Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My ex was, and maybe still is, a gambling addict.
During counseling it was revealed to me that because I enabled her to gamble I was as bad as her because of it. So in equal part I am to blame for her being a gambler.
So by enabling her I became responsible for her actions, is it really possible to be held accountable for another adult's behavior?
And no, never at any time did I finance her addiction, before leaving me though I did pay a $17,000 credit card debt which no doubt was relative to her addiction, and is still owed to me.
During counseling it was revealed to me that because I enabled her to gamble I was as bad as her because of it. So in equal part I am to blame for her being a gambler.
So by enabling her I became responsible for her actions, is it really possible to be held accountable for another adult's behavior?
And no, never at any time did I finance her addiction, before leaving me though I did pay a $17,000 credit card debt which no doubt was relative to her addiction, and is still owed to me.
SHE was and is fully and completely responsible for all her actions.
SHE is a grown woman who makes her own choices.
NO ONE can ever be responsible for the behavior of another adult. You did not hold a gun to her head and force her to gamble. That's 100% completely on her.
So codependency is what you are talking about here, when you say 'enabling.' It's a very common relationship when one partner is addicted, and I'm willing to bet almost everyone on this forum has been codependent. When one partner has an addiction, and the other partner gets sucked into a life of rescuing and supporting the person with an addiction, the relationship is codependent and unhealthy.
Enabling can be
Rescuing an addict
Making excuses for them
Covering up their behavior
Pulling strings to save their job, friendships, keep them out of jail, etc
Giving them money, paying their debts, or buying their substances
It feels good to be needed, but when enabling behavior becomes codependent, it prevents an addict from getting the help they need. It "enables" them to stay addicted. It also can ruin the life of the codependent emotionally and financially. It seems like doing the right thing, but it ends up preventing the partner with a problem from getting help.
So, if you are codependent, does that mean you were to blame for your wife's gambling? Absolutely not. She chose to gamble at the end of the day, you didn't. You two were in a dysfunctional relationship, but her choices are her own. Taking the blame for her actions away from her and putting it on yourself could be another codependent act. She needs to be responsible for the consequences of her own actions.
Were you 'as bad as her?' I try not to think of people as good or bad (although this forum is changing my opinion.) But your actions were both dysfunctional. Her choices led to much greater damage. Period.
Have you considered a different therapist to help you work through all of this?
now she has no one to blame but herself, sadly.
It's good that you are out.
You may be out 17K, but
had you stayed, you'd be
liable for much more
money, and "out"
years of irreplacable
time.
I hope you're taking very
good care of yourself.
My nature makes me a prospective target for codependency, so I will address this fault as time progresses. Again I thank you all.