encouragement!
"Absolutely essential to your sanity 00oo to spend time in a place where you are understood" thank you, that's very validating. Dealing with abuse after-the-fact is quite different than dealing with it at the time. I think continuing to talk to people that understand is just what I need!