Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Just the facts: Married 23 years, arrested him once, left/went back 6 times, 3 children under 19. He had me right were he wanted me. Completely dependent on him, while serving him as his personal life attendant. He is the typical military general with control issues, the one you are not allowed to be upset with - absolutely no talking back. My entire marriage was a struggle to stay sane. The physical abuse was easier. I'm still living the crazy attempt to understand him. I left in June and was peaceful for the first time in years. Every other time I had left him I had doubts, but about 6 months ago I realized that He didn't Have the Ability to Change. I left in peace. Finally realizing that there wasn't any Hope of him healing, since he would Never see he had a problem - Nothing would ever help him.
That is what kept me, Hope that he'd change. I tried Everything and Anything to get his abusive behavior under control - by adjusting my actions, words, thoughts to the things that would least provoke him.
I've recently read the best book about what I had spent over 20 years living in... Of Course I've read lots of book trying to understand, but this is the only one that really showed what it was like to Live in a Verbal/Emotionally Abusive relationship. Describing the way these abusers think and even how we (victims) react to their abuse. "Why does he Do that" Lundy
Now, living in my own apartment, going through divorce processes - I'm lost and afraid. More afraid than living with him. I have lost my job. What if I can't make it on my own? How am I going to provide for my daughter?
The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a qualified trauma release therapist - one who understands the dynamics and effects of abuse. Not all therapists do. Here's a link to a thread I wrote about some questions you can ask a potential therapist. These came from my personal experience with mostly crappy therapists. Just don't give up. There are great therapists out there but chances are you'll have to 'kiss some frogs' before you find your prince/princess of a therapist. ;-)
It's also critical to practice extreme self care. Part of that is allowing and honoring and expressing your feelings. Give yourself all the time you need to heal. Healing from a divorce from an abuser takes way longer than healing from a divorce from a non-abuser.
And keep reading and posting here!!!
~healing hugs~
tried to, had I responded first.
Good for you, for
getting out.
And now there's more
work to do, but the
difference is that
the work in front
of you is YOUR LIFE,
not you struggling
to stay sane.
Look for a qualified
therapist. Practice
daily SELF-CARE.
And know that
tough days living
free are better
than the best
days under
the roof of
abuse.
Dealing with my ex is still mandatory to some degree. Since we have not gone to mediation yet, I cannot see my youngest unless I beg and plead. He is the youngest, at 15 - and has always been babied. My ex wouldn't let me parent him - always undermining what I tried to do or say. My older two have more experience with the abusive verbal effects. The verbal assaults used to stop with G would come into the room (for the most part). I left with our daughter, since she was the 2nd target in our home, and told him I was leaving and wanted a divorce. Since mid-June, my youngest hasn't answered a single text or call. I keep trying, but I'm sure he doesn't want to betray his father. Our oldest son did the same thing for the first 2 months, but came around. Now he stays with me more than his father (B is 19). I'm hoping that the talks that B is having with G may help.
Often I wonder if letting G stay was a mistake. In all honesty - I don't worry about G getting verbally abused. He is daddy's baby and 'the girls' were always the problems.